


Fractured Lives: A Place Called Tarsus IV

by Rakuyou_Tenshi (Citrus_Luver)



Series: Fractured Lives [1]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Child Abandonment, Explicit Language, F/M, Falling In Love, First Love, First Time, Genocide, Growing Up, Hermaphrodites, Hurt, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Kid Fic, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Medical Experimentation, Medical Trauma, Minor Character Death, Psychological Torture, Second Chances, Starvation, Tarsus IV, Torture, Underage Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-11
Updated: 2017-03-14
Packaged: 2018-01-18 23:11:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 21
Words: 57,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1446283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Citrus_Luver/pseuds/Rakuyou_Tenshi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Even at a young age, Jim had known he was different, but sometimes different is okay.  Sometimes different is better.  Sometimes different saves you.  </p><p>These are Jim's early years. The years Jim wishes he could forget, but can't because he lived and they didn't.  The years that lead to the best thing in his life... even if it's fleeting.</p><p>These are the before, during and after Tarsus years.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was inspired by a prompt on the Buckle-up meme on Live Journal. However since the actual fill of the prompt won't happen for a while to prevent spoilers I won't reveal what the actual prompt is until most of the prompt has been filled. 
> 
> Most likely there will be additional warning tags that appear as the fic progresses. I'm sure I'm definitely missing a few. A large fraction of this fic will be very dark.
> 
> I'm also 100% not an expert in many of the themes covered in this fic. Some of the themes I have experience with while others I do not. I sincerely hope I do not offend anyone. I will accept any advice wholeheartedly. 
> 
> There is also some hand wavy science to make the premise of this fic work. 
> 
> Please enjoy.

In the wake of World War III, the nuclear blast that had eliminated a large fraction of the world’s population had also changed the ideology behind reproduction. It seemed that the old adage that the universe strove to maintain its constant was once again proving to be true.

Gender classification became more difficult. Since the dawn of time, the popular belief was that males were classified as those with XY chromosomes which allowed for the formation of male sex organs while females were classified as those with XX chromosomes which allowed for the formation of female sex organs. Prior to the war, a few people with genetic defects possessed more Xs and Ys than was biologically suitable. However, they were mostly sterile or a select few were fertile in one direction.

With the dawn of the new era, an onslaught of children born in the wake of nuclear warfare possessed the genetic makeup of both XX and XY. They were born with both eggs and sperm, and they possessed a working uterus and testicles. Purists claimed that these children were unnatural and a byproduct of unethical eugenics experimentation. They lobbied for these children to be rounded up and purged from society.

By the 22nd century, this genetic anomaly had long been believed to be eradicated by medical advancements and gene therapy. However by the 23rd century, male pregnancy was thrown into the forefront of medical research. Male-male bonded mates longed to have biological children of their own. Most turned to surrogacy and gene splicing. However there were some that longed for that nine month bonding experience shared between a mother and her unborn child. This research became classified as Plan R.

*************

Even at a young age, Jim Kirk knew he was different. He knew his daddy died the day he was born, and it made his mommy sad. While most children received the comfort of their parents growing up, his mother couldn’t bear to even look at him. All she could see in him was his dead father.

His older brother Sammy was two and a half when their daddy died. Jim saw it in his brother’s eyes. Jim and their mommy had come home, but their daddy did not. Jim grew up knowing that his brother blamed him for their daddy’s death. That somehow it was Jim’s birth that had caused their daddy to die. There were more times than Jim could count when Sammy would start to play too rough. Jim always wondered if Sammy thought he could switch Jim for their father.

There was also Jim’s little gift. At least that’s what Granny Davis called it. She was the only one that saw it as a gift. His mommy didn’t talk about it, and Sammy was too angry and too bitter. Granddad Jim was old and a little senile. Grandma Kirk would burst into tears, for she could only see her dead little boy with so much lost potential while Grandpa Tiberius just seemed to want nothing to do with him.

Jim always thought that everyone was like him. It was only one scorching Iowan summer day when he was seven that he learned differently.   Sammy had just turned ten. Sammy had proudly proclaimed he was a big boy now not like Jimmy. He had two digits to his age.

Their mommy was home. She was always home for Sammy’s birthday. She seemed sad and aggravated every time Jim tried to get her attention. He had made her a drawing of the stars and Daddy’s starship. They were all on Daddy’s bridge: Jim, Sammy, Mommy and Daddy. They were all smiling and going to see worlds that no man had gone before.

“Take your brother with you, George,” Mommy finally said after the fourth time Jim tugged on her pant leg.

“Aww, Ma, do I have to? He’ll only get in the way.” Sam was already one foot out the door.

Jim guessed it was the look their mommy gave him, but Sammy agreed to let Jim tag along. It seemed to take less persuasion than normal. They were well past the edge of the farm and walking down the only gravel path in Riverside when Sammy stopped them. He turned around and stared at Jim.

“We’re going skinny dipping, Jimmy. Don’t do anything funny.” Sammy poked him hard in the chest.  

Jim opened his mouth to protest. Mommy had always told him to keep his clothes on, but the look in Sammy’s eyes and that Sammy hadn’t ditched him on the edge of the farm like he normally did. Sammy was letting him play… no… hang out with the big kids. Jim immediately closed his mouth. “I won’t Sammy. I promise.”

When they finally arrived at the pond, it seemed all the kids in the neighborhood that Sammy always said were cool were there. Most were already in the water. Jim’s eyes widened. He couldn’t help from staring. He had never seen so many naked bodies in one place before.   None of them were wearing any clothes. He probably should have realized then.  Sammy punched him in the side.    “Stop staring, Jimmy,” Sammy hissed into his ear.

Jared, Sammy’s best friend, was the first to notice them. “George,” he called out. Jared had a loud voice.   Everyone else called Sammy George. It was his real name. It was also their daddy’s name. Sammy pulled him along by the shirt sleeve. Jim tried to pull free, but Sammy’s grip just got tighter.

“You brought Jimmy?” Jared wrinkled his nose. Jared never liked him. Jim figured that Jared saw him only as a bratty little kid like his own little brothers and sisters. Jim didn’t like Jared or his siblings. He went to school with Jared’s little brother. He wanted to be Jim’s best friend just like Jared was Sammy’s, but Jim wasn’t interested in digging in the sand or playing with cars. Jim liked the stars, and he wanted to explore new worlds. He was going to be a Starfleet captain like his daddy, but he never said that anymore. Sammy had given him weird looks and said that his head was still stuck in the stars. His mommy had never looked sadder, not even on his birthday.

“Yeah,” Sammy shrugged his shoulder. He had a twinkle in his eyes. He always had that look in his eyes when he was going to do something bad or devious. Sammy pushed him forward. “Go on, Jimmy. Go change.” He said it a little too loudly.

Jim tugged on his shirt hem. He really didn’t want to. Jared must have noticed. He smirked. “Yeah Jimmy. I thought you wanted to hang with us. Everyone is changing behind that tree.” Jared pointed to a large willow tree. It was away from everyone else. It was also along the edge of the pond. He could easily jump right into the water.

Jim nodded. The willow was bigger than it looked as he walked closer. Once he was sure that he was away from peering eyes, he started to undo his belt buckle. He wasn’t sure how he didn’t hear, but just as he was pulling off his underwear there was a loud shriek behind him. He immediately turned around. His underwear bundled in his hands. Alison Carmichael was standing behind him. Her face was as pale as snow. “Jimmy has girl parts!” She finally managed to scream out.

All the other kids surrounded them at that point. He saw Sam chuckling in the distance. However, when they started screaming crueler things the smile on Sam’s face fell.

Jim wasn’t sure who the first person he punched was. His face was red and blotchy. His blue eyes were blazing and blaring. Salt tears and mucus from his nose had dribbled down and combined together as they trailed down his face. He felt like a feral animal. It took two pairs of arms to finally pull him off of Peter Jenkins. Jim was kicking and screaming. His only consolation was that Peter looked worse than he felt.

Old man Rockabee drove them home. He had looked murderous when he wrapped Jim in a thin woolen blanket. He had barely looked at Jim as he handed him his mud soaked clothes and pushed him into the back of his hover truck. Sam looked sullen the whole way home, and that okay for Jim. Jim refused to look at Sam and spent the whole ride looking out the window. Jim’s face was still splotchy, and his nose was starting to hurt when Rockabee pulled up in front of the Kirk farm house.

Jim pulled the blanket tightly around his body as he trudged up the stairs. The doorbell barely rang once before their mommy answered. She looked tired, and suddenly Jim felt sorry for what he had done. “James! George!” Jim saw his mommy purse her lips as she scanned them. She rarely called him James. She only did it when she particularly angry with him.  

“Found the boys by the pond. A fight broke out.” Jim wondered if his mommy’s eyes could get any wider. “They appeared to have been skinny dipping.”

She nodded. She looked at Sam. Sam kicked a rock next to his foot. “Thank you.” She managed to say. It seemed to take a lot of energy out of her.

“No problem.” Rockabee tipped his hat and left. They stood in silence as Rockabee backed his truck out of the gravel drive way and drove away.

His mommy pulled him forward at that point. She looked at him. Jim wondered if his mommy had ever looked at him for such a long time before. She finally sighed. “Go to your room, Jimmy.” His mommy whispered. She looked so sad and tired. She never disciplined him. He thought that for once she would. It seemed she never knew what to do with him. Jim nodded. He walked into the house. He heard Sam follow him. “Not you, George. We need to talk.”

Jim saw from the corner of his eyes his brother’s scowl. “Jimmy’s the one that started it,” he grumbled out.

“George.” His mother really did sound mad. Jimmy quickly scuttled up stairs.  

Jim didn’t know what Mommy said to Sam. She never disciplined in the house. She always took Sam away, deeper into the fields. When they returned, he saw that Sam was favoring his left side, and his hazel eyes were teary.

Dinner that night was quiet and somber. It was only Jim and Mommy. She placed a plate of replicated food in front of him. She never cooked anything from scratch; it was always premade food. He figured it was because she spent so much of her time in space where she only ate replicated food.  

Sam found him on the roof after dinner. It wasn’t that he was hiding.  He liked going up onto the roof. He felt it was the closest he could get to his daddy.

“Hey, Jimmy.”

“Go away.” Jim muttered.

“Jimmy.” Sam sighed.

Jim whipped around. He wasn’t stupid. He knew. He knew Sam had done it on purpose. “Go away Sam.”

“Jimmy look, I know I messed up.”

“You think.” Jim rubbed his shirt sleeve over his blazing blue eyes. He stood up. Even at seven-years-old, he was almost the same height as Sam. His brother backed up. Jim glared at him before he pushed him. He pushed Sam hard. It felt good. No wonder Sam was always coming home with letters from school that he had been caught fighting. Sam faltered and landed hard on his butt. He let out a loud howl as he jolted back up. Jim laughed.

He noticed a small scowl start to form on Sam’s face, but it quickly disappeared. “Feel better?”

“Not really, but that was pretty funny.” Jim laughed again.

Sam scratched the back of his neck. He always did that when he was nervous. “Yeah, I guess it was. Look, Jimmy.” He toed the back of his right heel. “I’ve been a jerk.” Jim crossed his arms. “For your whole life,” Sam quickly added. “You don’t deserve it. We’re brothers: the only Kirk’s left. It’s us… together… against the world Jimmy.”

“Grandpa Tiberius and Uncle James and …”

Sam slapped his forehead. “I’m trying to make a dramatic speech here, Dummy.”

“I thought you were apologizing.” Jim tried to sound mad.  

“And you’re making it really hard, Jimmy.”

Jim glared at Sam. The glare didn’t last long before they both cracked large smiles. They collapsed onto the roof. They lay there side by side. It had been a long time since Sam came out here to star gaze with him. Sam never liked the stars very much. “Together always,” Sam whispered. He curled their fingers together. Jim smiled. As they stared up into the night sky, life was suddenly looking good. It seemed even the stars were twinkling extra bright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> According to some online Star Trek encyclopedia (memory ???), it stated that Winona's maiden name was Davis. Unfortunately, I could not find any of Jim's grandmothers' first names anywhere. I will attempt to avoid needing to use them. However if it gets too strange later on, I will make some up unless it's actually stated in some novel or comic.
> 
> Also, Memory Beta stated that George Kirk Sr. actually has a brother named James. Original I know.
> 
> Thank you for reading. I will attempt a weekly update.


	2. Chapter 2

However Jim should have known. Sam was never good at keeping promises. His mother had been sad and aggravated because of Frank. They met him a week later.

Mommy made them dress in their Sunday bests. Jim thought they looked silly, but Sam just looked murderous. He kept giving their mommy the stink eye as if she had broken all the laws in the universe. Sam punched him in ribs when he asked. “You’re so stupid Jimmy.”

When Jim punched back, their mommy didn’t even notice. She was too busy looking out the window and fiddling with the flowers. She never bought flowers. They were pretty. It made their house look brighter. Jim probably should have realized then that something was wrong, but Mommy was rarely home, and their android babysitter was hardly a good example.

Frank was big and beefy. He looked like just the opposite of Daddy. Everything Daddy was; Frank was not. While Daddy had a pretty smile and blue eyes, Frank wore a constant frown and had dark grey eyes. He was a hover car mechanic from Iowa City. It was an uncomfortable afternoon. It was hot and sticky.

Frank left after dinner. They watched their mommy kiss Frank on the front porch through the windows in the living room. She didn’t even notice that they were there. Sam stomped off, but Jim was just confused. He thought his mommy loved his daddy. Wasn’t that why she was always so sad? Wasn’t that why she always spent her days in space, so she could be closer to Daddy?

The next day, Mommy sat them down in the living room: Sam and Jim on the couch and Mommy across from them. Sam folded his arms. He was not impressed. She promised them many things that day. She promised them that things would change. They could be a real family now with a mommy, a daddy, George, Jim, and more. She promised no more space missions. She was going to get a dirt side positing. Sam pursed his lips, but Jim started entertaining the thought that maybe Frank could be their new daddy. He had seen the holo videos of his daddy playing with Sam. He saw how happy Mommy had been back then. She had a pretty smile. Maybe Frank could make Mommy happy again. Maybe Frank could play with him. Maybe he could finally do those father and son activities that he saw and heard his classmates participate in. Maybe he and Frank could enter the annual father and son chariot race.

Mommy and Frank got married a month later. He heard the words shotgun wedding and convenience whispered under the breaths of the attendees. At seven, Jim didn’t even know what they had meant.

But Frank wanted his own kids. After Mommy’s second miscarriage, the words “cursed womb” traveled around Riverside. Even Jim knew that miscarriages were rare in the 23rd century. Sam tried to shield him from it, but Jim heard. He heard it all. That it was Jim’s abnormality that broke Mommy, and that was why she couldn’t have any more kids. That Jim wasn’t really his daddy’s son, and his mommy had an ‘affair’, and it was all celestial judgment.

Mommy started traveling again soon after that, and Frank became angry and abusive. Jim guessed that she gave up on having a normal family after that.

*************

He probably should have given Sam more credit. He did last five years of living with an angry Frank. Sam was fifteen when he ran away from home. It had started because of an stupid and inconsequential argument. Sam wanted to spend the night at his friend’s house. Frank forbade it because he could.

That same day Jim drove their dad’s prized Chevy convertible into the Riverside quarry. It was last thing Jim had of his dad. He never felt more alive or scare than when he was clinging to the edge of the cliff or jumping out of the speeding car before it plunged over the edge and exploded in an angry ball of fire. He thought he could make the jump. He thought he could finally leave Riverside.

Their mom came home furious and confused. “Why Jimmy? Why?”

Jim wanted to tell her about Frank. How cruel and awful he was. That Frank was abusive and angry. That he would hit them after he drank too much at the bar. That Frank had driven Sam away. That Frank wanted to sell his dad’s car and it was better lying in the bottom of the quarry than belonging to someone else.

That he was being unfaithful to her and would entertain women and men in their bed, in their living room… everywhere. Instead Jim bit his lips and refused to look her in the eyes. She eventually gave up and left. It wasn’t hard. Giving up was something she was good at.

The next day, when Jim woke up he found the space between his legs and bed sheets soaked with blood. He screamed thinking it was divine punishment. He was going to die, and his dad would finally come home.

His mom found him screaming. When she saw the blood red sheets, she closed the door and held him close. Jim wasn’t sure she had ever done that before. She told him about the people of the past. She told him that he was a special little one. After he took a warm bath, she taught him how to use a tampon and gave him a training bra.

She scheduled an appointment with a doctor in Chicago the next day. It was at a small, classified hospital. Jim wondered if his mother was ashamed of him.

They left early in the morning. They took a small dilapidated freighter out from Riverside Shipyard. It was a supply vessel. His mother sat in the front with the pilot while Jim sat in the back with the merchandise. They were old star ship parts. Jim could name them all.

The hospital was cold.  The atmosphere felt distant, menacing and scary. The waiting room was filled with old people. They were all old and wrinkly. They reminded Jim of Granddad James. Jim swung his legs back and forth as he watched his mother fill out the paperwork. 

When they finally called for him, his mother didn’t come with him. She simply pushed him forward. Before he disappeared behind the double swinging doors, he saw her pull out a cigarette. He wondered when she started smoking.

The nurse led him to a room in the back. It was a small room. There was a large bio bed in the center of the room. Jim immediately recognized it as an older model. Sam used to show him holos of bio beds. He had always been interested in medicine and science unlike Jim who liked physics and mechanical parts. There were other machines humming along the walls. A large fluorescent light bulb swung above head.

Jim gulped. His hands became sweaty. He tried to wipe them on his pant legs. The nurse handed him a gown before leaving. He found himself sitting on that bio bed in a gown that barely covered his thighs for what felt like hours. He thought he would die in that room before a large porky man entered. He introduced himself as John… just John. He listed the procedures and tests in big, sophisticated scientific terms. Jim wasn’t sure who he was trying to impress.

The tests started out simple and easy. John took his height, his weight and his blood pressure. He easily recited out the letters that were reflected on the wall in the distance. He could easily distinguish his ‘U’s from his ‘V’s and his ‘F’s from his ‘P’s. Eye tests never involved easy letters.

However everything changed when John had him lay down on the bio bed and hooked him up to all the sensors. He maneuvered his legs into a pair of birthing stirrups that are attached to the side of the bed. He wondered how he hadn’t noticed them earlier. He started at his chest and worked his way down. He pressed and probed with his hands and with a tricorder. Jim had always thought medical tricorders allowed for a more hands off approach.

Jim could state the exact moment where everything became less friendly. He could see the glimmer and excitement that suddenly appeared in John’s eyes. John had worked his way to his lower regions. He was sitting on a stool. His forehead was barely visible from behind his gown. He could feel John fingers sliding around his private parts. They were cold and hard. He squirmed. It earned him a hard slap on his legs. John tightened the straps on the stirrups.

Jim watched as John bolt upwards minutes later. He watched him hastily removing his gloves and throwing them into the waste bin before reaching for the door knob. John disappeared through the door. The door closed with a loud bang. Jim cringed. Not long afterwards, John led in a team of doctors in white lab coats. They were all holding PADDs.

They didn’t even bother to introduce themselves. Jim wondered if they even realized he was a human being. Their eyes were all so cold and daunting. They reminded him so much of Frank. One by one they sat down in the seat John had vacated. He felt each and every one of them touch him. It was cold and impersonal: plastic on skin.

He looked away after the third one. His glaze flickered between the posters of dental hygiene, the digestive track, and eyeballs. His face burned red. He thought doctors were supposed to be friendly and kind. He was blushing ten shades of red by the sixth.

His palms got sweaty. The straps tied around his legs felt tighter and tighter as if they were digging into his skin. He felt sick. He wanted to scream, to hit something, anything. He wanted to run away. The wall seemed to physically close in on him. He felt violated. He felt like a circus animal on display.

It was humiliating. It was invasive. He was going to puke. He choked back a loud sob when the last doctor finally left the chair, and John loosened the straps. He guessed they were doctors. However, the way they talked in hushed voices about how rare he was as if he wasn’t even in the room, he wasn’t so sure. He recognized the looks in their eyes. It was the same look he saw in Sam’s eyes when he became excited about one of his plant specimens.

They left soon after that. It was just him and John again. He hated John. John had called in the doctors. He tried to pull away when John grabbed his arm. John must have noticed and retaliated when he proceeded to tighten his grip even more and then stabbed him hard with the needle. He watched as his blood flowed through the clear tube and into one of the machines along the walls.

He wondered if he gone through every type of medical tests in the books by the time John finally handed him his clothes and gruffly told him to go to consultation room ten after he was done changing.

He was never going to set foot in a hospital ever again.

He found his mother there. John and one of the doctors that had ‘examined’ him were also there. It was one of the older men. His hair line was already receding. He was now wearing glasses which confused Jim. Nobody wore glasses anymore. He sat down in the only empty chair left. It was between the doctor and his mother.

The doctor handed his mother a PADD. “Your son is a medical phenomenon. His existence could change science, mankind, and reproduction as we know it,” the doctor gushed out.

His mother frowned. She set down the PADD. She glared back at the doctor. At that moment, Jim saw an inkling of the commanding officer in his mother. “My son is not a test specimen.” Jim had never heard his mother so angry before. She was usually just tired and sad. “We’re here to make sure he’s healthy.”

The doctor seemed startled. He quickly recovered. “Of course,” he coughed. “That’s not why we’re here. Human experimentation has long ended.” The doctor picked up the PADD. He swiped the screen as he talked. “Your son is perfectly healthy in all the ways. In fact…” the doctor smiled and rotated the PADD screen. “He’s 100% fertile as a male and a female.” The doctor pointed at his screen. “As you can see, James here has a perfectly well formed uterus, fallopian tubes and a birth canal.”

Jim looked at the small pear shape organ that the doctor was pointing at. He knew enough biology from school that boys did not have that. The doctor swiped again, and another image appeared. These were of parts Jim knew he was supposed to have. “His testicles have fully dropped and are producing viable sperm.”

John coughed.

“I’m not a medical doctor, Doctor…”

“Williams,” the old man flinched. “Of course.” He swiped his PADD again. It was a merged imaged of the two previous images into one. “James here seems to be operating as a male and female hybrid. The human body is truly remarkable. His biometrics shows that he’s developing into both a young man and a young woman. His body seems to have categorized and separated the production of differing hormones much like in slugs or earthworms.”

“My son is not a slug or a earthworm.” His mother did not sound pleased. He saw the heavy frown lines forming on her forehead.

Williams coughed again.  Jim wondered if he just did that on purpose or if there was actually something wrong with him.  “Of course not, do you have any questions before I bring in Dr. Hansen?”

Jim squirmed. There was one question. It wasn’t even a serious question. He knew enough biology. “Does that mean I can clone myself?” Jim blurted out.

Williams turned to look at him. He wondered if that was the first time he even noticed him. Williams immediately coughed and shook his head. “No, you possess natural barriers to prevent that.”

“Damn.” He wasn’t that sorry. He didn’t want kids. It was official. He was too abnormal and too different to possibly even consider passing his genes down to anyone.

“James, watch your language.” His mother hissed.

They bought in Dr. Hansen afterwards. It turned out Dr. Hansen was a child psychologist specializing in gender. She was a little old lady with deep brown eyes. She was kinder than Williams had ever been. That was the first time any one discussed gender and the possibility of hormone therapy when he was older with him.

“You’re a hermaphrodite, James.” That was the first time he heard the ‘h’ word that would define his life. At 12, it meant nothing to him. “You don’t have to be a boy, James,” she said kindly.

Jim just blinked back. He was a boy. That was the only thing that his dad knew about him. The only thing his dad knew was that he had another son. His dad didn’t even get to see him before he died. He had just heard his cries and his mother describing him as beautiful and perfect. Jim always scoffed at that.

They had named him James Tiberius Kirk over a comm link. Jim shook his head. He had no gender crisis. He was just a boy who would develop breasts and get a period every month. Somehow that was okay.  He guessed because that was life, and life was unbelievably shitty.

“You don’t have to decide now. There is also surgery or other methods of concealment that could hide some of the… excess parts.” She reached down for the bag that she had brought with her.

His mother immediately coughed. “That won’t be necessary. Jim isn’t ashamed of his body. He’s healthy and a gift.” The words were harsh and forced. Jim wondered who she was trying to convince, and if she even believed anything she just said. “Thank you for your time. We’ll be leaving now.” She grabbed his arm. Jim blinked before bolting upwards.

However he soon found out just what it meant to go through two types of opposing puberty. Maybe he should have listened or even considered the alternatives that Dr. Hansen could have recommended, but he wasn’t anxious to go back there.

His shoulders broadened. A noticeable Adam’s apple started to form on his neck. He started growing whiskers and pubic hair. At the same time, his hips started to widen, and he started developing breasts. At 12, they were still tiny buds that were barely noticeable. Worst of all, every month he bled from an orifice that he wasn’t supposed to have and a place he wasn’t supposed to bleed from.

It made him flighty and vindictive. His mother went back to space. Sam didn’t come home from Grandpa Tiberius’. It was just Jim and Frank. After the Chevy convertible incident, Frank no longer demanded much of Jim. Jim wondered if Frank even noticed he was still around sometimes. He saw the way Frank now looked at him. It was same way most people in Riverside looked at him… a little freak with too many body parts. Frank had never truly known until that day. He wondered if Frank would have married his mother had he known.

As a result Jim spent most of his days away from the farm house. By the end of the summer, Jim found himself associating with the rougher crowd in Riverside. They were the only ones that didn’t care. They found it useful.

On his 13th birthday, he was arrested for the first time for vandalism and drug dealing. He had been earning black market credit chips by trafficking drugs and Romulan ale through Riverside Shipyard.

He knew Frank wouldn’t bail him out when they told him the sum of the bail bond. Frank had always said that Jim wasn’t worth the air he breathed or the credits Jim cost him. He spent three months in the juvenile penitentiary. Big Joe, a big beefy teenage, found him amusing and took him under.

“I see myself in you, Kid.” Big Joe had said the first day Jim showed up. Jim saw the muscles and the tattoos he was sporting. Jim wanted to laugh.

He taught Jim how to pick locks. He taught him how to hide contraband from the guards and use body language to him advantage. Jim was a natural. As a result, Jim smoked and drank his way through an assortment of alien drugs and moonshine. Big Joe laughed and called him his ‘little protégée’.

Big Joe also taught him sexual skills involving his tongue and fingers. “It’s all in the flick, Jimmy,” Big Joe said through a mouthful of cock. That was the night Jim found Big Joe sucking off a guard in a dark hallway.

He would have stayed longer if his mother hadn’t returned home for shore leave. That night he heard the screams and the angry voices echo throughout the farm house.

“He’s uncontrollable.”

“You left him in jail.”

“That boy needs to learn his dues.”

“He could have been assaulted.”

“He was trafficking drugs.”

It ended with his mother in tears and Frank storming out in rage. He thought that was the end of Frank. His brother could come home now, and his mother would stay dirt side. The next morning, he found his mother and Frank sitting at the kitchen table. They both had pursed lips. There was a pamphlet in front of them. Most importantly their fingers were interlocked. At that moment, all the hope drained from Jim’s eyes.

“Tarsus IV.” His mother pushed the pamphlet towards him.

The words were alien to him. “It’s a colonization attempt by the Federation, Jimmy.” His mother sounded so tired. The logistics were easy. He was going to stay with a foster family. They were scientists sent by Starfleet. They had a son a few years younger than him. “It would be an adventure,” she said. “Hadn’t he always wanted to see new worlds?”

For Jim, he saw it as a way to get away from Frank. It would be away from the hellhole that was Riverside. He thought everything would be better on Tarsus, Tarsus where nobody knew about his genetic abnormality.

He thought Tarsus would be a fucking second chance.


	3. Chapter 3

Jim was given a week to pack his belongings. It took him barely an hour. He never believed in keeping personal mementos, and there sure as hell wasn’t anything of sentimental value for him in fucking Riverside.

Shipping out of Riverside also meant he didn’t have to go back to school, and that was okay for Jim. He had been out of school for so long that he would probably have to repeat the year anyways. School had stopped meaning anything after Sam ran away, and he crashed his dad’s Chevy convertible. School had always bored him. The classes involved counting livestock and plotting lunar planting cycles. He wasn’t going to be a farmer or a rancher like most people in his class were going to be.

He spent his days in his room surfing on his PADD and reading old 16th century plays. He knew he was probably the only thirteen-year-old who read William Shakespeare in this era. The man’s words seemed to transcend time. Some of the plays like Hamlet and A Midsummer Night’s Dream he had read numerous times.

His holographic star ships twirled in the air above his head. He had all the latest models. They were holographic models of star ships that Starfleet sent him every year on his birthday. It was one of the many forms of retribution from Starfleet.

He only left his rooms for meals. His mother insisted that they all sit at the dining room table together as a family. He wasn’t sure why his mother was even trying anymore. His mother and Frank sat on one side of the table, and Jim sat on the other side. Sam’s seat was empty. Nobody mentioned Sam anymore. He wondered if his mother even cared.

“Jim, eat your greens,” she pushed a plate of overcooked, boiled replicated broccoli and cabbage in front of him.

Jim blinked.

“Eat your greens, Jim,” she said again.

Any other time, Jim would have argued or remarked about why she even cared. However, this time it wasn’t worth it. He was going to leave soon. He stabbed his fork into the overcooked vegetables. He over dramatized taking a large bite. When he was sure his mother was satisfied and turned her attention back to her own dinner, Jim slid the rest of the vegetables under a slice of bread. He was decidedly not going to eat the vegetables.

When the week ended, Jim was almost reluctant to leave. He had forgotten how different Frank could be when his mother was around. Frank was actually normal and fuck… friendly. He hadn’t gone to the bar and gotten himself wasted. Fuck, Frank even offered to take him out for ice cream one night after dinner. He decidedly said ‘no’. He wasn’t sure who was more relieved: him or Frank.

However the morning of his departure, he woke up and found his mother in her Starfleet uniform and her bags by the door. He knew then. Nothing would change. She couldn’t even fucking stay long enough to see him be shipped off.

“Sorry, Jimmy. Starfleet won’t let me take anymore shore leave.” She pulled him into a feeble hug that was awkward for them both. She ruffled his blond bangs. “You be good on Tarsus, Jimmy.”

Jim nodded. It wasn’t a promise or anything.  It wasn't like she kept any of hers.

She left quickly after that, and Frank’s happy mask immediately disappeared. Jim quickly locked himself in his room.

Jim sat on his bed. He looked around the empty room. The same room he had lived in for over thirteen years. It looked so unlived in. He had managed to fit his entire life into two duffel bags. The only things left were his bed, this desk and his chair.

There wasn’t much nostalgia left for him. It had long disappeared when Sam ran away, and his mother left them with Frank.

When his PADD flashed 1600, Jim picked up his two bags from the floor. He sighed. He had to go find Frank and convince him to take him to the shipyard. When he wandered into the living room, he almost laughed. His mother hadn’t even been gone for six hours, and Frank was already ‘entertaining’. Jim had always been curious where Frank found them.

He was currently being sandwiched between two Andorians. An Andorian male was currently mounting him from behind. An Andorian female was currently sucking him off from the front. Frank had buried his face into her blue skin. A second Andorian female was sprawled out on his mother's upholstered couch. She was naked and blue. She was plucking purple grapes off its vines. They were contained in one of his mother’s crystalline bowls.

Any other day, he would have walked over and pulled the bowl away. He hated it when any of Frank’s ‘guests’ touched any of his mother’s possessions. They were dirty. It was dirty. He recognized it immediately as one of his parents’ wedding presents from a distant great-aunt that he had never met. There were many relatives he had never met. Sam had always said their father’s death had broken their family.

It was the one on the couch who noticed him first. She winked at him. He wanted to puke. She draped one arm over the arm rest and threw her head back. Her blue antennas twitched excitedly. She brushed back her silver bangs from her eyes. “Frankie, there is a boy watching us,” she said lazily. She popped another grape into her large sultry lips. She licked her fingers.

Frank looked up startled, his mouth in mid moan. He immediately closed it when he noticed Jim. He saw Frank flash his grey eyes at him. He pushed the female and male Andorians back a little, so they could turn and stare at him. “That’s just Jimmy. He’s a she-man. Jimmy, show them.” Frank barked out one of his crueler laughs.

“Exciting,” the Andorian female who had been giving Frank the blow job exclaimed. She licked her lips. Jim could see Frank’s cum leaking from her lips and between the large gaps in her teeth.

“Fuck off, Frank.” Jim hissed. He was finally going to get as far away as possible from Frank. He regretted all those years of never telling his mother about Frank’s unfaithfulness.

“He’s fierce, Frankie. Why haven’t you introduced us sooner?” The Andorian on the couch asked. She popped another grape into her mouth. “And pretty… especially the eyes. They are so blue.”

“He’s just a little freak.” Frank laughed. “Git!” He picked up a beer bottle from the table. He threw it at him. Jim had learned long ago to not flinch. Frank had never been able to hit him when he was like this. Like always, the bottle bounced off the wall. It left a dark stain on the wall. He hoped his mother would come home and see it. Frank used to make him clean the beer stains off the walls after his escapades. He doubted Frank would bother to do it now. He was too lazy and disgusting.

Frank wasn’t worth it. He had never been worth it. Jim tightened hold on his duffel bags and swung them over his shoulders. Frank was disgusting. He had always been disgusting. Jim turned on his heels and slammed the front door hard. He heard Frank scream ‘freak’ at him one last time.

He hadn’t realized he had been holding his breath until the warm blast of late Iowan spring heat hit him squarely in his face. Standing there alone on the front porch of the farmhouse, Jim realized he didn’t have to go to Tarsus. He was free. He was free from his mother. He was free from Frank. He could already hear Frank and the Andorians’ moans echoing throughout the farm house.

His mother would soon be outside of subspace frequency range. Frank would never come looking for him. Sam had run away to his grandparents’ farm, and his mother never brought him back. However he wasn’t Sam, and most importantly he would still be in fucking Riverside. Jim repositioned his bags. He glanced back one more time at the farm house. There was nothing here for him. “Anywhere is better than fucking Riverside.” Jim muttered. He clenched his duffel bags tighter.

It was a long walk to Riverside Shipyards. Even in the late afternoon, it was still bustling with workers. It had been a long time since Starfleet commissioned a large star ship. It was no secret that since the Kelvin incident, Starfleet had become more hesitant in launching new star ships. However, there was still work in the form of small scale ships and shuttles.

It wasn’t hard to find his shuttle. The outbound shuttles were all located in one section of the shipyard. There was only one shuttle going to Jupiter Station. He barely made it. He was the last one to board. They didn’t even ask for his tickets or his paper work. It was probably better that way since his mother never gave them to him, and Frank had probably lost them or had used them as toilet paper.

He took a window seat in the back of the shuttle. He stuffed his bags under his seat. He barely had time to pull his harness over his shoulder blades before the shuttle took off. He probably should have been more excited as the shuttle reached its cruising attitude. He had never traveled far enough during any of his previous shuttle rides to break through the atmosphere.

However as they neared Jupiter Station, Jim did press his face against the glass panel. Jupiter Station was one of the Sol System’s main outbound hubs. The other was San Francisco Fleet Yard that orbited Earth. However, San Francisco Yards also doubled as a star ship construction station. Once all the outer hull pieces were assembled together at Riverside Shipyard, they were then individually transported to San Francisco Fleet Yard and then bolted together. It created twice as many jobs.

Jupiter Station was larger and shinier. He had only seen pictures of it on his PADD and in holovids at school. The little shuttle looked so small and inconsequential among the long rows of Starfleet star ships that were lined up in one section of the space station. They were all glorious silver ladies. He wondered if his dad’s star ship had been just as sparkly, or if the one that was taking his mother further and further away from him was just as jaw dropping. He loved their crisp, clean designs. He could admire them for hours.

He was the last to leave the shuttle. He shuffled out and stepped into the large station. Jupiter station was the galactic transportation hub between the Sol system and the rest of the universe. Its lower levels were off limits to civilians and served as a research and military base.

He whistled when he directed his gaze upwards. They had never mentioned in any of the books just how tall the ceilings were. There were portions of the ceiling that were transparent. He could even see the stars and asteroid belt in the far distance.

There was a wide variety of humans and aliens from all over the galaxy here. He could easily recognize the Andorians, Vulcans and Tellarities. Jim knew his Federation history. He could easily distinguish the founding members of the United Federation of Planets despite Riverside Iowa being one of Earth’s more homogenous towns. Jim was used to a sea of white with a few foreigners who lived around Riverside shipyard. They rarely ventured out to the rest of the town and always seemed to be a different band of people. They were mysterious and interesting not liked the natives. Jim always figured if it were not for the shipyard; Riverside could still be lost in the 20th century.

His shuttle out to the Tarsus system wasn’t until late, or was it early in the day? He figured he shouldn’t be measuring dates or times by the Earth’s relation to the sun anymore. Soon, he would be far away from this solar system, and Tarsus would be orbiting a different sun or was it suns? It wasn’t nostalgia. He had never been partial to this sun.

It seemed like everyone else had a place to go and things to see. Riverside had always been slow, slower than Jim would have liked. Jim had always been a boy of action. He didn’t like lazy Sundays. Jim remembered when Granny Davis said, “Jimmy, you’re definitely a Kirk. You’ve always been in a rush since the day you were born.” She only said that once. They all knew the implications of that statement. Jim had been born almost four months early. Had he not been, his dad would have never even heard his first cries. Jim wondered if his mother would have named him Tiberius after all.

A knobby finger tugged at his shirt sleeve. Jim whipped around. It belonged to a short alien. He looked more like a toad than a humanoid. There was a horrible, swampy stench surrounding him.

“Are you lost, little one?” The alien asked. He grinned at him. “Would you like a… guide?” He licked his lips. Jim pulled free from the alien. He shook his head.

“You’re a pretty little…” The alien sniffed him. “Girl. Accidents could happen.”

“I ain’t a girl.”

“I’m never wrong, little girl.”

Jim rolled his eyes. “Well, you are now.”

The alien sniffed him again. He smiled revealing a row of golden yellow teeth. “Peculiar, very peculiar.”

“So, I’ve heard.” Jim muttered and turned away. He heard the alien laugh at him as he walked away. _Fucking weird._

He eventually found himself in a shopping strip. His stomach grumbled as he wandered through the rows of Deltan jewelry. His mother’s wedding ring had been of Deltan make. He had seen it once a long time ago before Frank, before he grew up and realized his mere presence caused her pain. It was simple and elegant unlike the gaudy ring Frank had given her. That had been the one and only gift Frank had ever given his mother.

He stayed until the store owner started giving him uneasy looks. Jim didn’t blame him. He didn’t know Jim had enough credits under his name to buy out the entire store. One of the perks of being the son of a decreased Starfleet officer was the annual credits Starfleet deposited under his name as reparation. Jim and any future children he would have would receive these payments for life. It was Starfleet’s belief that a death in the family would impact at least two generations. Jim always suspected Frank never knew that Jim had access to the credits. They weren’t ‘moveable’ funds until his eighteen’s birthday, but Jim wasn’t a genius for nothing.

He ate dinner at a small oriental noodle booth. A green alien with horns served him. He had never seen this type of alien before. The noodles were cool and sweet. They tasted different from anything he had ever eaten before. He tried paying in Federation credits. The alien just laughed. “Keep your credits, Kid. Starfleet doesn’t use money.”

Jim blinked. He had heard rumors that Starfleet was like a community of its own. Starfleet officers and personnel believed that work was solely for personal growth, and that was enough of compensation. The day anyone enlisted in Starfleet; Starfleet in turn would take care of that enlisted crew member. Everything a member of Starfleet ‘owned’ was Starfleet issued.

He left the booth quickly after that and found a seat near a vacuum proof window. The glow illuminated from the star ships on the other side of the window felt warm and tender. For a while he observed the civilians and officers that passed by. He tried guessing from their appearance and state of mind where they were going and where they came from. There was no way he could confirm any of his guesses, but it was still fun. When he got tired, he pulled out his PADD and started reading the tales of Horatio Hornblower. He loved the old naval stories of Horatio and his crew.

The ship out to Tarsus ended up being delayed. Jim was yawning and could barely keep his eyes open when he finally boarded the USS Republic. It was long past midnight in Iowa. He could barely remember being welcomed by the captain. He just remembered the captain had a large smile and a pair of twinkling chocolate brown eyes. The USS Republic was a smaller ship with only a crew of three hundred. It was an older design left over from the early days before the foundation of the United Federation of Planets.

He was given quarters in one of the lower decks of the ship. There were already three other people fast asleep in the room. He remembered the lieutenant that showed him the room saying that they were engineering ensigns. She was apologetic about it. Normally civilians received their own rooms, but they hadn’t expected so many late arrivals to Tarsus. As she left, she mentioned that she hoped the low hum from the ship’s warp core wouldn’t keep him awake. It usually took a long time to get used to. She laughed that she wasn’t sure she was used to it even now, and she had been serving for almost five years.

He set his bags down near his bed and pulled off his sneakers. He stayed awake long enough to see the ship disengage from the station and jump to warp speed. He fell asleep to the lull of the ship’s warp core. He never felt more alive, nor had he ever slept so well before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From my limited knowledge of Star Trek, I'm pretty sure star ships aren't supposed to be built in Earth despite what the 2009 movie showed. I'm just going to pretend that in the end the Enterprise was actually built in space, and what Jim saw was just the outer hull or something not actually assembled.
> 
> I haven't seen every episode of Star Trek ever made so my familiarity with alien races is still very limited. Please pardon the nondescript and not canon alien races.


	4. Chapter 4

Jim found the time he spent on the USS Republic to be fleeting. He enjoyed every minute of it despite being unable to see most of the ship. Most of the decks required some level of security clearance which he didn’t have. It also didn’t help that he stood out very blatantly among the sea of Starfleet issued uniforms that the crew members wore, so he couldn’t exactly sneak into one of more highly secured areas of the ship. He was particularly annoyed that he couldn’t go onto the bridge though.

The first morning on board the ship, he had been planning on sleeping in late. Frank never let him. Frank used to barrage into his room with a breath laced with ethanol and nicotine and a body which reeked of sex at the crack of dawn to force him and Sam to do their chores before school started. He had tried once to lock his bedroom door, but Frank had torn the door off the hinge and done almost equal damage to his arms before Sam managed to pull Frank off of him.

It was a long time later before Frank let him fix the door. It was mostly because his mother was returning home.

Sam had called him a dummy and refused to talk to him for a week afterwards. Jim used to wonder if Sam thought that was the best punishment… silence. Jim wasn’t stupid. He never made the same mistake twice.

Jim and Sam practically ran the Kirk farm before Sam ran away, and he crashed his dad’s car. He hadn’t even bothered to take one last look at the farm before he left. He wondered if Frank would run it to the ground now. Frank wasn’t a farmer. That was obvious after the first harvest season. Jim sometimes wondered how Frank and his mother happened. They were like two different people as dissimilar as night and day.

However, at 0600 the ensigns whose room he was sharing noisily woke up. They were all loud and rowdy. They were bragging to each other about who had the most important assignment for the day. It was obvious from their conversations that this was their first tour, and they were all fresh out of the academy.

They didn’t even seem particularly apologetic when they realized they had awakened him. He watched them bustle around the room throwing their sleeping garments on the floor before replacing them with their uniforms.

He had waited until they all left the room before getting out bed. The sonic showers were strange and different. They lacked the smoothing feel of water. He had always been used to taking a shower which consisted of water. Riverside had never been low on water. It was one of the rainier parts of Earth however he knew enough to know that water on a star ship was rare.

It had taken him awhile to find the mess hall. He vaguely remembered the lieutenant mentioning which deck it was on when they were on the turbo lift the night before.

By the time he found the mess hall; it was mostly empty. There were only a few crew members huddled in the corner drinking what he surmised was coffee or hot tea. Most were reading their PADDs.

He was surprised that the mess hall contained not only food synthesizers which were lined up along the wall space but also an honest to goodness cook who made certain dishes to order. There was a large interactive board with the menu that flashed above the cooking station. There was a wide array of breakfast dishes. There were simple dishes like cereal and toast all the way to the more complicated dishes like omelets and breakfast burritos.

He had eaten his share of synthesized meals in Iowa. Frank and his mother never cooked. The choice was simple. He stepped forward. The cook, he was a jolly elder man. Jim could see streaks of white already appearing around his side burns. He had the bushiest eye brows that Jim had ever seen. The cook’s eyes widened when he saw him. “What can Chef Roberto make for you, Child?” The man boomed out.

“Just cereal and bacon,” Jim replied.

Chef Roberto shook his head sadly. He pulled out a pack of bacon from his ice cabinet. Each stripe looked so tender and red. “You haven’t lived until you tried my scones or omelets. There are crew members on this ship who keep signing on for more trips just to taste my cooking, Child.”

Jim laughed and agreed. “Okay.”

It turned out Cook Roberto wasn’t bragging. When Roberto handed him his tray of food, it really did look delicious. It tasted even better. He had never tasted such light fluffy scones or deliciously rich omelets before. Roberto had come over before he finished eating. He pulled out the chair across from him. He was grinning from ear to ear.

“How was it?” He asked with a twinkle in his eyes.

Jim gave the man a large thumbs up. “It was really good,” Jim gushed out.

Roberto laughed and patted him hard on the shoulder. His hand was warm and nearly twice the size of his shoulder. Roberto frowned.

“You’re just skin and bones, Child. Where are your parents? I’m going to give them a piece of my mind.” Roberto chided. “You’re too skinny, Child. A growing child needs some extra fat. It gives them a healthier tone.” Roberto laughed and patted his own belly. He really did remind Jim of Santa Claus.

Jim’s face reddened. In Riverside, everyone knew, and never asked. His mother had shielded him from the media when the paparazzi had first shown up on the farm to do their annual interviews on the Kelvin. However, a constantly depressed Federation hero’s widow didn’t make for a good story. They eventually stopped trying and just started to make up their own stories to over glorify his father’s legacy. He remembered being particularly upset by an article about some woman who was bragging about raising ‘George Kirk’s love child’. Sam had called him a dummy when Jim showed it to him.

“They aren’t here,” he muttered under his breath.

He saw Roberto’s face turn almost scandalous at his reply. He didn’t make any further remarks about it though. Instead Roberto told Jim some stories about the funniest moments involving life aboard a star ship. He had a long luxurious career as a cook, but he couldn’t see himself retiring anytime soon. It wasn’t until later that Jim noticed that his portions were larger than most of the crew members.

Besides listening to Roberto’s stories, he always came over to talk when he wasn’t busy making food, Jim spent the remaining time either in the front observation room reading one of his PADDs or exercising in the recreation halls. There was a large assortment of equipment from many different species. Jim only recognized the human and Vulcan gear.

However every time he was reading; a plate of treats courtesy of Chef Roberto would mysteriously appear at some point while he was engrossed in his book. There were simpler desserts like cookies to more intricate desserts like cakes or parfait.

It caused off-duty officers to constantly wander by. He would always offer them some of his treats. Sometimes they accepted and would sit down on the couch across from him. They would ask if he was a passenger in route to Tarsus, and he would nod. Sometimes that was all they would say and then leave soon afterwards. Other times they would tell him about their job on the Republic. He met doctors, engineers, yeomen, security officers, weapon’s control operators, science officers and linguistics. The linguistics loved to talk, and some even offered to teach him some rudimentary Vulcan.

If they stayed long enough, they would notice the PADD in his hands and would ask what he was reading. He watched their eyes widen when he told them it was Moby Dick. This was the third time he was reading the timeless novel. He noticed that most of the crew members shared that same reaction when he told them.

One lieutenant had laughed when he told him. “The old language is way over my head. I can understand engineering manuals but give me old school literature, and it’s as foreign to me as Klingon is.”

“It’s poetic.” He tried to explain the captain’s obsession with finding the whale. Jim loved reading about whales. They were always described as being majestic beings of the sea. It was a shame they had become extinct a long time ago.

The lieutenant laughed and patted his knee. They shared a glass of Viridian apple juice before he left for duty.

It was late in the afternoon when the USS Republic finally entered Tarsus’ orbit. Jim was alone on the forward observation deck when Tarsus came into view. He was curled up in one of couches reading a novel from his PADD. He had a nice, large assortment of pastries and juices spread out on the table before him.

The captain made a ship wide announcement that they had entered orbit. Jim pressed his face against the transparent aluminum window. He was not impressed by what greeted him. Tarsus was a yellow planet. It seemed to not even be a quarter of the size of Earth. The USS Republic seemed to tower over it.

He didn’t realize just how yellow Tarsus was until the shuttle touched down on the ground. They didn’t allow the civilians to use the transporters. Jim guessed it was because they didn’t want to store their imprints into the computer systems.

Tarsus was land of endless sand and nothingness. He should have known considering the universe seemed to love shitting on him. He wondered if it was Frank who had shown his mother the pamphlet.

_Fuck._

Frank was probably laughing now about sending Jim to a fucking desert wasteland. There was sand in every direction. Jim couldn’t see anything but a sea of yellow. It wasn’t that he was expecting rolling, green fields and blue oceans. It was just that he wasn’t used to an endless expanse of sand.

There were tiny adobe huts in the distance. He guessed that was what he was going to be living in. An official ushered him into a makeshift tent. There was already a long and what appeared to be a never ending line of colonists inside. Most looked hot and equally miserable. The air was stuffy inside the tent. It felt like recycled air. There was barely a breeze. He wondered if they knew what they had agreed to. He wondered if any of them had been sent here by a mother who was just too sad or too tired to deal with her child’s problems.

Most of the colonists were composed of family units. There were mothers, fathers, children, aunts, uncles and grandparents. It was everything he didn’t have. Some of the little children noticed him. He watched as they pulled at their parents’ pants legs. He watched their doting parents bend down. He watched their eyes travel towards him. He shifted his bags and looked away. He tried to blend in with the family in front of him.

He shifted on the balls of his heels. The little boy in front of him looked back at him. He looked to be six-years-old. He remembered being six. Life was simpler back then. The little boy waved at him. “Hi.” The boy smiled.

Jim waved back. There was no point in making enemies already. He would probably make many soon anyways. He was good at attracting enemies. “Hi.”

Before either one could say anything else, the boy’s mother tugged on the boy’s arm. She was pretty and young. He remembered when his own mother had looked so young. She had aged fast. The boy tried to pull away but to no avail. The family disappeared into the sea of other families. Jim wondered if he would ever see him again. He moved to a small corner of the tent. There were less people there.

He set his bags down on the ground before sitting down in the sand. It was something he was going to have to get used to, coarse sand. It seemed some things were always constants.  He pulled out a PADD to pass the time.

As the hours past, old, decrepit robots rolled past. Most were carrying trays containing finger foods and biodegradable cups containing water. They looked to be the hundred-year-old models like most things here. It matched everything else. Tarsus IV was a fucking hell hole. Jim was amazed that Starfleet had even managed to collect eight thousands colonists to leave wherever the fuck they had come from to settle here. Jim couldn’t manage the amount of credit chips that must have been exchanged. Why would anyone bother settling in such a backwater colony? Most importantly how much had Frank made in sending him here?

It was almost night fall when he was finally processed. The personnel at the table looked bored and tired. There was one of those decrepit robots next to him. Its whole ‘body’ section appeared to be a computer console. Jim had heard about these types of models before. They had been popular in the distant past when humans wanted their computers with them at all times and before the advancements of PADDs that made everything compact and powerful: instant computing at one’s finger tips.

The official grabbed his arm a little too roughly. The employee was stabbing him in the arm with a syringe to extract a blood sample before he could even protest. “Fuck,” he hissed as he pulled his arm back. “Can’t you warn a person?”

_Hell, was it even normal to take blood samples of colonists?_

The officer decidedly did not answer. He instead placed the vial in a small machine that was on the table. The machine beeped. The officer blinked at whatever he saw appear on the screen.

 _Fuck.  They didn’t fucking just run his genetic code did they?_  

His genes were fucking hybrid of male and female genes.

Just as Jim was about to comment, the officer slid a PADD thru the machine. It must have downloaded the information into the PADD, which he then handed to him.

Before Jim could even look at it, he was already being waved through. As he was leaving, he saw the officer write something on his PADD. They didn’t even bother to ask for his name. He left through the back of the tent. The tent was almost empty by then.

He sat down on a makeshift pile of logs. The first entry in his PADD detailed his living arrangements. He let out a loud whistle. His mother hadn’t been joking when she told him that he would be staying with Starfleet officers. One was a botanist, and the other was a social scientist.

There was a map with the location of his foster family’s assigned house.

Jim sighed. He threw his bags over his shoulders and made the long walk down the rows of near identical adobe houses. On closer inspection, he noticed that many of the houses had small pots of flowers and bushes on the window ledges and along the pathways to the front door. It seemed to be the only source of color in this endlessly yellow land.

The adobe house, which was assigned to his foster family, was located at the intersection of many dirt pavements. The roads all traveled far into the distance. Jim wondered where they all went. He sighed before knocking.

He heard footsteps coming from inside. The door opened revealing a young, brunette woman. She was dressed in a light spring dress with an apron tied around her waist. There was flour stains on it. She seemed to have been baking.

“You must be the child assigned to us.” Jim saw the confusion in her eyes. He obviously wasn’t what she had been expecting. He wondered what his mother had said when she ‘volunteered’ him for Tarsus.

Jim nodded. He handed her the PADD. She looked at it. The frown lines above her eyes became thicker. “Thomas,” she shouted.

He heard a large curse followed by something shattering. It sounded heavy. They both cringed. Moment later a young man appeared.

The couple seemed to be roughly the same age. She handed him the PADD. “We were expecting a boy,” he stated simply before thrusting the PADD back into Jim’s hands.

Jim blinked and looked down.

There was a fuzzy picture of an infant on the PADD. He was almost positive it wasn’t even him. Besides that, the information was mostly empty minus his hair color, eye color and gender. The word ‘female’ was circled for gender.

_Fucking hell!_

It reeked of Frank’s doing. Frank probably had been planning on sending him away for a long time. He should have questioned how everything had come together so easily. He wondered if Sam would have come with him had he not run away. Frank probably would have come up with a way to send them both here even if he hadn’t crashed the car and gotten arrested. He just never saw Frank as a hacker. He didn’t seem bright enough. He probably paid someone to do it for him.

He knew he should march back to the processing center and get it corrected. However, gender in this era was just a word more than anything else. There were many different alien species that didn’t fit into the human gender differentiation.

Frank was probably laughing now. Maybe he could just fucking choke to death.

However Jim had always been resourceful, Tarsus was a new beginning. Thanks to fucking Frank, nobody here knew anything about him. Hell, his fucking file was blank. Thanks to his mother, the media never knew what he even looked like.

He could start new here, and it wasn’t like he was planning on staying long. Tarsus was starting to feel more and more like Riverside.

_Fuck it!_

Tarsus was a hellhole. There was no way he was going to stay here. He was definitely going to hitch a ride on any cruiser that past by in the future. Besides, this would save him from having to explain why he was bleeding from places he shouldn’t be.

“Sorry.” The woman said. She glared at her husband before turning around and smiling at him. “What’s your name child?” She asked kindly.

“Jane…” The name slipped from his lips. He had seen it tattooed on Big Joe’s arm back at the penitentiary. “Jane Davis.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, for the delayed post. I'll hopefully get another chapter out before the end of the week.

“I’m Joan Riley, and this is my husband Thomas.” She introduced them both before pulling him inside. Thomas took his bags. He shuffled in behind them. He found their home… charming and lived in unlike his own. He knew they hadn’t lived here for long. Tarsus IV was a new settlement. They couldn’t have arrived more than a week or two before him. However their home felt more lived in, more loved than his mother or Frank had ever made the Kirk farm in Riverside.

It soon became fairly obvious why Thomas reacted the way he did concerning his stated gender. Joan, not Mrs. Riley, she didn’t want to be called Mrs. Riley, laughed and said it made her feel old before leading him into the kitchen. She poured him a tall glass of home squeezed lemonade. “It’s not really like the lemonade from Earth. It’s actually genetically different. It’s closer to an orange than a lemon,” she rambled excitedly as handed him the glass.  Jim guessed she was the botanist. 

Jim took it willingly. He hadn’t realized just how thirsty he was until that moment. It was sweeter and tangier than the lemonade he was used to.

She sat down across from him. She smiled warmly at him while resting a hand under her chin. “Tom, didn’t mean it.” Like Joan, Tom didn’t want to be called Mr. Riley or Thomas. Jim guessed it was so everything would be less formal. They were… fuck… they were his care takers now.

His mother had literally given him up.  Even without considering whatever the fuck Frank had told her to convince her to send him here, which probably didn’t take much convincing anyways, she never did raise him to begin with. 

She also never even mentioned how long he was even supposed to stay on Tarsus. Was he supposed to stay here until he was eighteen and was legally an adult and could make his own choices? Was she going to come get him someday? Fuck was she even going to come see him during her next shore leave?

“It’s just…”

There was a squawk behind him. Jim turned around. Tom was leading a little boy towards them. He saw Joan smile and hold her arms out. It was something he had seen parents at the park in Riverside do. His mother had never done that before. She never gave hugs willing. The little boy ran over to her. She smiled and pulled him into her lap. She placed her chin into his lush, brown hair.

The little boy turned towards him. He had the deepest shade of chocolate brown eyes that Jim had ever seen. “Hi,” the boy said shyly. He pushed himself closer into his mother’s bosom. “I’m Kevin.”

“Hi,” Jim flashed Kevin one of his brighter, more genuine smiles. I’m Ji…Jane,” he quickly corrected.  He mentally cursed himself for almost giving away his fake identity. He suddenly wondered if he should have lied about his name or why he didn’t correct Frank’s horrible ‘joke’. It seemed none of the Riley’s noticed.

“I’m six-years-old,” Kevin parroted out.

Jim smiled. He remembered being six. Life was much simpler back then. Before Frank, before everything else which made him jaded and realize the harsh realities of life.

“Do you want to play a game?”

“Kevin,” Joan smoothed out his hair. “It’s bed time.”

“Aww,” Kevin whined.

“Kevin,” she said again.

“Alright,” Kevin sighed before slipping off of Joan’s lap. Joan smiled and gently kissed his cheek. Tom ruffled his hair before he scampered off. Just before he left the room, he turned around and waved to Jim. “We play tomorrow?”

Jim smiled and nodded.

“Yay! ‘Night.” He disappeared around the corner after that.

Tom had poured his own glass of lemonade by then and taken a seat next to Joan. “You were supposed to share a room with Kevin.”        

Jim blinked. In that moment he realized. His ‘gender’ had inconvenienced them.   They had been planning on him and Kevin sharing a room. It made sense. As he looked around the tiny eating area, Jim realized just how small the adobe house really was. It was probably just a two bedroom hut. He wondered why they had agreed to take him in to begin with. “It’s okay. We can still share.”

“That…” Joan started.

Jim waved his hand. “It’s okay. Really,” Jim smiled and as he rolled his fingers over the glass. Tiny beads of liquid had begun to form over the glass. It was ‘sweating’ as Sam used to say.

“We did bring that partition from Earth.” Tom started.

“My Vulcan painting?” Joan asked. Her eyes widened.

“Is that what it is?” Tom teased.

Joking… they were joking. Jim had never heard grownups jest before. His mother was never happy or around enough. Frank was well… Frank. Joan pushed Tom away as he leaned over to kiss her cheek. Jim looked down. He rolled the glass between his palms. It was awkward. It was strange.  

_Was this what a family was supposed to be like?_

Tom patted his hand at that moment. Jim looked up.

“Come on. I put your things in the study for now. We can set up the partition tomorrow.” Tom stated. Jim nodded. He set the glass down and nodded at Joan.

She smiled and waved at him.

It was a small room. There was a small console in the corner of the room. It was sitting on a rickety wooden table. There was a stack of PADDs next to it. In the opposite corner, there was a small pull out couch that doubled currently as a cot. Tom had already placed his possessions next to it. The cot was covered with a floral bed sheet. There was single pillow that looked hard and a thin blanket.  

“There’s only one bathroom. We eat breakfast at 0600.” Tom stated. He seemed uneasy. Jim wondered if he was used to females beside his wife.  

 _Fuck_.

He wasn’t even a girl.

Jim nodded. Tom soon disappeared. He waited a while before reaching for his duffel bags. He pulled out his PADD. He always read before bed. He felt that if he filled his brain with stories about faraway places and other people’s lives, his dreams would be happy. It was a way to trick his brain from giving him nightmares. He had been using the trick for years ever since he read about how dreams and the brain worked. He wondered if that was why parents read to their children before bed time.

He was so deeply engrossed in his PADD that he didn’t hear the door open. He looked up startled when he felt a hand on his arm. He found Kevin’s chocolate brown eyes staring up at him. “Mama, told me to tell you the bathroom is free now,” Kevin stated. Jim detected a slight lisp in the boy’s words. Kevin would probably grow out of it.  

“Thanks.” He said nervously. He wasn’t used to talking to other boys who didn’t want to either beat him up or use him in some way. Sam and Big Joe had been the exceptions. He still didn’t understand Big Joe while Sam was his brother.

“Whatcha reading?”

“Treasure Planet.” Jim stated.

“Is it for school?”

Jim laughed. “No, it’s for fun.”

“Fun? Reading isn’t fun.” Kevin stuck out his tongue.

“’Course it is.”

Kevin crossed his arms. “Prove it.”

Jim laughed. That wouldn’t be difficult. He could already come up with a long list of stories that could easily prove his point. However before he could answer, Joan walked in. She seemed displeased.

“Kevin, it’s bed time,” she stated. Her voice was firm but lacked the menace that was always in Frank’s voice or the lethargic tone of voice from his mother.

Kevin looked up at her. “Aww, but Jane was going to tell me a story.”

“Tomorrow Kevin,” she drew him close to her bosom.

Kevin pouted but agreed. Joan lightly squeezed his shoulder and whispered a ‘good night’ to him. He nodded. It was confusing how many times the Riley’s said good night to him. The most he got growing up was from Sam who used to punch him in the arm and sarcastically telling him ‘good night dummy’.

*************

Breakfast the next morning was simple. It consisted of eggs from the communal chickens, milk from the communal cows and toast from the communal bakery. Jim could see the pattern. Everything on Tarsus was communal.

“It’s a new colonization. Tarsus could become the framework for the future of the Federation. Every family is assigned a certain task, and all the goods are stored in a common location,” Joan explained to him at breakfast. Kevin just nodded along as if he knew what his mother was talking about.

“Joan’s a botanist, so we’re part of the farming group,” Tom added.

“I’m going to grow the biggest pumpkin,” Kevin added. Joan smiled and gently ruffled Kevin’s brown bangs. “I’m going to win the pumpkin contest at the fall fair.”

Tom laughed.

“I’m going to be a botanist when I grow up like Mama.”

“Okay Kevin, it’s time for school,” Joan chuckled.  Jim saw the twinkle in her eyes.

“Aww,” Kevin whined. He slipped from his chair. He picked up his empty plate and placed it into the kitchen sink.

“Take Jane with you.” Tom called. Jim looked up. He hadn’t been in school for so long. Not since before Sam ran away, and he crashed his dad’s car. He almost opened his mouth to protest. However when Joan smiled at him, he nodded.

After he placed his own plate in the sink, he found Kevin at the door lacing up his shoelaces. When he saw Jim, he smiled. He stuck out his hand. Jim guessed Kevin wanted him to take it. Jim toed on his own shoes before taking it. Kevin shouted a ‘good-bye’ before pulling open the door. They were both greeted with a blast of warm air. It wasn’t even summer yet, and it was already hot. Jim wondered just how unbearably hot the summer would be. The Tarsus sun was a great ball of fire in the sky.

“School’s on the other side of the settlement,” Kevin explained.

He skipped along beside Jim. However since Jim didn’t know where he was going, he was forced to slow down to let Kevin catch up.

Now that it was brighter, Jim confirmed that he wasn't wrong the night before.  All of the adobe houses were basically identical. There were only small, subtle differences to all the houses. Simple things like window placement and extra rooms.

The school house turned out to be a small one story building next to what he guessed was the government building. He only knew since the building was reminiscent of the old Roman buildings. It was a common theme on Earth. There was a large school bell at top. He wondered if it really rang or if it was simply for aesthetics. He guessed there weren’t many children on Tarsus. It made sense. He couldn’t guess how many parents could possibly agree to up root their family for a place like Tarsus.  

Kevin tugged on his arm. “Come on, I’ll introduce to our teacher. She’s really nice.”

The teacher ended up being an old greying woman. She was of Asian descent. Even at the distance, Jim could tell she was once a woman of great importance. She seemed like the type of person who had lived a life of excitement before finally settling down to a quiet life. Jim wondered why she had agreed to teach children.

“Mrs. Kimura,” Kevin bolted forward.

“Hello, Kevin,” she smiled. Jim recognized the smile immediately. Teachers always smiled to their students like that.

“This is Jane,” Kevin quipped. He seemed proud of himself.

Mrs. Kimura looked at him. She bit her lip as if confused before extending her hand.

“Hello, Jane.”

Jim took her hand. He was surprised how strong her grip was.

It turned out Mrs. Kimura taught all the students on Tarsus. The inside of the school was just as archaic as the outside. It seemed like it was replicated out from a 19th century history book's depiction of a school house. The only difference was that instead of a blackboard in the center of the room there was large outdated holo screen.

The students were all seated by age groups. The youngest children sat in the front while the older children sat in the back. Kevin sat almost in the front row. He was one of the youngest. There were only a handful of students younger than or just as old as he was. Jim sat closer to the back. It seemed like he was one of the oldest.

He sat next to a boy who introduced himself as Thomas Leighton **.** He seemed nervous. Jim watched how he would worry his lip as he took notes in his PADD and would constantly tap his right foot. Jim was tempted to reach over and make him stop. However, he didn’t only because it kept him awake.

The lectures were long and boring. He forgot just how boring school was. By the second hour, he had opened up a book on his PADD. He wasn’t paying attention when his name was called. He only realized because Thomas had kicked his chair.

“Jane,” he hissed.

Jim bolted upwards. Maybe Thomas wasn’t that bad.

He wasn’t used to the name Jane, or he would have realized he had been called. He heard a soft chuckle transcend the room. “Please answer the question Jane,” Mrs. Kimura sighed. It seemed like she had been trying to get his attention for a while.  

Jim looked at the holo screen. It was an easy math question. He had always been good at math. He answered quickly. She smiled and nodded. He wondered if she thought he actually was paying attention.

However there was one lecture that did catch his attention… xenolinguistics. Riverside education was never strong in xenolinguistics. The most he had learned was rudimentary Vulcan. After ten minutes, Jim could tell just how much Mrs. Kimura loved xenolinguistics. Unlike when she was lecturing on math or physics where she talked in a dull, luring monotone voice, there was inflection and excitement as she explained just how important xenolinguistics was. It became fairly obvious that most of the students in the room also had very little exposure to xenolinguistics. By the end of the lecture, he knew more Vulcan than he had in all preceding years of his education.

Lunch was eaten outside in the sand. They were all issued brown biodegradable lunch bags with near identical portions of food. Jim guessed this was part of the communal lifestyle. Thomas invited him to eat lunch with him. He wondered if he should be eating with Kevin, but it seemed Kevin had his own friends. He agreed. They sat with two other boys and two girls of similar age. “We older kids should stick together,” Thomas explained.

Jim nodded. The others smiled at him. The girls seemed happy. “It’s good to have another girl in our group.” She introduced herself as Jennifer Tompkins. She was a pretty black girl with long tresses that cascaded down the side of her face. She nudged the girl next to her. She was an Asian girl with large brown eyes.

“Aiko Kimura,” she said. Jim blinked. She laughed. “Yeah, Mrs. Kimura is my great grandmother.”

The two boys gave their names next: Eli Molson and Jack… Just Jack. Jennifer and Aiko both groaned. “What, it’s not short for Jackson.” Jack grumbled.

And that was that. Somehow this became Jim’s life. Every day he went to school with Kevin. Every day he ate lunch with Thomas, Jennifer, Aiko, Eli and Jack, and every day after school he worked in the fields with the Riley’s. Kevin eventually showed him his prized pumpkin. Jim wondered how Kevin wouldn’t win the pumpkin contest. He had never seen a pumpkin that large before.

************ 

He had been on Tarsus for nearly a month with Mrs. Kimura asked him to stay after school. Kevin waved at him from the door way before scampering off. They always walked to the fields together. Jim wondered if she was going to reprimand him for his lack of attention during all of his classes minus xenolinguistics. He wondered why it had taken her that long.

She led him to the back room. He had always assumed it was a broom closet. It turned out to be an ordinary sized office. He noticed there was a PADD on her desk with pictures that changed.

She told him to take a seat across from the desk. She sat on the other side. He wondered if this is what a teacher/student conference from the past felt like. “I know my classes aren’t the most interesting,” she started.

Jim grimaced.

“You’re obviously very bright,” she continued. “One of the brightest students I have ever had.”

Jim blinked. He hadn’t expected such high praise from anyone. His past teachers had just let him be. He had always scored well on all his tests. Most of the time, he scored the highest in his class.   It wasn’t difficult. It kept them content. They never wanted to make trouble, not for the dead hero of the Federation. Here on Tarsus, finally he wasn’t the son of a dead hero who he had never met.

“You’re so much like some of the people I served with in my youth.” Mrs. Kimura continued.

Jim blinked. She picked up her PADD. When she turned the PADD around, Jim’s eyes widened. Everyone knew about Jonathan Archer’s legendary mission aboard the NX-01 Enterprise. In the picture was a picture of the Archer and his bridge crew in front of his ship. It seemed to be a publicity picture taken a few days before their maiden voyage. They all looked stiff, which contradicted most of the later pictures when they had become more at ease with one another. He recognized the Vulcan first officer, T’Pol among the group.  She had been the first Vulcan to serve aboard a human vessel. 

“You’re Hoshi Sato. You helped invent the modern universal translator.”

She smiled. “Ah yes, the glory days of my youth, yes I am… I was. Now I’m just a lowly school teacher on Tarsus IV with a student who is clearly bored of my teachings.”

 _Well fuck_.

She laughed. It was startling to watch her laugh now. Jim wasn’t sure how he hadn’t recognized her. The more he looked at the picture of young Hoshi Sato and the woman she had become; he could clearly see that feisty woman from her youth. She really was the woman who had helped Jonathan Archer during his legendary mission.

“I can see greatness in you, Jane. I’ve worked with some of the brightest in the galaxy. My little school house just isn’t enough for you. You need challenge. Our governor… Kodos… he’s a generous man. He’s all for helping children grow. He came to me asking for an aide. He wants to groom a child to take over running our colony someday.”

Jim blinked.

“I see greatness in you. More greatness than Archer… and well… his history speaks for itself.” She laughed. “I want to recommend you for this post.”

“I…”

“There is very little I can teach you besides xenolinguistics. It’s my only lecture you pay attention too.” She tapped her bony fingers on her desk. “What do you say? Governor Kodos could teach you many things. You obviously know your math, science, literature and history.”

Jim rubbed his hand over the back of his neck. It did sound more interesting than sitting in class. However… there were his … fuck… his friends. If he agreed, would he see them again? She seemed to notice his hesitation.

“It will initially only be for a few hours every week until you are older and if you really want to pursue this path.”

“Okay.” Jim nodded.  

_Why not?_

It wasn’t like he was signing his life away.

Only as he leaving the school house, did he stop and wonder. When did he stop wanting to leave Tarsus? When did Tarsus start feeling like… home?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess this is the calm before the storm chapter. I really do feel bad for what happens to most of these characters...
> 
> I'm also not sure if Kevin Riley's parents were part of Starfleet, or what they did. Canon seemed to imply Jim and Kevin knew each other on Tarsus. 
> 
> Various Star Trek Encyclopedia sites claimed that Hoshi Sato was on Tarsus IV with her family, so I decided why not let her and Jim meet. Jim clearly knows something about xenolinguistics when he first meets Uhura in the bar. Who could be a better teacher right? It also claims that Sato married later in life. 
> 
> However since I haven't watched very much of Enterprise, and by not much I mean 2 normal episodes and the mirror universe episodes, I don't know much about Hoshi Sato's characterization. I plan on watching more Enterprise before Archer shows up though.
> 
> As for Jim's apprenticeship with Kodos... well... we'll see where that goes.


	6. Chapter 6

Jim would never forget the first time he met Governor Kodos. There were some things in life that just leaves a deep impression, and this was one of them even discounting the things to come. Things at that point in time, nobody could have imagined.

Kodos accepted Mrs. Kimura’s recommendation. She asked him to stay after class a week later. She handed him a PADD with a generic congratulatory letter followed by a statement that he would be contacted soon, which ended up being a whole month later.

Naturally, his friends found out about it. News traveled fast in a small town. However, Jim didn’t doubt that Mrs. Kimura hadn't mentioned it at home, and Aiko just overheard. They teased him relentlessly at first.

“You better not forget about us Jane.” Thomas had said.

“I heard they get better food,” Jack added. Jack wasn’t a fan of communal food. “It’s like a cafeteria without choices.” Everyone ate the same food every day, and there was only so many ways to cook potatoes or broccoli.

Eli punched Jack in the arm. “That’s stupid.” Eli’s mother worked in the government building. She was a receptionist. Eli was infatuated by politics and its intricacies. Jim could tell that Eli was still annoyed that Mrs. Kimura hadn’t chosen him for the apprenticeship.

Jennifer, always the diplomatic, simply stated “Mrs. Kimura didn’t even choose Aiko. It’s not like Jane actively lobbied, and you can’t deny she isn’t smart.”

“Seriously, she never pays attention in class and always gets the best scores,” Thomas added. They still sat next to each other in class. Thomas would always kick Jim’s chair if Mrs. Kimura called on him, which had gotten rarer and rarer over time. Jim always knew the answers despite never paying attention. He only paid attention during xenolinguisitics, and even in that subject he was better than anyone else in the class.

That stopped Eli from grumbling further. He couldn’t deny that Jim wasn’t brilliant and didn’t deserve it.

The invitation was sent through the PADD that contained the initial introduction and congratulatory letters. It came in the morning as he was getting ready for school. By then he had been sharing a room with Kevin for nearly two months. He hadn’t realized just how much of a hindrance sharing a room was. The partition helped; however, Kevin had the uncanny ability to suddenly appear on his side of the partition. To prevent awkward questions, he started sleeping with his clothes on and changing in the bathroom.

He had forgotten about that PADD by then. He only glanced at it that morning since he was running late and had accidentally knocked over his stack of PADDs as he was grabbing the ones for class.

He blinked at the words that appeared on the screen: ‘new message’. It was first time the PADD had received anything. He read the message quickly. It was a simple, short message requesting his presence at a gala function in celebration of a successful planting and settlement season. He was even scheduled for an appointment with the settlement’s tailor.

“Fuck me,” Jim muttered tossing the PADD back on the desk.

When he appeared for breakfast, it seemed both Joan and Tom had already been notified. They weren’t political people. They were simple Starfleet officers. Jim had realized within the first week. They weren’t like his mother who had climbed high in the ranks of Starfleet, or his father who was one of the youngest first officers and acting captains before his untimely death. It seemed not everyone in Starfleet was ambitious.

They told him to have fun and don’t feel intimidated.

“Don’t forget to still be a kid,” Joan said as she passed him his cereal.

“Nobody is forcing you to grow up,” Thomas added. His initial trepidation had long evaporated.

************

When he arrived at the tailor after school, he had come up with a thousand different excuses for not wearing a dress. He was not going to wear one of those frilly dresses with lace and trimmings that his cousins and aunts wore. Even his mother wore one long ago. He had seen his parents’ wedding picture.

He was greeted by an aging old lady. She was wearing a pair of large specs. It surprised Jim. Nobody wore glasses anymore. She clicked her teeth together at the sight of him.

“Jane Davis?” she asked. She seemed annoyed as if he was taking up her time.

Jim nodded.

“You’re late. I don’t like my clients to be late.”

He glanced at the clock. He was barely a minute late. He almost opened his mouth to protest but decided against it. He was in her territory now. She studied him for a long period of time. She circled him as if he was an animal or a car for purchase, or maybe more appropriately a piece of artwork to be admired and critique. She clicked her teeth together again.

“A little scrawny.” She tapped his shoulder blades.

He let out a startled cry when she unrolled a measuring tape around his chest. She seemed most displeased when she read the numbers.

“They always give me the hardest cases.” She sighed before rolling the tape measure back up. “A diamond in the rough, they don’t call me a visionary for nothing.” She stepped in front of him. She placed her hand under his chin and tilted his head back. She rotated his head back and forth. He wondered what she was looking for. “It’s okay sweetheart. Mademoiselle Turner will make you into a princess.” She smiled, revealing a set of perfectly straight pearl white teeth.

He most decidedly was not going to be a princess.

She pulled back.

“You have stunning blue eyes. I think a blue dress.” She twirled around on the balls of her high heels. She looked like a woman on a mission or even a lion about to pounce on its prey.

It would be the train wreck of all train wrecks. “I would rather wear slacks.” Jim countered.

She pivoted back around. She narrowed her eyes. “That’s highly… inappropriate for such an occasion.” She looked physically wounded. “I make the best dresses. Everyone in the Federation wants my dresses.”

Jim was tempted to ask how she ended up on Tarsus IV then of all places. Tarsus was definitely not a place for a tailor. Tarsus was hot, dusty, and everything inevitably became covered in sand. Everyone wore thin layers of clothes that could be washed and dried easily in the baking hot sun.

He instead countered with a more diplomatic approach. “Even in Starfleet, men have the option of wearing dresses for their uniforms. Why can’t I have the same option?”

The tailor blinked at him before laughing. “Clever child, I can see why they want you. Alright, a nice blue tie and a black, striped suit, the nice traditional choice, it seems to suit you.”

She drew him to an off shoot changing room. There were mirrors on three of the four walls. His blazing blue eyes, dirty blond hair, and lanky body were projected on all three mirrors. He had been avoiding looking at himself in the mirror for almost his entire life.

Now, standing in that room as the tailor wandered off to find a suit for him he became aware of all of his imperfections. He tugged at the collar of his t-shirt. The scars that extended throughout his back peeped out. They were the scars that he had received from Frank before he started fighting back.

She returned moments later, carrying a large stack of clothes. “Put these on,” she said simply. She hung the clothes on the clips that extended along the one wall without a mirror before leaving. Jim ran his fingers through the clothes. They were better than any clothes he had ever owned before. They were better than even the clothes that his mother used to dress him in on Sundays and for special occasions. There were blue sequins embedded into the cuff links of the suit. There was an intricate design embroidered into the blue tie.

The pants and undershirt fit almost perfectly. The jacket was near perfect. He did struggle with the tie. It seemed by then Mademoiselle Turner must have grown impatient for she burst into the room. She seemed to flash ten shades of happiness when she saw him. She clapped her hands delightfully. “Yes, yes… almost perfect.”

He wasn’t sure how she measured perfection. He ended up staying at the tailor shop for hours. Fuck, by the time she was finally satisfied, the suit that he ended up with was almost nothing like the one he had initially tried on. The only thing that stayed constant was the color of the suit and the tie.

It was nightfall when she finally let him leave his shop. “You’ll be the star of the party, child,” she said proudly. He didn’t want to star in any party. In fact, he didn’t even want to go anymore. He was tried from standing. He just wanted to go to sleep.

When he finally reached Kodos’ residence, he was surprised how large and different it was from the other residences on Tarsus. Instead of all the other houses that were made from a mixture of clay and sand, this house seemed to be made from brick and steel. It looked like it had been transported straight from Earth. The closer he got the clearer the differences became. Fuck… there was even a swimming pool in the backyard. It was a fucking ‘pool party’.

Before he could even knock on the door, it opened for him. There was a man at the door. He seemed displeased. He was holding a PADD. He looked at Jim with his beady, black eyes. “Jane?” He stated more than ask.

“Yes?”

“You’re late.”

“Sorry?”

“Governor Kodos does not like tardiness.” He stated. “Come.”

Jim nodded.

“I am Taylor Smith, our gracious governor’s first aide.”

Jim was tempted to ask if Kodos had more aides.

He was lead through the house. It was actually more of a mansion. It reminded him of the old houses from the 18th century plays that he read. There was even replicated vintage furniture in almost every room. He could identify the stark similarities to the Shakespearean plays that he had read. He wondered if Kodos was a fan of Shakespeare. Hell, there was even a drawing room with a grand piano in the center.

He was lead thru the back door and into the outdoors patio where the swimming pool was. There were lanterns hanging on all the arches. There was a large grill in the center where stacks of steaks, pork, chicken, fish and a wide assortment of vegetables were currently cooking.

He wondered where this food came from. It is vastly different from the daily communal rations that all the families were assigned every day. It looked so delicious and juicy though. He wasn’t sure when the last time he had steak was. There were small groups of people standing and talking together in the backyard. They all looked like important people. He never felt more out of place.

“Come. Governor Kodos particularly wants to meet you.” The aide set his hand on Jim’s shoulder and directed him to the back of the garden.

Unlike all the other faceless people, as they approached the main table, Jim could immediately pick out who was Kodos without being introduced. Kodos was a man of presence. He was one of those men who filled whatever room he was in. He was wearing a deep blood red suit that clashed dramatically with his receding red hair. His red mustache curled into two sharp red tips. He was currently engaged in an animated conversation with a dainty woman in a pale purple strapless dress.

The aide pulled him to a halt before they reached the table. He cleared his throat. Kodos looked up. He looked annoyed.

“Governor,” he stated.

Kodos blinked. “Yes…” He waved his hand.

“I brought your newest protégé…”

Kodos looked at him. He looked at him with his dark brown eyes. They seemed to be peering deep into his soul. They reminded him so much of Frank in so many ways that he wanted to step back, say he changed his mind, and run away. Kodos smiled at him, or what Jim guessed could pass as a smile.

“Jane,” Kodos said enthusiastically. He pushed the woman who he was talking to away before standing up. “Of course.” His smile widened. “Come, sit, dine with me.” He placed his hand on the chair that his female companion had vacated. He patted the cushion. The aide pushed him forward.

“Don’t keep the governor waiting,” he hissed.

Jim stumbled in his dress shoes at the force. However he managed to catch himself. It seemed nobody noticed. He slipped into the chair. Kodos smiled. “Would you like something to drink?”

“Err…”

“Fetch us two wines.” He snapped his fingers. Jim wondered how any of the waiters could possibly hear. It seemed the aide wondered the same thing. So when Kodos’ eyes narrowed and snapped his finger again before speaking, this time his voice was less pleasant. “Well, wine.”

The aide nodded. His face turned a bright, tomato shade of red. The aide must have suddenly realized that Kodos was addressing him. Jim watched him disappear into the crowd. Jim felt Kodos place his hand on his shoulder. Even through the many layers of cloth Kodos’ hand felt cold. He looked up at Kodos. Kodos smiled down at him. “How are you enjoying the party?”

“It’s … pleasant, especially the food.”

Kodos laughed. “Yes, the food is grand.”

“Not at all like the communal food,” Jim added.

“No, of course not, I had it shipped from Earth.” Kodos smiled. It didn’t reach his eyes though. “And my house?”

“It’s very large.”

“You’re not very direct.”

“I...”

Kodos smiled, revealing a set of pearly white teeth. They were so sharp like crocodile teeth. Kodos set his hand on Jim’s arm. It was so large and massive over Jim’s own thin, scrawny arm. Despite the padding in his suit, he still felt small and insignificant. “I like that.” He patted his arm again. “I’ve been assured by many people here that you are the smartest child here. That you will make a fine replacement when I’m too old to lead our colony.”

Jim wasn’t sure how to respond. He had never been praised so highly.

“My house… it’s inspired by an old Shakespearean play…”

“Macbeth.” The word slipped from Jim’s lips before he could stop it.

He saw Kodos’ eyes widened. “My, my… I have never met a child or even many adults in this day and age who still knows the classics. Have you read many? I have a whole library of books. Come,” Kodos grabbed Jim’s arm and literally pulled him up. It seemed only then that Kodos noticed what he was wearing. “How ever did you manage to convince our divine tailor to let you come in a suit? She loves her dresses.”

Jim shrugged. “It wasn’t hard.”

“You are a smart child.” At that moment, the aide returned bearing two large wine glasses. Kodos plucked them from the aide’s hands and waved him away lazily. Jim watched him march away. He saw the lingering hatred in his eyes that was directed at him. He guessed he had just made his first enemy here. He had lasted longer than ever before.

Kodos maneuvered him along. He was a graceful man. Jim could easily see how he had risen to his current position. He was young and ambitious. Kodos led him back into his house. They stopped in the drawing room where the grand piano was. “My mother used to play when I was a child. Do you play?”

Jim shook his head. His grandmother used to play. She tried teaching him when he was little. He was too impatient to sit on the bench for long, so she gave up. Sam, Sam who was always more patient than he was, learned to play beautifully, but that was before Frank. Before Sam started lashing out at the world, before he ran away from home.

“That’s too bad.” Kodos grip tightened. “Maybe, we could find someone to teach you. ”A successful ruler needs to be well versed.” Later, Jim would wonder why at that moment when Kodos said ‘ruler’, it didn’t cause warning lights to flash through his head. Maybe it was the wine he was sipping. It was making his head dizzy, or maybe it was the lights. They were so hot and stifling.

Kodos glided him along. They stopped in front of a set of double oak doors. Kodos seemed to positively radiate with excitement. “This is my favorite room in the house. I hope someday you will also grow to love it too.” He pressed his hand against the sensor. Jim watched as it lit up. It was almost as if it was the ancient meeting the present. The sensor lit up. The doors swung open.

Jim let out a large gasp. Within the room were rows and rows of books… real books. Jim had never seen a real book before. Everything he had read he had downloaded onto his PADD. Kodos set his hand on Jim’s shoulder. “This is my collection. It holds the wonders and secrets of the past.”

Jim couldn’t think of a response.

Kodos led him inside. It seemed Kodos had a purpose. They walked through many aisles before stopping at a bookshelf crammed full of large tombs. Kodos reached for a book. It was large and thick. There was a picture of a man during one of the darker days of Earth’s history. “Adolf Hitler, he’s a great and powerful man.”

Great was not the word Jim would use to describe Hitler. History described Hitler as anything but great.

“He was a visionary. He believed in the creation of a superior race. What do you think about a world where only the best, the strongest, and the brightest live?” Kodos asked. He seemed to be positively fondling the book. “Don’t you grow tired of talking to the average person? They don’t understand us. They only pull us back, prevent us from reaching our fullest potential.”

Kodos seemed to be positively glimmering with excitement as if he had met a kindred spirit. At that moment, Jim should have grown concerned, but the wine was so strong, and Kodos’ voice was smoothing as he started reading passages of Hitler’s words.

************

By the end of summer, Jim found himself spending more and more time in Kodos’ library of ancient treasures. There were many days when he wouldn’t return to the Riley’s house. One of Kodos’ servants would set a plate of food outside the library for him. He ate lavishly. It seemed Kodos wasn’t subjugated to the same communal food supply as everyone else in the colony.

So, when he finally did wander into the Riley’s house and found Kevin crying, he really had no idea. The little boy was all alone. He wondered where his parents had gotten to. They rarely left him alone.

Jim sat down beside the boy. “Kevin, what’s wrong?” He really wondered if Kevin would tell him. He had been spending so much time at Kodos’ mansion that they seemed to have grown apart. However Kevin still asked him to read him bedtime stories the nights that he did come back though. Kevin had long conceded the point that books weren’t boring.

Kevin let out a sob before looking up at Jim. “My pumpkin,” he muttered.

Jim blinked, confused. “What happened to your pumpkin?”

“It’s sick,” Kevin let out a larger sob. “Mama says we have to cut it off. It’s dying.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter wasn't supposed to have taken so long to write. Unfortunately, real life has been extremely busy.

And that was the start of the beginning of the end.

Kevin’s pumpkin was just the beginning.

Jim wrapped his arms around the little boy. He gave him a tissue to blow his nose with. Kevin’s eyes were still red. There were still long trails of tears that ran down the side of his face.

“Can I see?” Jim asked.

Kevin nodded his head miserably. For once, Kevin wasn’t bouncing along as they made the long trek to the fields outside the settlement. Kevin dragged his feet along. He kicked up a storm of dust in his wake.

The sight of the fields surprised Jim. Since his apprenticeship with Kodos, he hadn’t been working in the fields. What had once been a field of green, strong plants was now a sea of yellow and brown with sparse traces of green. Everything looked to be in varying degrees of wilting or dying, and Jim was positive it wasn’t due to a lack of rain.

He remembered that one year, years ago when a plague hit the farms in Iowa. His mother was off world then. It was just him and Sam. Everyone thought they would lose the whole harvest that year. It had taken a miracle concoction to save the harvest. That was also the first time Sam showed interest in microbiology.

Sam had shadowed the whole process. He spent hours in the makeshift laboratory located in the back of a neighbor's barn. He hadn’t seen Sam for days. He had also never seen Sam so proud than when the harvest became healthy again. Jim suddenly wished Sam was with him. He hadn’t thought about his brother in a long time.

Kevin led him to his prized pumpkin. Jim drew a breath. Since he had been on Tarsus, he was positive he had never seen the pumpkin this small before. It wasn’t even half the size it had been at the beginning of summer. Its normally green leaves were curled in on itself. Its once lush orange tone now looked like week old burnt wax.

Jim set his hand on Kevin’s shoulder. Kevin curled his fingers around Jim’s shirt. They stood there for a long time looking at the sick pumpkin.

It was a long time later that Kevin tugged on his shirt. “Jane?”

“Hmm,” Jim whispered. He looked down at the little boy. Kevin stared up at him with his large, chocolate brown eyes.

“Do you think Governor Kodos could help?”

Kodos… Kodos with his library of books filled with knowledge of the ages… Kodos who was breeding him to talk over someday… Kodos who saw him as something worth wide. Kodos who knew some of the smartest scientists in the Federation. Jim smiled. “Of course.” Jim nodded. Kodos had to care about the settlement.

************    

However the next day when he arrived at Kodos’ office for his lesson, his aide, it was a different aide than the one he had met at the party, told him Kodos was away and would be away for at least a week or two. The aide handed Jim a PADD and showed him out the door.

It wasn’t until a week later that the effects became apparent. It started off as small changes. They were barely noticeable. There were fewer choices during the daily ration allocation. Instead of different vegetables for lunch and dinner, it became the same vegetable.

However it wasn’t until Kevin muttered, “Why we have to eat lettuce again,” that Jim realized. He was used to very little variety growing up. There were only so many dishes that the food synthesizer on the farm could make and even less that were actually functioning. He was used to eating the same meals for days on end. He had been surprised the first time Joan set dishes with varying taste and a wide variety of spices in front of him.

“Eat your greens, Son,” Thomas muttered.

Jim had to stifle back a smile when Kevin stuck out his tongue in disgust. “I hate lettuce,” he muttered under his breath.

************    

It was two weeks later. He had already dozed off when he felt a warm body entangle himself around his waist. Jim immediately snapped opened his eyes, and his breath quickened. He wasn’t used to physical contact. His heart stopped pounding as fast when he realized it was just Kevin. The little boy had curled himself against Jim.

“Kevin?” He said. His words slurred from being pulled from sleep.

“Jane, I’m hungry,” Kevin whispered.

Jim could feel and hear his own stomach grumble. “You’ll be less hungry when you’re asleep,” Jim muttered back.

Kevin shook his head. “No, I just start dreaming about blueberry pie.” Kevin whispered back. “Mama makes the best blueberry pie,” Kevin added as if it was an afterthought.

“Hmm,” Jim whispered. He was already starting to slip back to sleep. He felt Kevin grab his pajama top and gently shake it. Jim reached up and lightly rested his hand on Kevin’s. “Hmm,” he muttered again.

“I hungry, tell me a story,” Kevin whined again.

“Ok,” Jim muttered, trying to fight away the sleep. “Have you heard the story about stone soup?”

“Stone soup?” Kevin blew a raspberry. “That sounds gross.”

Jim laughed. “No, it’s really the best soup ever.”

“Better than Mama’s?”

Jim laughed. “Hmm, that’s hard. Probably…”

Kevin pulled on his sleeve. “Tell the story, Jane. Please.”

Jim laughed. “Okay, once upon a time…”

Kevin sat up and crossed his arms.

“What?” Jim asked.

“This isn’t a girly story, right?”

“Huh?”

“Only girly stories start with ‘once upon a time’.”

Jim laughed and gently punched him in the shoulder. “No, Kevin, it’s not a ‘girly’ story.” He felt himself air quoting as he said the word ‘girly’. He rolled his eyes. “Now, do you want to hear or not? If not, I’m going back to sleep.” Jim feigned pulling his blanket up. Kevin immediately grabbed his arm.

“Please tell me the story.”

Jim pretended to sigh in defeat. “Okay. Like I was saying before I was soo rudely interrupted.” He rolled his eyes at Kevin. He looked back at Jim guiltily. Jim patted the space next to him. It was a small cot, but both he and Kevin were small and skinny. They both easily fit. Kevin immediately climbed under the sheets and lay down. “Once upon a time there was a wandering traveler…”

“… The traveler smiled as he filled his bowl with another helping of stone soup. He knew everyone in the village was thinking the same thing. It was the best soup they had ever tasted,” Jim whispered. He looked over at Kevin. He could tell from his shallow breathing that he had long fallen asleep. There was a smile on his face as he clenched the hem of Jim’s t-shirt.

He hoped Kevin was having happy dreams. Tomorrow… tomorrow Kodos was returning. He was going to tell Kodos that the villagers were hungry and to redistribute the rations.

************

The next morning, Jim received a message on his PADD from Kodos telling him to keep up his reading and music. He had finished the reading weeks ago and as for music… well Jim… his piano skills weren’t anything to be proud of.

Kodos had been back for a month.

In that time, it seemed the portions were getting smaller, and the options were became a thing of the past. Soon breakfast, lunch and dinner all consisted of rice, lettuce and a small serving of meat. The meat was never recognizable.

“It’s dog,” Jack stated. It had been a long time since Jim saw his friends. They had all been working long hours in the fields. The fields were getting sicker and sicker by the day. However everyone still tried.

He heard Kevin draw a long breath. Kevin had been following Jim around lately. His mother was working longer and longer hours at the laboratory. She and two other botanists sent by Starfleet were still attempting to find the all allusive cure. While his father was in daily meetings, meetings which Jim was banned from attending.

“That’s stupid,” Eli retorted. “There is no way we are eating dog.”

“Well it sure ain’t cow or pork.” Jack poked at his sandwich.

Thomas rolled his eyes. “Well, if you don’t want it, give it here.” He stuck out his hand expectedly.

“I never said I didn’t want it,” Jack said hurriedly. “I was just commenting.”

“Well, we don’t want to hear your stupidity,” Jennifer bristled.

“Yeah, it could be…people!” Thomas yelled.

Kevin screamed and buried himself into Jim’s chest. Jim glared at Thomas.

“Sorry,” he said sheepishly.

Kevin tugged at his t-shirt. Jim looked down. “It’s not really people, is it?” Kevin whispered back. Kevin wasn’t good at whispering, so he was sure his friends heard. He saw how both Thomas and Jack’s lips twitched. At least they were decent enough not to laugh.

“No, of course,” Jim stated. There was no way Kodos was going to feed them people but most importantly it wasn’t like people were missing or dying in the settlement yet.

“Well, whatever it is. It tastes funny,” Jack added. He fiddled with his sandwich.

“Everything tastes funny to you.” Eli rolled his eyes.

“When you going to see Governor Kodos again Jane?” Jennifer stated.

“Hopefully tomorrow. He’s been really busy. They are probably trying to find a way to fix it.”

“Mama says it’s a virus,” Kevin added helpfully. “She says she’s never seen such a vir… vir….”

“Virulent?” Aiko supplied. She was always good at vocabulary. There were words that she knew that Jim had never even seen before.

“Yeah that,” Kevin nodded. “Virulent strand.”

Eli punched Jack in the arm. “See, I told you the government will help us.”

Jack just rolled his eyes. “Whatever. My uncle says we should abandon the settlement and contact the Federation for help.”

“Governor Kodos is Federation,” Eli retorted.

“More useful Federation,” Jack replied. “It ain’t right. They should have sent for Starfleet by now.”

“Governor Kodos will fix it. We got to show the Federation we can be independent and self sufficient.”

Thomas laughed. “Where’d you hear such nonsense from?”

“Sensible people,” Jack stated.

Maybe that day Jack was right. Maybe they should have all started wondering why Starfleet hadn’t been called in for evacuation or at least sent relief forces. However, human nature rarely works in such a way. Even after hundreds of years of evolution and social change, there were some things that were even harder to change than racial and social prejudices.

************

Kevin turned eight at the end of November.  It had been two months since the day Jim found Kevin crying about his sick pumpkin. It had been two months since he last saw Governor Kodos. Jack was insistent that something was wrong, that the federation should have came by now.

When the food rations plummeted further by the end of September even Eli's firm belief that Kodos was going to save them was slipping.

Jim wasn't sure he had ever been so hungry. Every night he went to the bed with a half empty stomach. Initially he thought that Joan and Tom would stop feeding him as well to save for Kevin. Frank would have, but for himself, but they never did. They gave him fair portions.

However Kevin was a growing boy who was used to getting seconds and third helpings. Jim was used to going to bed hungry growing up with Frank. There were many days when Frank would refuse to let him get food out of the food synthesizer.

Thus, Jim frequently found himself breaking his bread in half and slipping half of it onto Kevin's plate. The first time he did it. Kevin looked at him with wide eyes. Jim just winked and mouthed 'secret'.

Kevin shook his head and refused to eat it. Jim was certain Joan or Tom would scold him. However they both seemed tired. Their minds were deep in thought. In the end, Jim took it back. However he didn't eat it. He slipped it into his pants pocket and that night when Kevin slipped into his bed; Jim gave it to him. This time he ate it willingly.

It had become an almost nightly ritual after that night Jim told him the story of stone soup. Sometimes Jim would tell him a story while other times he was sing ancient lullabies. They were the only ones he knew. Their android nursemaid had been programmed with only ancient music. Jim guessed that attributed to his love for century old music and stories.

The only positive factor Jim found from never eating enough was he had stopped his monthly bleeding. It was a horrible silver lining but a silver lining never the less. It was the first time since his thirteenth birthday when he didn't have to feel a uterus he wasn't even supposed to have contract. It wasn't like he was ever going to use it. He had already decided he was never going to have children. His genes were defected. He never wanted to subjugate anyone to them.

The morning of Kevin's eighth birthday, Jim found Joan in the kitchen. He smelt something heavenly, and he almost thought that the last two months had been a horrible nightmare or that Kodos or even the rest of the Federation had brought deliverance.

When he walked into his kitchen, he almost backed away. He hoped she didn't see him. He doubted he would ever forget the image before him as long as he lived. The only thought which ran through his mind was... ‘Fuck Jack was right. Jack had been right.’

He found himself heaving out bile, stomach acid, and saliva into the sand behind the house. Kodos... he had to see Kodos. There was no way Kodos knew. He couldn't know, or he would have done something... anything.

"Jane?"

Jim looked up. It was Kevin. He was still dressed in his pajamas. He was calling from the bedroom window. That meant he hadn't left the room. He hadn't seen his mother in the kitchen... cooking... Jim felt his stomach churn again.

"Jane?" Kevin asked again. He was worried. He looked worried.

Jim wiped his mouth with the back of his wrist. He forced a smile on his face. "'Morning birthday boy."

A smile appeared on Kevin's face. "Mama promised a big cake and a party."

Jim tried to smile. Sometimes... sometimes ignorance really was bliss. "That's nice."

Despite the lack of food and the cake that Jim couldn't bring himself to eat, this was the best birthday party he had ever been to.

His birthdays had always been a sad day for his mother. When he was younger, she used lock herself in her bedroom. Once he had opened the door and saw her sobbing into a PADD containing the picture of his father. He heard her whispering, "I'm sorry George. I'm so sorry." He never could figure out what she was sorry for.

Sam's birthdays were better, and they actually celebrated them. However his mother never baked even Sam a birthday cake in his living memory, maybe she had when Sam was younger.

In place of lavish food, they played many old games: charades, pin the tail on the donkey, and even break the piñata which wasn't filled with candy.

After the guests left and it was just Jim, Kevin, Joan and Tom, they sat on the porch each nursing glasses of water. Water was the only commodity that there was still plenty of. It was ironic.

On a desert planet, the only abundance left was water. Tom handed Kevin his birthday present. Kevin took it excitedly. It was wrapped in brown parchment paper. It was a small package unlike some of the other gifts Kevin had received. The biggest was the newest model of the hover bike. Kevin had already extracted promises from both Tom and Jim to teach him how to ride it without training wheels. He was a big boy now. He was eight-years-old.

He tore the wrapping paper with gusto. It was a small box. It looked like a jewelry box. When Kevin flipped open the box, it revealed an old pocket watch. Jim had only read about them in books and old holo videos he used to watch. Even Kodos with his love of antiques didn't have one in his vast collection.

Kevin looked at it quizzically. He shook it. Jim cringed when he heard its inner workings rattle around. Luckily Tom reached over and placed his hand over his son's.

"Careful Sport. You'll break it."

"It already sounds broken."

Tom laughed. Jim could see laugh lines appear around his eye lids. "It's a pocket watch. It helps you tell time."

Tom reached around Kevin's waist and flipped open the lid. Jim immediately recognized that the face of the watch was made from mother of pearl. The numbers were engraved in gold lettering. The hands were made from sheets of gold. Even though in present day, gold was no longer a rare commodity. Hell the Ferengi even enclosed their prized latinum in it. Jim could tell in the year it was made, that gold was expensive and precious.

There was an old, nearly faded picture of a young woman on the side of the watch. She was pretty especially by past standards. Her fiery red hair was knotted onto a bun. She had large chocolate brown eyes.

"Who's that?" Kevin asked.

"She's your great, great, great, great grandmother. Your grandfather carried this watch with him during the Great War. He believed as long as this watch ticked, he would come home to her."

Kevin made a face. "That sounds like one of Jane's stories."

Both Tom and Joan laughed.

It really did.

************

That was the last good night they had together. The next morning Jim and Kevin woke up to discover the doctor in Joan and Tom’s bedroom.

Jim saw her figure thru the doorway of the master bedroom. She looked so pale and frail lying in a sea of blankets and pillows. Her night gown hung loose on her body. He saw a bowl by the foot of the bed. It contained bloody sheets and bloody clothes. Jim knew what it meant. He had seen it many times in the first two years of his mother's marriage to Frank.

The doctor must have realized. It was rare to nonexistent in this era of modern medical advancements. In some ways, it became more of an embarrassment when it did occur than ever before.

Jim drew Kevin close to his chest before pulling the door shut. Jim and Kevin sat on the doorstep. Jim drew circles in the sand with a stick. Kevin sat next to him. It looked so miserable.

"Jane," his voice sounded so strained. Jim could see the tear stains on his cheeks. At that moment Jim wondered if he would be as sad if it was his mother.

"Hmm?"

"What happened to your parents?"

It wasn't the question Jim was expecting. Nobody had asked about his parents since he arrived, and he never offered to tell them.

"My mom is out sailing thru the stars. She's an officer on star ship.”

“My uncle is serving on board a star ship too. Daddy says it makes my aunt sad.”

“Yes, Starfleet does break many families.”

Kevin placed his hand on his knee. “What about your daddy?”

Jim sighed. Nobody asked his dad. The whole Federation knew his story. Jim was tempted to say so, but Kevin didn’t know who he really was. Here, here he wasn’t Jim Kirk, son of a Federation hero. “My dad died a long time ago," Jim answered simply.

"Will Mama die?"

"No," Jim stated. "Not today. If that doctor can't help her, then..."

At that moment the door opened. Both Jim and Kevin bolted upwards. The doctor stepped out. He didn't make eye contact with either of them.

Tom was leaning against the door. His arms were behind his back. Kevin ran to him. Tom wrapped his arms around his son. "Mama?"

"She'll be fine, Kevin. The doctor said she'll be fine."

Jim heard him draw a breath. Jim didn't follow when Tom drew his son back into the house. Despite the Riley's welcoming him into their home, in some ways they treated him more like their own than his mother ever had. However, he was still an outsider. He would always be an outsider. However, this… this he could do to return their kindness.

He ran to Kodos' mansion. He had to know. He had to call for help. Jack was right. Whatever the government was doing, it wasn't helping. It was too big for them. They were starving. They were starving in a world where food synthesizers existed... where starvation had long been solved.

He crashed through Kodos' house. He pushed past the door man who proceeded to chase him through the hallways. He had always been fast. Living with Frank taught him how to be fast.

Kodos was sitting in his study. He was reading one of his books. His expression didn’t even change upon Jim’s unexpected entrance. "In heaven's name child, what is wrong?"

Jim collapsed onto Kodos’ desk. He let out large rasping breaths. He wasn’t used to running so fast anymore. There was no Frank to run away from anymore. "Please, please call Starfleet. Everyone is starving." He felt like he was ranting and raving.

Kodos stood up. He placed his book on the desk. There was a picture of Napoleon on the cover. He wrapped his arms around him. "Leave us."

Jim heard the door man back away and pulled the door shut.

"Little Jane," Kodos stated. He rubbed his fingers thru his cheeks. Jim flinched. "There is nothing to fear."

"But... Kevin's mom just lost her baby."

"Joan Riley?"

"Yes." Jim nodded.

"Oh child. That is a horrible thing to see." He patted his head. He smoothed his bangs. His hair was getting longer. "There is nothing to fear. We have a plan. A new era starts soon..."

Because Jim was so hungry, and at thirteen he really couldn't rationalize all the horrors of the world, Jim believed. He believed the words Kodos told him.


	8. Chapter 8

"It'll be okay child. You'll see. I have a plan, a plan to save us."

Jim nodded. His stomach grumbled at that moment. Kodos smoothed down his hair. He hadn’t had time to get ready this morning. "Come. Let's get you something to eat. And a bath and some clothes," Kodos added.

Jim nodded. He really was hungry. It had been weeks since he had eaten enough food to feel even marginally full especially after he started splitting his meager portions with Kevin.

Kodos led him to his kitchen. Jim's eyes widened. His grandmother had a kitchen like this. He remembered spending the holidays there when he was little before his mother started taking longer and longer missions. Then it was just Jim, Sam and their android caretaker before Frank came along.

It was easy to see that before the famine; this kitchen had been a lively place. Jim could easily surmise that this was where most of the food for Kodos' dinner parties had been prepared at.

Kodos pressed him into a chair. Maybe Kodos pushed a little too hard, or maybe Jim was just that weak. Whatever was the reason?  When Kodos left him at the breakfast table to make his food, Kodos' large handprint was left on his shoulder. It throbbed as much as his head did.

Jim watched as Kodos made him a sandwich: peanut butter and jelly. His mom had made that for him once when he was little. She called it comfort food like chicken noodle soup. He watched as Kodos cut the crust off before slicing the sandwich into equal triangles. His mother had never sliced the crust off his sandwiches. She was always in too much of a hurry to care about the little things.

Kodos set the plate down in front of him along with a tall glass of milk. Jim's eyes widened. The sandwich was huge. He had forgotten how large food portions could be. Seeing the sandwich, Jim really did believe Kodos. Kodos really had found a way to save them.

"Go on, child. Eat." Kodos smiled at him. He flashed his set of pearly whites.

Jim nodded. He reached for the sandwich. The first half he swallowed quickly. He hadn't realized just how hungry he was.

"Slowly, child, or you'll choke." Kodos smiled. "Do you like it? I rarely have any chance to cook for children."

Jim looked up from his glass of milk.

Kodos had been so nice to him. He was like a father that Jim never had. A father he had always wanted. Frank had been a bitter disappointment.

"Do you want a kid?" Jim was coy. He always had been.

Kodos laughed. "Very much. Maybe, a little girl with golden, blonde hair and blue eyes.... Maybe someday I'll be luck enough. Hmm?" Kodos smiled.

"Maybe," Jim smiled back.

He wasn't a girl, but maybe... maybe for Kodos he could be.

They sat in silence as Jim finished his sandwich. Kodos watched him in amusement. When he finished, Kodos stood up.

"Come, child. Let me show you to your new room."

"Room?"

"Of course. With the nasty business of the famine soon behind us, you will need to start your lessons: piano, singing, dancing, intrigue, leadership, history, again. We have lost so much time." Kodos steered him away from the kitchen. They went upstairs to a section of the house that Jim had never been to before.

They ended up inside a large bedroom. It was twice the size of his bedroom back home in the Riverside, and so much larger than the room he shared with Kevin. There was a bed in the center. It was a large queen sized bed. There was a dresser in one corner and a console in the other. There was large rug in the middle of the room. Above all, it was fully furnished.

"I'll let you settle you." Kodos said before leaving. "Dinner is at 7." He added before disappearing. Jim watched as the door closed behind Kodos. He heard the sound of the door latching shut. He vaguely wondered if Kodos had just locked him in. He wondered if he should investigate further, but his head felt funny.

As he sank into the bed and tethered on the edge of sleep, he wondered if Kodos had drugged him and why he wasn't more concerned.

Kodos later mentioned to Jim that he had notified the Riley’s of his new residence. They sent their good wishes.

*************

For a month, Jim lived in Kodos' house. Every day he ate lavishly. After the first night when he had thrown up everything he ate, he learned to pace his food intake. He was no longer hungry. Kodos really had saved them. He couldn’t wait to see his friends' or the Riley’s again. He mentioned it once to Kodos at dinner. Kodos waved his hands dismissively and asked about his studies.

For one month Jim lived in the illusion that everything was alright. For one month, Jim acted like the perfect, obedient daughter. He didn’t mention his friends or the world outside the confines of Kodos’ house again after that night. Kodos filled his days with lessons, and then there was Kodos’ personal library with books… real books. Jim found himself spending hours in the study immersed in Kodos’ classics.

He trusted Kodos. He trusted that because he wasn’t hungry anymore, nobody else was either.

He practiced his piano, read his books, but most of all he started to wonder when he stopped thinking of Kodos as Kodos but as 'father'. He wasn't his dad. That would always be reserved for the man who had saved 800 lives. The one he would never know.

It had taken Jim a day to realize that Kodos really had locked him in his bedroom. It would have taken less if he hadn’t been so god damn tired. The latching sound he had heard the first day was the sound of the door locking shut. For some reason, he never confronted Kodos about it. This was Kodos’ house. Maybe there was a reason he didn’t want him wandering around late at night. Also, Kodos never did it during the day. During the day, Jim was free to wander thru the mansion. He just chose to spend most of the free hours in that vast library.

*************

Jim had been in Kodos' mansion for three weeks when it first happened. Jim had stayed up late reading a book. He thought he was dreaming when he felt the dip in the bed created by another body weight and hot breaths traveling down his back. He didn't dare to open his eyes. He didn’t dare to move. He only fell asleep when he heard the sound of the Kodos’ ‘rooster’ crow. He told Jim the first morning he had spent the night months ago that it reminded him of a different time.

“There is nothing like waking up to the sound of a rooster’s crow.”

However when he finally woke up, the space next to him was empty. There wasn't a trace that someone had been sleeping there. Jim thought he was just being delusional, or maybe he didn't want to know. He found himself stalling. It took him twice as long to comb his hair.

He tugged at the collar of his turtleneck shirt. He wore turtlenecks almost constantly now to cover his barely formed Adam’s apple. His voice hadn’t cracked yet. As he looked into the mirror, he realized how feminine he was starting to look. He tilted to his side. As he fattened his shirt, he realized that his breasts had gotten larger over the month. He was starting to fill out now that he was no longer starving.

When he finally entered the dining room, there was a plate of breakfast and a PADD on the table with a list of readings and lessons he was required to read. His lessons were getting more and more interesting.

Kodos wasn’t anywhere. He ate a silent breakfast, and Jim was glad. He had never been good with confrontation, especially this. As he took a bite of egg, Jim realized he had let out a sigh he didn’t even know he was holding.

It happened again and again.

After the fourth time, Jim knew he wasn’t hallucinating. He didn’t understand. He really didn’t. The morning afterwards, Kodos once again left him a note on a PADD along with his lessons. It was a note stating that he would be tied up in meetings all day and to find his own lunch.

Jim slammed the PADD down. The mansion suddenly felt constricting. He was going tell Kodos he didn’t want any more lessons. He was going to leave. He secretly hoped it was a misunderstanding. It had to be a misunderstanding. Maybe Kodos thought he was lonely. Did parents sleep with their children like that? _Fuck._ It wasn’t like he had any points of reference.

He spent the day in his room. He sat in a chair that was directly across from the door and simultaneously far from the bed. He eyed both wearily.

He felt himself almost dozing off when the door opened. Jim looked up. His eyes immediately snapped open.

Kodos stumbled in. He looked drunk. Kodos was already half stumbling, half walking to the bed. Jim pulled his legs to his chest. He watched Kodos pull off his shirt and casually toss it to the floor. He toed off his boots.

Jim flinched when the book he had set down fell off the chair. It seemed to have shaken Kodos from his stupor. He immediately looked up. His eyes were wild and primal. He crossed the room in five quick strides. His body was imposing and larger than normal. He grabbed Jim’s arm with one hand. Jim tried to break free, but Kodos’ grip was strong.

With his other hand, Kodos ran his fingers through Jim's blonde curls. "God, are you beautiful my little blue eyes." His breath reeked of alcohol and tobacco. It reminded him of Frank. In fact, everything about the situation reminded him of Frank.

Jim pulled harder. “Let go!” He shouted. He pulled back.

Kodos grabbed both of his arms, hard. He smiled as he shook him. It was a cold smile. “Oh my little blue eyes,” he practically cooed. “You silly, silly child,” he said sluggishly.

“Let go,” Jim shouted again. His voice became more frantic. God, he needed to get away.

Kodos laughed. “Child, don’t you want to know what I’ve been doing all day?”

“No.” Jim really didn’t care. _Fuck._ He needed to get away.

“But child,” Kodos smiled. He ran a finger over Jim’s cheeks. He cupped his chin before tilting his face upwards. Jim could smell the alcohol in his breath. “Oh Jane.” He laughed. In that moment, Jim saw insanity. He saw the eyes of an insane man. The same look that for months he had been turning a blind eye to.

Jim pushed back on the balls of his feet. The force was enough for him to slip free. His wrist was still thin from the starvation he had previously experienced.

Kodos didn’t grab him again. He even seemed confused. Jim ducked past the man. As he reached the door, Kodos called for him. “Child, oh child,” he slurred his words together. He shook his head berating. “Tomorrow is a dawn of a new era. We’re going to follow in the path of the great men of the past. Rid the world of waste.”

Jim spun around. His eyes became large and blue. He watched as Kodos fell into the bed.

This would become a moment in his life that Jim would come to regret. He would regret that he didn’t march back into the room and demand to know what Kodos meant. Instead he ran. He ran from that mansion. Because at thirteen, Jim still believed. He believed he was still too young, too insignificant to do anything.

He ran from Kodos’ mansion and back into the settlement. It was eerily quiet. The lights that were normally lit outside the adobe houses were all turned off.

Jim, who had made this walk for months now, managed to find his way to the Riley’s assigned residence. As he reached the door, he was startled to not hear the sound of any voices. It wasn’t that late. Normally nights involved Tom playing on his bagpipes and Joan singing an old Irish song. They would sit in the living room with all the windows open to let in the autumn winds.

He and Kevin would share a couch. Afterwards they would play a board game or a card game, and then he and Kevin would curl up together in bed while Jim would read him a story off his PADD or tell a story from memory or make one up.

The door swung open the moment Jim touched it. It was strange. He knew Tom always locked the door at night, an old Earth habit that he never broke.

His eyes widened as he stepped inside. The soft moonlight that entered the windows was enough for Jim to see the destruction that had taken place in the home. Kodos' words resonated in his ears. "Kevin! Tom! Joan!" He screamed the names. He crashed through the house. He left the door wide open. It swung back and forth in the wind.

“Kevin!” He shouted again.

_Fuck._

The kitchen was in just as much of disarray as the small living room. Jim saw the remnants of what appeared to be the Riley’s dinner. There were smashed plates and bowls. The plant that Joan had tenderly cared for since before his arrival was lying on its side. The clay pot that Kevin had made from the clay of Tarsus for the plant was cracked in half. Dirt and brown water were leaking steadily from the base of the pot.

As he proceeded to leave the kitchen, he heard the faint sounds of a child’s whimper. He immediately pivoted around. “Kevin?” he whispered. The sound seemed to immediately disappear. “Kevin,” he said again. He walked around the kitchen table and into the adjoining laundry room. It was near dark in there. The moonlight didn’t travel this far into the house. “Kevin,” he said again. He scanned the room. It was hard to see past the shadows of the appliances and the freshly laundered clothes hanging on the racks.

It was only because he heard the quiet rustle that he located the little boy curled behind drying laundry and the washing machine. Jim immediately bent down. “Kevin?” he said again. He reached forward. He waved his arm around widely. He felt so blind.

The little boy bristled.

“It’s Jane,” Jim whispered.

“Jane,” Kevin whispered, a little confused. He saw Kevin’s eyes widen. He felt the little boy crash into him. Kevin seemed thinner than the last time he saw him nearly a month ago. He could practically feel the little boy’s rib cage poking through his thin shirt.

Kevin’s grip tightened around him. Jim wrapped his own arms around Kevin. The boy buried himself into Jim’s chest. He trembled. Jim stood up. It was awkward. Kevin’s weight; however, light nearly toppled them both over.

At that moment, Kevin pulled away. Jim could see traces of salt from dried tears and sweat. “Jane, we have to hide. Mama said to hide.”

Jim felt his blood run dry. “Kevin, where’s your mom and dad? Where are Tom and Joan?”

Kevin looked like he was going to cry again. He sniffed. “They took them.”

“Who did?”

“They…. Mama said to hide. We have to hide Jane. They’re going to come back,” Kevin rambled. He was frantic. He pulled on Jim’s shirt, tugging it forward.

“Who Kevin?” Jim asked again.

_Oh god. If what Kodos had told him…_

“Kevin, you got to tell me. Who?”

“The guards…” Kevin breathed out.

“When?”

“A… a few hours ago…” Kevin managed to breathe out.

“Fuck.”

“Jane?”

“Come on. We got to go see Jack…” Jack, Jim was sure he had connections to Starfleet.

“No, Jane, hide.” Kevin said again.

Just as Jim opened his mouth to argue, he heard the sound of footsteps. It seemed so close. Kevin’s eyes widened. “Jane…”

Jim pressed his finger to his lips. He scanned the room. There wasn’t a door or a window in the laundry room. The footsteps were getting closer. The kitchen didn’t have a direct view to the front door. He backed up. He set Kevin down. The boy tightened his grip on Jim’s arm. Jim motioned at the kitchen hoping that Kevin would understand. Kevin nodded.

They crept into kitchen. They stayed in the shadows. As Jim opened the window, the footsteps reached the front porch. As he hoisted Kevin through the window, the door swung open. The living room lit up. As he climbed through the window, he saw the guards Kevin spoke of. They were holding a PADD and torch lights. They looked annoyed and determined. As he lowered himself down, he heard them calling out ‘Kevin Riley’.

He landed hard on the balls of his feet. He flinched upon impact. Kevin immediately latched on again. His eyes were wide. “Jane.”

Jim pressed his index finger to his lips.

Kevin bit his lips. He looked like he wanted to cry. Jim pulled him along. He needed to get to Jack or any one of his friend’s house. Maybe he should see Mrs. Kimura. She had been a Starfleet officer once upon a time, but she was old now.

They stayed under the shadows of the plants and buildings. Kevin followed closely behind. It was so dark. Once they were far enough away, Jim chanced turning around. He saw that the Riley’s house was partially lit. He could make out the guards’ figures through the windows. It seemed they hadn’t given up the idea that Kevin was still in the house. Jim’s only consolation was that he had returned for Kevin when he did.

Jack’s house was nearly at the other end of the settlement. Jack’s family had been one of the first to arrive on Tarsus. Jim had only been to Jack’s house a handful of times. He pulled Kevin to the back of the house. Jack’s room was at the back of the house. He tapped the window. “Jack,” he half whispered, half shouted. “Jack.”

He was surprised how fast Jack’s face appeared at the window. He didn’t even look like he had been sleeping. Jim backed away as Jack pushed open the window. “Jane?”

“Jack…” Jim started. Jack motioned behind him. Jim nodded.

Minutes later, he and Kevin were in Jack’s house. It was dark like every other house in the settlement. He followed Jack into his room. Jack immediately pulled the door shut when they entered. Jim nearly did a double take when he noticed that Eli, Thomas, Jennifer and Aiko had all assembled in the room. They were sitting on the floor. Their faces lit up by the moonlight.

“Jane…” Jennifer immediately stood up.

“We have to contact Starfleet,” Jim blurted out.

“What the hell,” Eli positively groaned.

“It’s Kodos. He’s going to do something tomorrow.” Even at the words left his lips, he realized how lame it sounded.

“Yeah, he’s going to save us,” Jennifer explained.

“Save?” Jim said incredulously.

“I thought you were living with him.”

“I thought.” Jim shook his head. His eyes widened.

In the last month, Jim had lived with the idea that Kodos had already saved the colony, but now… from the moonlight he could see just how thin his friends were. They looked as thin and boney as Kevin. The little boy was still clinging tightly to his pants legs.

The dawn of the new era, Kodos’ infatuation with Hitler and Napoleon and the Eugenics wars, and then Kodos’ belief that only the useful deserved to live.

_Kodos was going to… he was going to…_

He felt his blood run cold.

“Kodos is going to purge the settlement tomorrow.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the extreme delay in this chapter. I never planned for these Tarsus chapters to take so long, or become so detailed.
> 
> Due to that, I had to figure out/work out what actually occurred in this universe's Tarsus massacre. The next chapter should not take this long.

"What the fuck Jane!"  Eli blurted out.  His other three friends just stared at him at a loss for words.  He felt Kevin’s grip on his pant legs tighten.

Aiko was the next to recover.  "Jane, that’s a really serious accusation.”  She was always the pragmatic one.  She pressed her fingers together to her chest. 

“You can’t just go saying stuff like that,” Thomas added.

Jim rolled his eyes. Only Kevin was looking at him with big chocolate brown eyes.  

 _Fuck_...

He probably should not have said that.  The little boy looked ready to burst into tears.

"You're just being paranoid, Jane.”  Eli squeezed the ball that he had been holding even tighter.  Jim watched the ends spewed out from between his fingers.  They morphed into heads, hundreds and thousands of heads.  Heads that would roll, heads that would bleed, heads that would contain lifeless eyes if he couldn’t convince his friends that he wasn’t crazy.

  
"No, I'm not.  I fucking swear.  We have to contact Starfleet."

“Starfleet?” Eli almost laughed incredulously, but Jim stopped paying attention to Eli.  He instead turned to look at Jack and Aiko.  He was certain Jack had ties to Starfleet, and so did Aiko through her great grandmother.  “Starfleet doesn’t care about us, Jane.  In fact, I’m surprised you still care.  Why are you even here?  I thought you were a Kodos supporter.  Parroting that ‘Kodos can save us’.”  Jim wanted to punch him, but he didn’t have the time, and he hated to admit it but he probably would need him… for whatever the fuck they were about to do.

“Stop it, Eli,” Jack cut in.  He had been silent this whole time, him and Jennifer.  Jennifer looked pale.  “Maybe Jane is right.”

Eli threw him a look.

“It is a little odd that they rounded up half of the population tonight.  You said it yourself.”  Jack pointedly added. 

Eli closed his mouth.

“And…” Jack took a deep breath.  “If she’s right, well… that’s really bad.”

“And what if she isn’t?”

“Then at least Starfleet will know.  We’ll get help.  Obviously, Kodos isn’t doing anything.”

“And what are we going to do?”

“I overheard some men talking at Pa’s shop the other day.  Supposedly there is a laboratory a few days’ walk away.  Maybe we could take a hover car?”  Jennifer suggested.  She pulled her legs against her chest.

_A laboratory?_

That didn’t sound right.  Jim had always assumed Tarsus was empty save from this tiny settlement in the middle of nowhere, but he didn’t have time to think about it.  “That’ll take too long.”

“Jane’s correct.  We need something immediate.”

Eli sighed.  “This is stupid, but there are trans-receivers in the government building.” Jack gave him an incredulous look.  “I don’t know if they work though.  Mom says she’s never seen anyone actually use it.”

“We can’t break into a government building.”

Aiko let out a gasp.  “I… I think great grandma has one… in the school house.  I think they gave it to her to send our progress reports back to Starfleet, but… I don’t know if she actually ever used it.”  Aiko immediately deflated.  She tucked back a piece of her hair behind her ears.

“The school house is definitely safer.”  Jim nodded.  He looked down at Kevin.  The little boy was sobbing into his pant legs.  They couldn’t take Kevin with them, but Jim didn’t want to leave him behind either.

He wondered if Jack noticed too.

“We don’t all need to go to the school house, and even if we do manage to alert Starfleet.  We don’t know when Kodos will …” Jack trailed off.

At least Jack believed him, and maybe they were all starting to, even Eli.  Jim saw him bite his lower lip.  Jim hoped he was wrong, but the clues were all there.

“Dawn?” Thomas finally spoke up.  He had been so quiet this whole time Jim had forgotten he was even there.

“Dawn?”

“It’ll be the first sunrise of the New Year.”

“New Year?”

“Tonight’s Tarsus’ New Year Eve,” Aiko explained.  “That’s why we’re all here,” she further explained.

Jim faltered.  “That wasn’t right.  There was almost another week until New Year.  He knew because his birthday was exactly three days after New Year Day, January 4th.”  He would be fourteen.  It would be fourteen years since his dad’s death, and his mother stopped smiling.

“That’s for Earth.  Tarsus’s cycle around its sun is a few days shorter.”

“So you better be right, Jane,” Eli added.  “Cause we’ll look really dumb if we’re actually crashing a New Year’s party.” 

“New Year’s party?” 

“Surprised you know about it.  It’s a lottery or something.  You have to be chosen.”  Eli emphasized.  He dug into his pant pocket and pulled out a leaflet.  It was parchment paper.  He handed it to Jim.  He didn’t know what he was expecting, but he definitely wasn’t expecting this.  It looked so innocent, so real, that for a moment Jim really thought he was wrong, that Kodos was the man he always thought he was.  The honorable leader who had saved them all like he promised, but one quick look at Kevin and his friends, he knew he wasn’t wrong.  Kodos wasn’t that man.  He wasn’t wrong.  He crumpled the leaflet with his hand. 

“We’ll need a plan, and more people.”

“My brother,” Aiko immediately added. 

Jim didn’t even know Aiko had a brother.

“He’s older,” Aiko explained. 

It wasn’t a bad idea.  In fact, the more Jim thought about it, the more sense it made.  He barely got his friends to believe him.  There was no way he could convince grownups about his fears.  They would need help and a lot of it.

Jim nodded.  His friends, one by one, nodded too.  Kevin tightened his grip on Jim’s pant legs. 

Jack led them out the back.  Jim noticed the small trail of white light that escaped from the edge of what could only be of Jack’s parents’ bedroom.  They could go to them.  Let adults take care of this, but Jim quickly doused that idea.  He had trusted once.  He trusted Kodos.  He trusted his mother.  He trusted many adults, and they all let him down.  Now it was his turn.  He was going to save them.

The dirt streets of Tarsus were quiet.  It was eerily quiet considering it was New Year’s Eve.  Aiko lived a few houses down from Jack.  Her great grandma and grandpa lived across the street; however, they walked past those houses.   

“Tsuneha lives down there,” Aiko motioned.  She led them up a dirt path.  His brother’s home was a small adobe house.  She knocked softly before pushing inside to complete darkness.  “Tsuneha!” She called out.

A dark shadow suddenly appeared.  Jim nearly back up until he realized it belonged to a tall, towering young man.  He had Aiko’s eyes and her dark hair.  “Aiko!”  He pulled her into a tight hug.  Jim noted how she held on to him for a fraction of a second longer and clung to him a little tighter.  Jim couldn’t fault her for that.  In that moment, Jim knew that Aiko did believe him.   Maybe they all did. 

She pushed away from her brother a moment later.  “Tsuneha…” She started.  She stopped with another figure appeared.  He was shorter than Tsuneha.   He had a dark coffee complexion.  He was cradling a small bundle in his arms.  His dark chocolate brown eyes looked worried at he looked from Tsuneha, to Aiko and then to Jim. 

“Aiko?”  The man stepped into the foyer and passed the tight, whimpering bundle to Tsuneha.  Jim felt Kevin’s grip loosen on his pant leg.  He noticed how intently he was looking at the tiny bundle.  Jim gently pushed the little boy forward.  He didn’t need to hear about their plans. 

“Jude, Tsuneha…” Aiko looked at him.  Jim wondered if she was asking him, as if it was a final peal that he was joking.  That this was all on big, elaborate joke, and Kodos wouldn’t…

But Jim knew; he knew just as he knew that in a few hours the sun would rise that he wasn’t wrong.  He still didn’t understand why Kodos had warned him.  He wondered if Kodos even meant to warn him. 

He stepped forward.  He wasn’t going to make Aiko tell her brother, and who Jim guessed was her brother-in-law and niece or nephew. 

“I’m Ji… Jane.  Aiko’s friend…”

“We know,” Tsuneha stopped him.  “Great grandma told us.  She volunteered you to train under Kodos.”

Jim noted the contempt in his eyes when he spoke Kodos’ name.  He wondered how many others hated Kodos.  How many others would fight with them?

He watched as Kevin walked over to Tsuneha and gently placed his hand around the tiny child in Tsuneha’s arms.  At least Kevin wasn’t listening.  He didn’t need to know.  He watched as Jude noticed and drew the little boy into the adjourning room with the tiny bundle.  Jim was thankful for that.  Kevin had already cried earlier. 

Once Jude appeared again, Jim continued.  He spoke softer now.

“Kodos has a plan to kill half the colony tomorrow.  His own eugenics program… his plan to save the colony…” As he spoke, the words, they seemed to just flow outwards.  It didn’t even sound like they were coming out the mouth of a thirteen-year-old.  The words that he hadn’t spoken to his friends, these were the thoughts that had been tumbling around in his mind.

He saw Tsuneha raise a hand to his mouth.  He saw Jude’s eyes harden. 

“We think that’s what he’s planning to do under the disguise of the New Year Eve party.”  Jim finished lamely.  He hoped they believed him because the more he spoke those words, the more ridiculous he knew it sounded; however, similarly the realer they became.

Tsuneha choked out an inaudible sound from the back of his throat. 

“Ol…older brother?” Aiko whispered out.  She seemed to be shaking.

“If Jane’s right then… Mom, Dad, Great grandma…” Tsuneha trailed off.

“She’s not lying.” Jack stepped forward.  “She ain’t.  We need help to save them.”

“Half the colony was invited,” Jude countered.

“That means half can still help us.  And there must be others like Kevin’s parents that hid their children, that suspected,” Jim continued speaking.  “We’re going to split up into groups.  Contact Starfleet, reconnaissance, and gather support…”  The plan tumbled from Jim’s lips.  It was still hazy, but the more he spoke, the more hope gathered within him that maybe they could actually pull this off. 

Kodos might have taken half the colony, but that also meant half the colony was still around to help.  They had to help.  “We’re four thousand strong.”  He looked at his friends, at Aiko’s brother, and towards the room where Kevin was currently sitting in. They had to help, for Kevin’s sake, for Aiko’s sake, and for all the other men and women he didn’t know.

“Supposedly, Ms. Kimura has a transmitter we can use to send a message to Starfleet.  Aiko and Eli are going to send them a message.  Jack and Jennifer and I are going to scout out Kodos’ estate…”  He picked Jack because he knew Jack wouldn’t agree otherwise, and Jennifer was quick on her feet.  “Thomas and Kevin can convince the rest of the colony to join.”  He quickly finished.  He left off Tsuneha and Jude because he wasn’t sure if they were going to help. 

When his friends didn’t protest, he turned to Tsuneha and Jude.

“Tsuneha can help Thomas.  He knows the caverns the best, but I’m coming with you Jane.”

Jim opened his mouth to protest, but then shut it.  It wouldn’t hurt: another pair of eyes.

Tsuneha looked at him for a moment before speaking.  At the moment, Jim realized why Aiko had suggested her brother.  “There’s a series of underground caverns a few kilometers away to the north.  We can meet up there.”

“Tsuneha and Jude are Starfleet geologists,” Aiko stated proudly.  “He and Jude were sent here to study the caverns of Starfleet.  There is a huge underground system beneath us!” 

“Aiko,” Tsuneha spoke fondly.  He set a hand on his sister’s shoulder.     

It wasn’t a bad idea.  It would keep the resistance protected and together.  “Okay.”

“Then we should go,” Jack stepped forward.  At the moment, Kevin ran out of the room.  Jim wondered how long the little boy had been listening.  He immediately latched onto the corner of his shirt.

“No!”

Jim looked over at Thomas and Jack.  The two boys quickly looked away.  Jim sighed before bending down to Kevin’s eye level.  He looked at Jim with his big, chocolate browns eyes.  “You got to stay with Thomas and Tsuneha.  You can protect the baby.”  Jim quickly added.  He could feel useful and maybe that would make all the difference.

“No.”  Kevin shook his head.  He tightened his grip on Jim’s shirt.  “I want to go with you.”

Jim sighed.  Theoretically Kevin could come with them.  He was fast for his age, but there was a part of Jim… a part that feared what he saw.  It was the same reason he had insisted that Aiko and Eli send the message to Starfleet. Because how pale Eli looked, how he hadn’t spoken once, Jim was started to getting a feeling that members of Eli’s family must have been invited to Kodos’ party’s too. 

“You can’t.” 

“But…”

“Jane…” Jack’s voice called behind him.  He detected the urgency in his voice.  Jim wasn’t dumb.  They were fighting time, and Jim had learned a long time ago that it’s near impossible to win against time.  He spotted the glimmer of silver in Kevin’s pant pocket.

Kevin’s pocket watch, the one his dad gave him for his birthday.

Jim drew it from Kevin’s pocket.   The little boy looked at his quizzically.  “Remember what your dad said about this watch?”

Kevin shook his head.

“Your granddad carried this watch with him during the Great War.  He believed as long as…”

“The watch ticked, he’ll come home.”   Kevin finished.  He looked up at Jim will his large imploring eyes.  “You’ll come back?  With Mama and Papa and everyone else Kodos took?” 

He looked up at Thomas and Jack.  He saw as both boys looked away.  It was his promise to keep.  “As long as the watch ticks, we’ll come back, Kevin.  You listen for it.”  He placed the watch into the little boy’s hands.  Jim saw him cradle it as if it was the most important thing in the world.  “Now you go help Thomas and Tsuneha.”

“Okay.”  Kevin nodded his head.  He bit his lips then grinned.  “You’re going to be superheroes Jane, the league of J’s.”

Jim laughed.   “Yeah, that’s right, buddy.”

Kevin then took Thomas’ larger hand; it dwarfed both Jim and Kevin’s.  He watched as they disappeared into the darkness of the night with Tsuneha leading the way. 

“You shouldn’t have done that, Jane,” Jack broke the silence.

“I know, but I had too,” Jim clenched his fist.  Because he had to try, he was going to try his hardest to save them all.  “Let’s get going.”  He closed his mouth before any more promises left his lips, before he had to make any more promises that he wasn’t sure how he was going to keep. 

And that, that scared him the most.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I never meant for the events on Tarsus to take so many chapters. It was actually supposed to have only been one or two chapters, but these characters had a story they wanted to tell.
> 
> Because of that I've decided to reorganize the structure of this first fic in the series. I've decided to break what would have been one fic into three shorter pieces. 
> 
> Hence the revised tags, characters, summary and title.

Jim led Jack, Jennifer, and Jude, they were the league of J’s, as Kevin had called them, through Kodos’ grounds.  He had walked this path so many times he could do it blindfolded.  He knew every bush, every fountain, and every spot that was cast in shadow. 

He hoped Aiko and Eli would be able to figure out how to get the trans-receiver working.  That they would be able to get a message through to Starfleet because the further Jim walked, the less confident he was about this plan.

It was almost midnight.  If Thomas was right, they only had seven hours before dawn… before… Jim didn’t want to think about the alternative.  He couldn’t. 

He looked back behind him.  His friends and companions’ faces mirrored his own.  He hoped Thomas, Kevin and Tsuneha would be able convince more people to help.  They had to help. 

Kodos had ‘invited’ four thousand people to his ‘New Year’s’ party. 

As they rounded the last hedge, the pit of Jim’s stomach dropped.  He felt Jennifer bump up against his back. 

“Jane!” Jack hissed.  “Wha…”  The words died from his lips at that moment.

And Jim knew, he knew he wasn’t hallucinating. 

It seemed in those weeks that he had been staying in Kodos’ mansion, Kodos had erected a large coliseum like structure in his backyard.  There were large, blinding white lights that shown into the stadium located on the four axis of a compass.  It was shorter than the ancient Roman one.  The walls were barely taller than one and half full grown men.  Jim could tell it was also smaller volume wise from the Roman one which could hold over 80,000 spectators comfortably.  If anything close to a stampede happened, it could be just as deadly.  Jim wondered if Kodos had chosen these dimensions for that reason.  

“What the fuck is that?!” Jack cursed out.

“Clearly our destination,” Jennifer commented.

“The south side,” Jim muttered.  They turned to look at him.  “There’s a second entrance on that side,” he clarified.  Jim had taken them through the east.  The north and west sides were both bordered by Kodos’ mansion.   They each nodded.

They crossed the length of the garden and a quarter of the stadium’s outer wall in record time.  They could hear muffled sounds coming from inside.  They hastened their movements.  At the southernmost point, Jim noted a set of rocks that were perturbing slightly outwards from the wall of the stadium.  Jim vaguely wondered if Kodos had intentionally constructed the walls with these footsteps.  The idea died from Jim’s mind as they stepped on the stones.  He lifted his eyes over the edge of the walls, just barely high enough to see and hopefully not be seen.

The moment Jim looked over the wall, his heart nearly stopped.

Four thousand people were standing inside.  Four thousand hungry stricken men, women, children, and even babies pressed against their mothers’ bosoms, were just standing there.  Just as Jim had feared, there wasn’t nearly enough space for everyone.  They were nearly all shoulder to shoulder.  Jim couldn’t understand why they weren’t questioning what was going on.  How could anyone think this was a party?

The adults seemed to be talking amongst themselves in hushed voices. 

Jim noticed a few stubs of holly hanging along the wall.  It was the only thing festival about the whole set up. 

He scanned the stadium quickly. 

Neither Kodos nor any of his men were anywhere in sight.

_Maybe Kodos was just really bad at hosting parties?_

Jim shook his head.  That was ridiculous.  He had entered some of Kodos’ parties during the summer, before everything suddenly went to hell.  They had all been lavished parties.  They were nothing like this one. 

Jim gripped the sides of the wall.  His fingertips dug into the stone wall.  He can feel the loose pebbles burrowing under his fingernails.  They had gotten long.  He had forgotten to trim them. 

Half of him wanted to throw their entire plan away.  They were only here to observe.  They weren’t going do anything.  They weren’t enough of them.  However, now that he was here all he wanted to do was jump over the wall and… and… the thought died from Jim’s mind.  He couldn’t.  He knew that. 

He turned towards his friends.  Jennifer looked pale, while Jack and Jude just looked angry. 

“We can’t.”  Jennifer muttered.

Jim looked at her.

“We can’t charge in like that.  We can’t make a scene.”  Her voice sounded so level.  The words Jim couldn’t say.

Before any of them could respond, there was a loud bang.  They all turned their heads back to the arena.  They peered over the wall.  From the north, a figure walked out.  He was flanked by four guards on each side.  Jim counted them easily.  He had always been fast with numbers.

Jim recognized the figure immediately.  He could recognize that stature from anywhere.  It was Kodos.  Jim took a deep breath as he watched the man head for the elevated podium.  He watched as he held out his hands, palms facing upwards towards the heavens.   The arena went quiet.

The man smiled.

“Citizens!”  He shouted.  Jim can hear him so clearly… so clearly.  The words vibrated through the coliseum.  “Tonight is a glorious night, a night of history… the dawn of a new era.  Mankind has always strived for perfection, for superiority.  Even nature looks for a way to survive, to rule out the weak, the inferior so that only the strongest, the most superior lives.  Food is running out.  The Federation relief ships are four weeks out.  However we only have enough food to sustain the entire colony for two weeks, or half the colony for four weeks.”

Jim took a deep breath.

“As a result, it is with a heavy heart, after long, agonizing hours of analyzing the data, we…” Kodos motioned towards guards surrounding around him, “have determined all who is assembled here to be the inferior breed.”  Kodos pulled out a sheet of paper from his pockets.  He looked down at it before he continued to speak.  “The revolution is successful. But survival depends on drastic measures. Your continued existence represents a threat to the well-being of society. Your lives mean slow death to the more valued members of the colony. Therefore, I have no alternative but to sentence you to death. Your execution is so ordered, signed Kodos, Governor of Tarsus IV.” 

Kodos looked up. 

Even from so far away, he could see a small smile forming on Kodos’ lips.  He looked directly in Jim’s direction, and at that moment Jim wondered if Kodos knew he was there.  For his eyes lingered on him for a fraction of a second.  He recognized the madness in his eyes.  However, what scared Jim the most was that even through the insanity, Jim recognized him as the man who said ‘checkmate’ to him during those long, hot summer nights when he taught him how to play 3D chess.  He could still recognize the man who taught him about the world, about history, and for a second made him feel wanted.

And then it began.

The thousands of shots that were fired through the night sky hailing in the dawn of the New Year.  Over and over the guards fired their guns.  They weren’t even phasers.  Instead they used the ancient weapons of the past:  the guns with bullets, with gunpowder. 

He heard the screams.  He heard the cries.  He saw the rivers of red that ran through the stone platform of the coliseum that penetrated between the stone tiles to forward stain the ground red with blood.  The air smelt like iron.  It tasted like death, sorrow and sadness.

And all he could do was stand there and watch.  All he could do was stand on that stone ledge and watch helplessly as four thousand died in front of him, as four thousand people were murdered in cold blood.

Most of all, his throat felt so, so raw.

“Jane!”  

“Jane!”

“Stop it!”

_Jack!_

His eyes, that he hadn’t noticed he had firmly shut, snapped open.  Jack’s arms were on his shoulders.  He was shaking him furiously.  He immediately closed his mouth.  He had been screaming.

“God Jane,” Jack hissed; however, there was very little malice in his voice.  His hands dropped from Jim’s shoulders.  He turned to look at Jennifer and Jude.  They both looked visibly pale.

He had failed.  He had failed Aiko.  He failed Kevin.  He failed them all.  All those people dying or dead in the coliseum.  Kodos had told him.    He really did think ‘tomorrow is a dawn of a new era’ had meant dawn.  That would have many hours to plan a resistance, not until the stroke of midnight.

“We should see if there are any survivors,” Jude muttered.

Jim looked up.  Of course, Jude didn’t have any blood relatives living on Tarsus, but Tsuneha and Aiko did.  Their whole family had been invited.  Jim nodded. 

By the time they found an opening, the cries and moans had already died down.  None of them had the stomach to scale the wall.  It was only a person and a half in height.

Kodos and his soldiers had long disappeared.  The spot lights had been turned off.  The only light was from the moons of Tarsus.

The ground was sticky. The air tasted more like iron here than on the other side. 

Jim quickly looked away when he spotted bloodied claw marks along the east wall.  There was a pile of bodies scattered at the base of another.

His friends had gone off in different directions.  He noted how Jennifer walked slowly, stopping at each body.  He watched her tenderly place two fingers along the neck of each body she passed.  He noted how she would turn away in disappointment.

Jude was more frantic.  He barely gave most of the bodies a passing glance, but Jim could understand that.  There were thousands, thousands of bodies here: four thousand bodies.  And he had to find Tsuneha and Aiko’s parents and grandparents. 

Jack fell in between.  He didn’t walk as fast as Jude, but he also didn’t stop at each body like Jennifer did.  However, he too seemed to be looking for somebody.  He never did ask their friends if they had family here.  He had just assumed Jack and Jennifer didn’t. 

He didn’t have time for regrets.  He had to find Joan and Tom.  He had promised Kevin. 

He chose to go north, north where Kodos’ main back door was.     

He felt sick walking through the sea of bodies.  The horror on their faces… it was the last look on most of these colonists’ faces. 

He suddenly felt sick. 

Jim gripped his stomach and looked away. 

But he couldn’t escape.   He couldn’t escape the heavy iron smell that laced the air.

He stumbled forward. 

All of the faces… all the nameless people that he never got to know but was supposed to have saved.

His nausea subsided to anger.

“Kodos…”  He muttered under his breath.  He would never forget that name.  He would never forget that man’s face, his eyes, his voice…

“I’ll avenge you all.”

“Jane! Jude!  Jack!”  Jennifer’s voice pierced through the stadium. 

Jim immediately turned towards his friend’s cries.  Jennifer was only a few feet away.  She was stumped over on the ground.  She seemed to be cradling something in her lap.  Jim realized it was a person.  She seemed to be talking to them.

He was the closest.  His heart nearly dropped as he approached Jennifer. 

“Ja… Jane?”  She reached for him with one hand.  With the other, she had it over her chest.  Jennifer’s hand was also over her hand.  Jim could tell it was covering a wound.  Red blood was seeping profusely from under her hand.

Jim fell to her side and immediately took her hand.

“Ms.… Ms. Kimura,” Jim choked out.

He looked up at Jennifer.  Her eyes were red from crying.

Ms. Kimura creased his cheek.  “O… oh Jane… I’m so sorry.”  She muttered.  “So sorry.”

“No…”  Jim shook his head, profusely.  He placed his own hands over her hand before cupping them with his fingers.  They felt so cold, so boney… so covered in wrinkles.  “Nothing to be sorry about,” Jim continued.  He looked up at Jennifer who nodded quickly in agreement.

“Jude will be here soon, Ms. Kimura.”  Jennifer continued for him.

She smiled at them.  Her chocolate brown eyes were so warm and inviting.  Just like the first day he had met her so many years ago.   Just like every time had taught them.  Jim suddenly regretted never paying attention to her lessons.  That he never got to talk to more about her past… after her adventures… got her to teach him more than xenolinguists.   

_No…_

_No..._

He couldn’t think like that.  She was going to be fine.

“Hold on,” Jim muttered.  He clenched her hand tighter. 

Her smile got wider.

“You… you going to tell me I’m fine?”  She asked humorously.

“You will.”  Jim stated.  His blue eyes steeled with conviction.  She couldn’t die.  She was Hoshi Sato.  She couldn’t die here on Tarsus. 

She smiled.  She raised her other hand, the one covered in blood to cover Jim’s hands.  This one was warm and sticky.  Jim chose to not look at it.

“D… don’t lie to me now.  I… I know it’s bad.”

Jim shook his head.  She couldn’t die.  She couldn’t.  She was a hero of the Federation, a member of Archer’s legendary crew. 

“No…”  Jim shook his head, again.  “You’ll be fine.  Right, Jennifer?”  He pleaded to his friend.

Jennifer bit her lips but nodded hurriedly through her tears.

“See!  You have to be fine.” Jim continued frantically.  “We’ll find a medic.  Starfleet will be here soon.”  He knew he was rambling now.  “Aiko’s probably got through to them by now. They’ll be here soon.  Warp drive ain’t so slow anymore.  Can’t take them four weeks.”

She took a deep breath and smiled again.

“Star… fleet… it’s a long time since I heard that name.”  She gasped.  Her body shuttered.  Jennifer tightened her hold.  She coughed up a mouthful of blood.

“And… and you’ll see them soon,” Jim continued.

She smiled.  She shook her head.  “No… no it’s time for me to go…”

“No!” Jim shouted out.  “You can’t!  You… you got to teach us more.”

She chuckled through the blood.   “Never… never taught you anything, child.  Too smart…”

Jim shook his head.  “No… no that’s not true.”

She smiled again.  She looked at them both long and hard.  “D…don’t lie to an old woman.”  She chided between her shutters.  “May…maybe I can teach you one thing.  Look at me children.”

They both nod.

“It… it’s too late for me, but… you two… you got your whole lives ahead of you.  You got to live… got to tell the world…”

“We will,” Jennifer muttered before her sobs.

Jim nodded.

“And… tell Johnathan… tell him… it was a pleasure… to serve with him…”  Her eyes closed.  She took her last breath.  Her hand went limp.   Jim looked up at Jennifer.  Tears streamed from her eyes.   Jack reached them, moments later. 

He managed to loosen Jim’s hand from Ms. Kimura.

Jude arrived seconds later.  He fell to his knees.  Jim backed up.  He looked up at Jack.  His friend looked horrible.  He knew his face wasn’t any better.

“We… we got to get out of here, Jane,” Jack stated. 

Jim turned.  He knew that Jack was right. 

Nobody could have survived.  Kodos made sure of that.  He didn’t know much about medicine nor was he a doctor, but he knew enough to know that a normal wound shouldn’t bleed that much.  Ms. Kimura hadn’t even been shot in a critical area.  In fact most of the people hadn’t been shot in critical areas.  There shouldn’t have been so much blood.

Kodos… Kodos must have done something.

But then he remembered the little boy waiting for him… the little boy who he promised to bring his parents back.  No, he… he had to find Tom and Joan.  He knew he probably couldn’t save them, but he had to know.  He had to remember, but he had too.

“Kevin’s parents… I got to find them.”  Jane stated.  He took off to the sound of Jack calling out his name. 

He plowed through the stadium.   The body of hundreds that he couldn’t help, the nameless thousands who he had been too slow... too weak to save.

He found Tom and Joan near the east entrance.  They looked like they hadn’t tried to run.  Thomas’ arms were wrapped around Joan, while Joan was clenching Thomas just as tightly.  He didn’t even have to step closer to know.  Jim choked out a cry. 

“I’m soo… sorry.”  He muttered to the dead who couldn’t hear him.

“Jane.”

He looked up.  It was both Jennifer and Jack.  Jude was only a few steps behind them.

“We should go.”

Jim nodded.

It was true.  There wasn’t anything they could do for these people, but there were still four thousands citizens in Tarsus who needed to know what Kodos had done.

Jim nodded.

They ran for the caves.  They didn’t even try to be discreet this time.  They all knew there wasn’t any point anymore.  Kodos had already succeeded.  They had failed.

They weren’t even a few meters from the arena when Jim saw it: the flash of lights in the dark sky… the loud bangs that thundered overhead.  He felt the heat on the back of his neck.  He didn’t even have to turn around to know that Kodos’ men had dropped a series of fire bombs into the arena… another weapon from a bygone era. 

_They are going to burn the bodies.  They are going to reduce them to ashes so nobody will know._

But he’ll know… they’ll know.

He now understood what Hoshi Sato was trying to say with her last breath.

He won’t forget.  He’ll never forget.

He gritted his teeth and ran faster. 


	11. Chapter 11

There were exactly thirty of them, armed with rocks, knives, pots and pans, and any other item they could find, who stormed Kodos’ mansion four hours later.  Most of them were children.  The oldest was Jude, and his two friends, both blacksmiths.  They were all angry.  They shared Jim’s anger, Jim’s hatred, and Jim’s fear.

He wondered if it was a suicide mission.

He wondered if he would ever see Kevin again.  He had been too afraid, too ashamed to find him, to tell him that his mama and papa were never coming home.  He hoped, although he had learned that hope was a fragile thing, Kevin still had a family somewhere.  He hoped the little boy could still find happiness. 

He deserved it, more than Jim did.

He found a thousand and one reasons to avoid Kevin.

Initially it was that he didn’t want to awake the boy.  Tsuneha had taken the little kids, the ones they didn’t want fighting, to the back of the cave.  The ones whose innocence they wanted to protect, the ones whose parents had suspected at the last moment and hid their kids like Kevin’s parents.

Jim wasn’t sure what he should have been expecting when they arrived at the cave.

Thomas and Eli had been waiting for them outside the cave.

He hated the looks they gave them when they arrived.  He remembered the hope on their faces.  The hope he had once shared with them not even twenty-four hours earlier when he was still sleeping in Kodos’ mansion, reading books in the bedroom that Kodos had provided for him, and god… eating a full meal when the rest of the colony were starving on half rations.

It made Jim sick just thinking about it.

So as they approached his friends, Jim had wished, god he had wished he didn’t have to crush that hope. 

Jack had shaken his head.

Thomas cursed while Eli just fell to the ground.  “Those lights from earlier?”

“Firebombs,” Jim had answered because he had too.  He doubted his friends knew about those archaic and barbaric weapons. 

“There was an arena.  Kodos made a speech,” Jennifer had explained.  Her words felt so far away.  “It was like he had planned it.  Like he knew this would happen.”

“He couldn’t.  Why would he?” 

"Doesn’t matter, now.  We can’t let him get away with it.”  Jim was done with ‘what ifs’.  They had been speculating all night and been wrong… so, so wrong.  Because he had been wrong so many innocent colonists had to die.

“Jane?”

“He just murdered half the colony, thousands of innocent lives!”

He remembered the cry that cut through the night sky.  Jim doubt he would ever forget that scream for as long as he lived. 

He remembered Aiko, the normally quiet little girl, the one who was the most grown up, level headed of their group.    He remembered how she had tried to run before Tsuneha had grabbed her, wrapped her tightly into his arms.  He watched as she turned around and collapsed into her brother’s chest.   Her muffled cries pierced the night sky.  She wouldn’t be the only one.

For Aiko, for Kevin, for anyone else that lost someone to Kodos’ brutal act, Jim was going to fight.  He was going to fight for them.  

“Did you get through to Starfleet?”  He had asked.  He feared the answer, for he had a sickening, horrible feeling that he already knew the answer.

Eli had answered.  Jim barely heard half of it.  “They said they’ll be here as soon as possible.  That they didn’t know.  They should have suspected when Kodos stopped contacting them.”

Array of excuses… something that grownups always resorted to.

Kodos had lied.

 _God._  

He had lied and murdered four thousand people.  Four thousand people had died for no reason at all. 

He had lied.

He was going to pay.

The rest of the time, he spent planning their attack with his friends and comrades.  They estimated there should only be ten soldiers at most.   There had only been eight at the execution, but Jim wasn’t taking any chances.

However he knew Kodos couldn't have that many more.  He had only seen a handful in all the time he had been around Kodos. 

They could take on ten guards. 

They had to.

He had drawn a map of the mansion onto the cave walls.  He knew each hallway, each passageway, and where each door led to.  He knew the best hiding places.  He knew where all the ‘escape’ routes where.

Jim hoped it would be enough.

He knew where the ‘weapons’ room was.  Kodos had collected a wide assortment of swords and guns.  They were all locked behind glass cases.  Jim doubted Kodos would have left any of the guns behind, and he knew most of their band of ragtag army didn’t have the strength to wield much less carry any of the swords.  However, their plan still involved barricading the path to that room.

The rest of the plan involved the ballroom.  It was the largest room in the mansion.  Kodos had taught him how to dance there.  He had spent many hours in that room, alone with Kodos. 

He hated that room. 

It would be a fitting battleground.

 

************

 

Kodos’ mansion was dark when they arrived.  Jim made sure to take them around the arena.  He was afraid of what he would find.  He could still see the dying embers in the distance as they entered the mansion.

The front door wasn’t locked.   

Jim immediately realized how wrong he had been.  He had been so wrong.  They could have taken on ten guards, maybe even fifteen. 

Instead there were over fifty.

So what hope did their band of scrawny, starving and angry boys and girls have against an army?  What hope did a pile of rocks and mix-matched kitchen wear have against an army?

They were barely through the door when the blood bath started again, when the first little boy, he looked barely ten, fell.

They fought and fought. 

The screams, the battle cries, the sound of hard metal against hard metal…

Their only consolation was it seemed none of these guards were aimed with phasers or guns.  They seemed to have exchanged them for crude swords.

Most of all, they seemed to have been waiting for them as if they were expecting them.

Jim charged ahead in anger.

He swung his knife with a ferocity that he never thought he possessed.   All he wanted was revenge.  All he wanted to do was make these guards pay for what they had done.

He didn't know how long they had been fighting.

It could have been hours.  It could have been minutes when he felt someone grab his arm.  He nearly jerked away when he heard the familiar voice: Jack.

“Jane."  Jack pulled him back just as the soldier he was engaged in swung his sword down. 

“Jack!”  Jim cursed.  He tried to free his arm from his friend's grip.  “What the fuck!”

“Just saving your life.”  Jack quipped.

Jim rolled his eyes.  He pulled Jack back as the soldier swung down at them.  Jim blocked it deftly with his makeshift shield before pushing them backwards.  Another kid, whose name Jim didn’t know, rushed the soldier giving them a few precious seconds.  “Now we’re even.”

“No.”

“No?”

Jack set his hand on Jim’s shoulder.  “It’s not your fault…”  Jack smiled at him.   That cryptic smile Sam used to give him. 

Jim felt his heart clench.  He felt Jack’s grip loosen.  Before he could say anything… before he could stop him, Jack was gone.  He disappeared into the sea of swords and blood and screams.

Before he could follow after Jack, to demand what he meant.  That all too familiar voice, the one Jim knew he would never forget, echoed through the ballroom.  “Enough!”

The fighting immediately stopped.  All heads turned towards the source.  Even Jim, even Jim froze.  He tried to force himself to move.  This was the perfect opportunity.  All he needed to do was find Kodos.   If he could find Kodos, he could end it.

But his body betrayed him.  His muscles didn’t want to move.

He watched as Kodos stepped forward, out of the darkness.  He watched him reach the center of the ballroom, where the sun and moon had been etched into the floor pattern, the exact same place that Kodos had taught him to dance so long ago.

Kodos spun around the room, landing on each and every one of their faces. 

“My poor little children, so full of spirit, life… bent on revenge.”  Kodos continued.  He looked at Jim with those eyes… those eyes Jim doubt he would ever forget.  “Are you angry because of what we did?”  Kodos took a long sigh.  “I did it so we could survive, so your lives wouldn’t be wasted.    You’re so young, so naïve.  You don’t understand the world yet.”

Jim wanted to scream that it was wrong.  That it wasn’t true, but like his legs, his mouth similarly refused to move.  No sound left his lips.

Kodos raised his hands before clapping them together.  “I will make you a bargain,” Kodos continued.  “You are all valiant, brave fighters.  You have shown that I wasn’t wrong.  That you truly are the superior half.”

Jim wanted to scream.  That Kodos was wrong.  What right did he have to judge?  What right did he have to decide who was more worthy?

“If your leader surrenders, I will free the others.  I will let you leave my mansion and return to your homes.”

Jim wanted to cry out, to warn his friends.  That Kodos couldn’t to be trusted, but still his mouth refused to cooperate.  He heard the closest child let out a sob.  It was a little boy.  He looked barely a year older than Kevin.   His head was bleeding.  He looked ready to topple over. 

Another child, a little girl, she was a little older.  He heard her whisper that she just wanted her mommy.   She just wanted to go home.  That she didn’t want to fight anymore.

He wondered if Kodos heard. 

“As for your leader,” Kodos continued.  “I will be merciful.  You have my word.”

Jim took a deep breath.

_No, he couldn’t._

He knew it was a bad idea.  That Kodos could never be merciful.  If he was, he wouldn’t have blindly murdered four thousand colonists.  He wouldn’t have lied.  He would have contacted Starfleet.

But then there was his army, the thirty who believed in his plan.  The thirty who had joined him in his revenge. 

He couldn’t save the four thousand.

But he could.  He could save them.

For the little boy, for the little girl, and for the small number that were still alive, he was going to do it.  He was going to give himself up. 

It wasn’t like he could hide.  Of course, Kodos knew it was him.

Even as he took that breath, his voice felt like lead.  He trembled slightly.  His legs wavered. 

 _Damn it Jim.  Stop it!_ He cursed to himself. 

It was his fault.  His fault this had to happen… he had to take responsibility.  He had to face Kodos.

He trembled again.  His heart pulsated fiercely.

“I am the leader.”  A boy’s voice broke though.  Jim recognized that voice. 

_Jack!_

Jack stepped forward.  He watched as the soldiers parted, so he could step forward.  He barely took ten steps before he was facing Kodos.

Jim wanted to scream.

This wasn’t right.  It shouldn’t… it shouldn’t be Jack.  It should be him, but his body betrayed him.  He sank to the floor...

“You?”  Jim detected the astonishment in Kodos’ voice. 

“Yes, I led them here.”  Jack answered firmly.

“Only you?” Kodos pressed.   “You know lying is wrong.  Lying is bad.”

Jim opened his mouth to protest.  He tried to pick himself up, but his feet and arms refused to move.  His throat refused to yield.  His hands shook harder.

“Only me,” Jack nodded.

Kodos stared at him, then he smiled that sickening smile that Jim recognized all too well.  Once he took comfort in it.    “Well then, that settles that.”

He clapped his hands together before stepping forward, closing the distance between them.  He scanned the room and locked his eyes on Jim for a moment.  It was so quick that Jim thought he had imagined the disappointment in his eyes.

He couldn’t reveal himself now.  Not with how close Kodos was to Jack.

Then it happened: faster than Jim could blink, faster than he could do anything.

Jack's body stumped forward.  The tip of the blade protruded out of Jack’s back before Kodos drew it out.  Jack fell forward on his knees.  He coughed out a mouthful of blood.    

Jim's eyes widened.  He was too numb to scream, too shocked to cry.  All he could do was sit there on the floor, looking at Jack. 

Kodos let out a sneer.  He kicked Jack, so that he toppled over, so that his face was turned towards Jim.  So that Jim could see as the life left his friend’s face.

Kodos wiped his sword on Jack’s shirt before returning it to the sheath attached to his side. 

“I told you not to lie, boy.”  Kodos responded contemptuously before looking up.  "Take the rest away.” 

And the nine that were still alive didn’t try to fight.

 

************

 

Jim didn't know how long he spent in that dark chamber with the metal door.   Had it been a week, a day, a month, or just a couple of hours? 

He didn’t know. 

All he could think about in that dark cell were Jack’s last words. 

He dreamt of Jack’s glossy eyes lying on that cold hard ballroom.  He dreamt of that moment when Kodos plunged that sword through his body. 

He dreamt of Ms. Kimura dying in his arms… telling him not to forget.

He dreamt of a thousand and one bloodied bodies… screaming… crawling towards him.  A thousand and one faceless bodies, covered in blood asking why he didn’t save them. 

Why…

Why…

Why…

He dreamt of Kevin Riley and a hundred more nameless and faceless children asking for their mommies and daddies. 

He spent those days, those weeks, those months; however long, he sat in that cell in a state of half sleep, half consciousness.  Wondering when it would be his time.  Drowning in the fact that it was his fault.   That he deserved this and more. 

That it should have been him and not Jack at the end of that sword.  Wondering if he had stepped forward would Kodos have killed him too?   Would Kodos have kept his promise.

Eventually the cell door opened.  He blinked from the bright light that filtered from the door.  He could make out a human figure blanketed in bright light.  He squinted, unused to the light.  

"Jane, oh Jane.”

He backed up at that voice.  The voice that he would never forget.  The voice that had ordered the massacre.  The voice that promised mercy but instead killed Jack.

Kodos stepped forward, till they were centimeters from each other.  They were so close that Jim could hear the beating of his heart.  He could feel his breath.  He could smell his scent.

Kodos ran his fingers through his cheeks and then through his long flowing blonde curls.  He grabbed a handful and brought it up to his nose before taking a long sniff.  Jim flinched.  He hoped it smelt as awful as he felt.   However, whether or not it did, Kodos didn’t show it on his face.  He dropped Jim’s long curls before placing a hand under Jim’s chin and jolted it upwards so that Jim could see Kodos’ sickening smile.

"God, you are so beautiful my little blue eyes."

He cupped his face with his hands.

Jim glared back at him with as much hatred as he could muster at that moment.  He didn’t care anymore. 

He didn’t have any reason to care. 

“Are you angry with me?  Are you angry for what I’ve done?”

“You said you would be merciful,” Jim spat out. 

Kodos laughed.  He wiped away the spit that landed on his face.

“I was my little blue eyes.  I gave him a quick death.  Some would say that is most merciful way to die.”

Jim bit his lips.

Kodos ran a finger over it.  “Now, now don’t do that,” he chided. 

He followed Kodos' fingers.  They worked their way down the front of his body.  Jim's eyes widened as Kodos' hand went lower and lower. He ran his fingers over his tiny breasts.  Jim felt himself flinch when Kodos' pinched his right nipple through his thin undergarment.  It sent a spike of emotions through his body that he had never felt before.  

He pushed backwards.  The force sent Kodos backwards in the opposite direction.  Jim was surprised he still had so much strength left.  

Kodos’ eyes hardened, like Frank's.

“You really are a stubborn little one aren’t you, my little blue eyes?”  Kodos muttered.  He shook his head regretfully.

"You have been naughty though.  You’ve been bad.  Didn’t I tell you, lying is bad?”  Kodos asked.  He stepped forward and tapped Jim’s nose.  Jim wanted to bite him, kick him, do a thousand and one other things to him, all of which he didn’t do.  “You let that poor boy take the fall.  Let him die thinking…”  Kodos trailed off.  His smile became sicker and sicker, as if he knew.  As if he could see into Jim’s soul and see all the transgressions he had ever committed.  That he was alive, and Jack wasn’t.  That he was alive, and Kevin’s parents weren’t.  That he was alive, and Ms. Kimura wasn’t.  That he was alive, and four thousand who were so much more worthy than he could ever be weren’t.   Most of all, he was alive, and his dad wasn’t.

Jim flinched.  He couldn’t help it.  Kodos' words were true.  He might as well have plunged that sword into Jack himself.

Kodos’ smile widened.  It was a cold, dangerous smile. 

Jim backed away further.  He felt the cold, hard wall hit his back.  It was as far away as he could get from Kodos, and it still wasn’t enough.  It would never be enough.

"Let me tell you a story."

He didn’t want to hear any stories. 

"Let me tell you a story about a Starfleet lieutenant commander who was the captain of a star ship for twelve minutes and saved eight hundred lives."

Jim's eyes widened.  He knew that story.  He had being living through the fallout of that day since the moment he was born.  "I don't want to hear it."

"But it's such a great story.  A man sacrifices himself so that eight hundred others can live and as result he's heralded as a hero throughout the universe.  Isn’t that a beautiful way to die?  Hmm?”

Jim looked away as Kodos closed the distance between them.  Kodos ran his fingers through Jim's cheeks.  He rubbed at a patch of dirt on his face.  "It's okay, child.  It’s okay.  I understand.  You think that man is stupid and selfish.  Don’t you? That he should have tried harder to survive instead of dying to save eight hundred nameless people who probably don’t understand the ramifications of what he did.  How it affected those… closest to him."

Jim bit his lips. He refused to look Kodos in the eyes because he couldn’t know.  He couldn’t know who he really was.  He couldn’t know about _that_ darkness in Jim’s heart.  The darkness that came from him loving and hating his dad.  He hated his dad for dying, for leaving him, for leaving his mother, and for leaving Sam.  He hated the man who he would never meet because he cared more about his crew than for his own wife and children.

"It’s really humanity’s greatest flaw for a man who is destined for greatness, born of superior breed, to squander that potential by saving the inferior.”  Kodos paused.  He looked at him.  “He’s no hero.”  He stated dryly.

"My dad is a hero," Jim blurted out.  It was the first time he had ever said those words after spending years hating and loving the man.  His eyes widened when he realized his mistake.

Kodos smiled.  His grip tightened.  "Oh, I know.  I've known since the day you arrived.  Together, we will make that perfect world… James Kirk."  

"The Federation won't let you get away with it,” Jim spat out.

Kodos laughed.  The last thing Jim saw was Kodos laughing. 

The last thing he heard was Kodos saying “I’m afraid, Jim Kirk you really don’t have much of a choice.” 

_Fuck._

He didn’t see the hypo spray that Kodos had injected him with until it was too late.


	12. Chapter 12

It was almost six months to the day since she had arrived on Pallus.  Pallus was beautiful.  Pallus was quiet.   Pallus was paradise.  

The grass never smelt or looked more purple.  The weather was always pleasant.  The suns of Pallus made the planet warm and inviting.

She should be happy here.  

It was perfect.  

It was utopia.    

She was treated nicely by her servants despite protesting that she didn't need them.  The complaints always fell to deaf ears, so she stopped after the first month.  They draped her in silken gowns and adorned her body with gold and silver.  They loved to paint her hands and feet with intricate designs.

The villagers in the sleepy town of Shankar that overlooked her new home were all pleasant and friendly towards her the few times she had gone into town.  Shankar like the rest of Pallus was beautiful. It was filled with buildings of reddish gold walls and blue tiles.  

She sighed as she leaned against the balcony overlooking Lake Veracity.  It glistened in the moonlight beneath the willow trees.  She could make out the water nymphs dancing on top of the water.  They were celebrating the coming of the season of love and fertility after a long and cold winter.  

Everyone was busy preparing for the week-long spring equinox festival that culminated with...

She shook her head, trying to clear _that_ thought from her mind.  Just thinking about it made her heart race.

She clenched her hands over her breast and backed away.  

_God..._

She had to get out of here.  Her body suddenly felt hot.  She could feel her heart pounding, thumping against her chest as if it was trying to escape.  

"Stop it.  Stop it," she chattered to herself.

Although she couldn’t remember it ever holding so many, in fact she had never even  seen him hold court before.

She noticed the decorations that were starting to appear for the festival.  They hadn’t been there the last time she was here.  She had wanted to help, to be useful, but no one let her.

A few guards, there were always a few guards around, bowed to her as she walked past.  She looked away, trailing behind her lady-in-waiting.  She was led to the dais where the king was waiting on his grand throne.  The queen’s chair was empty, like always.  She decidedly didn’t look at that.    

The king kindly smiled at her.

She pursed her lips together.  

She didn’t bow back.

“M’lady,” the king said, gesturing her forward.  Her lady-in-waiting pushed her forward.  She stumbled.  A small blush appeared on her face.  She looked at her worriedly, but she rolled her eyes before mouthing a small “it is okay.”  The other immediately looked relieved before backing away.  She slipped through a partition.

She wished she wouldn’t leave.  She hated being alone with the king, or as alone as she could be with him.

She stepped forward.

She felt like she was drowning.  She gasped out.  She collapsed onto the ground.  She clenched her legs close to her chest.  Taking deep breaths until the feeling finally dissipated.  

She stood up.  She grabbed her robe before slipping out of her chambers.  She made it to her garden without passing anyone, and that was okay with her.  She rather not meet anyone, especially this late.

The garden was her sanctuary.  It was _his gift_ to her.  

She shook her head.  No, she didn’t want to think about that now.

The garden was beautiful. A multitude of different trees and flowers from all around Pallus was growing here.  In the center was an artificial pond where she had raised a school of rainbow fish.  She kicked off her saddles and slipped her toes into the water.  She smiled as her fish swam closer, tickling her toes.

She leaned back, looking up at the stars.  They were so bright and so far away.  They tug at her heart, as if she was forgetting something.

"M’lady.”  A voice called out behind her.

She whipped her head around.  Her bracelets jiggled to the motion.

Her lady-in-waiting, who was only a few years older than she was with long curly hair and deep green eyes, stepped forward.  She bowed her head so deeply that it almost touched the ground.

That was something else she hadn't gotten used to.

"His majesty requests your presence, m'lady."  The young woman spoke softly.  Her voice sounded like chimes.  

_His majesty..._

She was tempted to correct her.   Kings don’t make requests.  She held her tongue though.  

She turned back around.  Her ankle bracelets jiggled as she set her feet back into the pond.  She heard her lady-in-waiting’s skirt rustling in the wind.  

She sighed.  

She tapped her big toe against the water a few more times before pulling it out of the water.  She knew that the other would never reprimand her.  She slipped on her sandals before standing up.  She twisted the gold bangle around her wrist.

The other turned on her heels before quickly maneuvering through the trees and shrubbery .  She was directed to the throne room, the largest room in the complex.  It could hold thousands.  

The king of Pallus was an elder man, almost twice her age.  He possessed dark eyes and red hair.  It had thinned considerably since her arrival.  She found that she could never be comfortable around him.  There was an unnerving aura about him that she couldn’t describe.  There wasn’t any reason for it.  He always treated her well, showering her gifts, giving her almost full freedom in his palace, and never getting angry with her.  

She learned very quickly most were jealous of her role.

_Her role…_

He stood up of his throne, bowed slightly.  One hand at his side and another over his chest, it was the royal bow.    

She didn’t have to return it.  She could leave right now.  

He had told her that since day one, but since day one she had returned it.  

The king smiled as he raised his head.   “You didn’t come to dinner.”

“Wasn’t hungry,” she muttered, looking away.  

He hummed as if he understood.  

She knew she was trying him.  Soon he would stop.  He couldn’t keep this charade up for long.  However for now he had the patience of steel.

“You wanted to see me?”  

“Yes, I wanted to wish you a good night.”

She nodded.  She chose not to repeat the words back.   “Is that everything then?”

If he won’t ask her, she won’t say it.  She turned on the balls of her feet.

"Walk with me," he said with a smile on his face.  The one that looked so kind, but she couldn't accept it.  There was a feeling in the back of her mind.  One she couldn’t describe or figure out, because every time she did think about it.  There was always this buzzing noise that followed.  The one that made her head hurt, and her heartbeat speed up.

She nodded even though she had learned a long time that he wasn't asking for it.  She was just expected to follow, so really the whole agreement they had was a little ridiculous.

He stepped down from the dais, and she followed a step behind.  He waited for her at the door.  They stepped through it together.

She didn't ask where they were going.  It was always the same.  From the corner of her eyes, she spotted a pair of guards trailing behind them.  They were never far away, but far enough that they couldn’t overhear their conversation.

They walked in silence for a long time.  The king with his hands behind his back, and she made sure to always be a step behind.

He led her to the courtyard.  The place they had danced together at night.  The moons of Pallus were almost perfect circles.  They only aligned perfectly in phase four times a year, on the spring and fall equinoxes and the summer and winter solstices.  

"It’s almost the season of love and fertility."

She nodded.  She knew where this conversation was heading.  

_The spring equinox festival..._

The real reason the festival was a week long.  It culminated with a night when couples longing for a child would go to the temple in the center of the village.  If blessed, a child would be born on the summer solstice festival the following year.  

It was one of the first things her tutors taught her.

She looked away, trying to remove the bitter taste from her mouth.

The king touched her arm.  She flinched.  She heard him sigh.  He removed his hand immediately before reaching for her chin.  He tilted it backwards before pushing her against the wall.  She bit down on her lips and looked into his dark grey eyes.

The ones she never trusted.

"Why do you still do that? Flinch at my touch, you can't flinch _that_ night…"

"I haven't said 'yes' yet.  I have a choice."

"Of course." He dropped his hand and backed away.  He bowed for show.  "Of course," he repeated.  "I eagerly await your answer then m’lady." He smiled that all too charming smile.

She chose not to say anything.

He tapped her nose.  "However, it isn't really a choice my little sparrow.  Not really.  Nobody actually says no. Remember that."  He smiled again. "It's late.  You should go to sleep.  In two days’ time, the first day of the festival starts.  We’ll dance and feast to your answer just like the first night.”

She left him there without a word.

That was why she couldn't like this place.

 

***********

 

The next two days, she spent in the village.  She was still too angry, too confused.  She had a choice.  He had given her a choice.  She didn't have to carry his young.  However she also knew what it meant if she did say 'no'.  In the best case, he would turn her away... banish her away from the castle.

The castle and the village was all she knew about Pallus.  She couldn't remember anything about herself.  Every single time she tried to remember, her mind felt like it was going to explode into a thousand pieces.  Like her brain was a grenade just waiting to explode.

_Who was she?_

_How did she get here?_

_Was there someone out there waiting for her?  Looking for her?_

They said they found her in a crashed shuttle deep in the forest.  That she had been the only survivor.  The palace healers said it was only temporary amnesia, and her memory would come back.  It had been six months now.

She had been presented to the king after her wounds healed.  He threw a glorious celebration for her.  They danced for hours in the grand ballroom in the presence of thousands.

That night after the final dance, he had presented her with a lotus flower with six petals.  At the time she had foolishly taken it.  

It was only later that she learnt what it meant.  

On Pallus, a man gives a woman a lotus flower to convey his desire for marriage.  The number of petals symbolizes the number of months she had to decide before the bonding ceremony.

She had unknowingly become his courtesan, his intended that day.  

And she hated him for it, for tricking her into accepting.

He called her his little sparrow, the most prized bird after the mythical phoenix in all of Pallus.  

 

***********

 

She had been helping the village woman string together ribbons and beads to decorate the high temple when one asked her to go gather some berries from the fields in the outskirts.  She had never left the village before.

She hesitated.  

The girl beside her laughed.  “I’ll come with you.”  She jumped off the ledge and grabbed her wrist.  There was a large smile on her face.  She was pulled off balance.  She stumbled forward.  The girl laughed before handing her an empty basket.

She took it and followed.  

The girl took her out into the country.  It was a sea of purple like everything else in Pallus.  It was the first time she had come out here.

She followed the village girl whose name she didn’t even know though trees and rivers and past the boulders that all looked the same.  

That same white washed grainy look...  

It wasn’t right.  This wasn’t right…

She felt her heart rate surge.

She was going to have an attack.

The village girl seemed to be saying something to her, but she couldn’t hear what it was.  Her mouth was opening, but no sound came out of it.

This isn’t right…

Something isn’t right…

 

***********

 

She woke up in a dark, damp room.  It wasn’t her room.  It wasn’t her bed.  There was a ray of sunlight that leaked through the window.  Her head was still pounding.

She blinked.  Her eyes came more into focus.  She tried to sit up.  

“Careful,” a male voice stated.  It belonged to middle age man.  He had dark brown eyes and similarly dark brown hair.  He looked like it didn’t belong here.  He was more in focus than the girl, which was strange and wrong.  Those thoughts made her head hurt more.  “Drink,” he said.  He placed a bowl of warm liquid under her lips.  It smelt good.  She looked up at him.  He nodded his head. She sipped it.  There wasn’t much taste to the soup.  She didn’t realize just how hungry she was until she finished it.

They all looked at her with such kind eyes.  She spied a little boy in the corner.  A little girl behind an elder man…

She hadn’t realized they were there earlier.  

The little girl bounced on her feet, hesitantly.  It drew her attention.  She looked between her and the elder man.  She wondered if she should say something, when the elder man spoke up.

“Princess…”

She didn’t correct the man.  She wasn’t a princess.

“My granddaughter wants to give you a gift.”

She looked at the little girl kindly.  The little girl smiled at her shyly.  She waved.  The little girl stepped forward.  She stumbled a little before reaching her.  She held up her clasped hands.  She tilted her head, confused.  The little girl opened up her hands, inside was a beautiful flower.

“My granddaughter thinks your eyes are like …”      

He was interrupted by a loud pounding at the door.  The flower fell from the little girl’s hands.  She noticed the tremble.  Her eyes widened.  She looked afraid.  As did everyone in the room…

“Stay here,” the elder man stated to her and the village girl before stepping out of the door.  The rest of his family, she guessed they were his family now, followed.  The door closed quickly behind them.  She looked at her companion.  There was a worried look on her face.  

She could hear angry voices outside.  They sounded familiar.  She pushed back the covers and slipped from the bed before the other could protest.

She walked to the window...

_Smack!_

The elder man fell to the ground.

She turned on her heels.  The village girl grabbed her arm.  

“Let go,” she gritted out.  The girl shook her head.  She tightened her grip on her wrist.

The guards, the king’s guards, sneered at the man.  He kicked him again.  

“We’ll be back in one week,” the guard spoke.

She watched as the guards mounted their horses and disappeared.  Only then did the girl let go of her wrist.

“Why did you stop me?”

“There isn’t anything you can do, not how you are,” she said easily.  Her grip loosened.  She looked at her once. “Come on.  Let’s go back.”

_There’s isn’t anything you can do, not how you are…_

She looked at her wrist then at the fields of purple that surrounded them.  She looked at the small family standing outside their home, the family that had helped her when she fainted.   She looked at the girl and realized just how thin she was.  How her bones had dug into her skin when she held her wrist.

At that moment, she decided…

She would agree.

She would for the children, the villagers, the farmers, the ones whose words the king refused to listen to.

She would agree for them.

Then she could do something.  She wouldn’t be how she is now.

So when he asked her again that night…

She said ‘yes’.  When she said ‘yes’, she didn’t see his face, but the face of hundreds who she could make a difference for.

 

***********

 

On the last night of the festival, the day of the vernal equinox, her servants dressed her in a long translucent silver gown that acted like a veil for the intricate phoenix painting that the palace artisans had painted onto her body.  It had been specially commissioned by the king.

The man she was betrothed to.

The man whose heir she would carry after tonight.

Its body lapped around hers to the backdrop of the starry night sky.  She knew the king would have a similar design on his body: a dragon.  

The dragon and the phoenix...

"M'lady," her lady-in-waiting muttered.

She looked up.  

"Does something displease you?"

She shook her hand.  She feigned a smile.

"The king will be gentle," she spoke wisely as if she knew.  

She opened her mouth.  She wanted to ask.  There were a thousand things she wanted to ask.  

However the moment disappeared when her lady-in-waiting slipped on her slippers.

 

***********

 

It was a small room.  A room made of bamboo walls and floors, on the floor was a tatami mat.  Her tutor had explained to her that was where she was to lie for the king.

There was a lone candle hanging down from the ceiling.

She took a deep breath to steel her resolve…

She laid down, staring up at that light source.  Her heart rate picked up.

She heard him enter the room.  She heard the rustling of his clothes as they dropped to the floor.

He saw his eyes.  That was the first thing she saw.  

A pair of deep grey eyes...

He leaned down.  He creased her cheeks.  "Don't cry."  

He wiped away a tear.

He sounded so gentle like always…

He lowered himself down over her.  She felt his bare thighs part her legs.  She took a deep breath as she felt his heat.

"So beautiful my little blue eyes,” the words slipped from his lips.  

Her eyes widened.  She pushed backwards.  

Those words… someone… she couldn’t remember who.  That name burned in her head.  She watched as his eyes widened.  Those dark eyes…

They seemed so familiar.

Her head started to burn. Her breath quickened.

She realized this was wrong.  All of it was wrong.

An image flashed through her mind.

A river of … blood

The voices...

The screams… 

Kevin...

Tom and Joan…

Ms. Kimura...

Jack...

Kodos...

Blues eyes snapped open.


	13. Chapter 13

He was in a dark room, on a cold hard bed. There was shackles on his wrist and ankles. There was a leather bands around his neck and his hip. There was a ever constant dripping sound in the corner of his ear, like an itch that he couldn’t scratch.

This was reality.

Not Pallus...

He wasn't a courtesan...

He wasn't a girl...

He was Jim... Jim Kirk, and Kodos...

Kodos knew that.

He whispered those words every day, every time he was awake in case he forgot. In case he fell into that world again.

Those people weren’t real. Those people he agreed to save.

They were in his mind.

A game Kodos made him play.

He became accustomed to the darkness, the forever darkness, to the sounds and shapes in the room.

Time and space stopped meaning anything to Jim after a while. For a while even Kodos, humanity, life, and the world stopped meaning anything. He stopped feeling hungry, thirsty, tired…

He stopped hating. He stopped fearing. But he never stopped caring.

He dreamt of that night and the day after. He dreamt of the rivers of blood. The silent screams…

He dreamt of Jack’s ghostly eyes.

Ms. Kimura’s last words…

His promise to Kevin…

He awoke for those dreams.

He woke from those dreams to darkness, to silence, to the cold. His throat raw. His abdomen aching...

 

*************

 

Then it changed…

Maybe days, years or just minutes had past.

“You’re a stubborn child, James.”

He recognized Kodos’ voice. That voice that had condemned half a colony to death. Jim clenched his fist. He tried to move his neck to locate Kodos in that dark room.

“Such a fighter, such a fighter.”

He sounded closer this time. Like he was just centimeters from his left ear. He tried twisting his neck, but the straps wouldn’t bulge.

“It’s easier if you don’t fight James. So much easier. This could have been so much less painful. Like your friends…”

He stiffened then. He had forgotten. He couldn't believe he had forgotten, the eight other children who had survived, who had gone on that foolhardy revenge quest with him.

“Did you forget about them already James? Tsk, tsk. I thought you were better than that.” Kodos muttered.

“But then again they failed you, didn’t they? Your little rebellion… So quaint. They fought for you. Died for you and they don’t even know who you are? That doesn’t seem very fair does it? Your little charade… Your little gift… Well James…” Kodos chuckled. Jim could feel him next to him. He felt like he could reach out and touch him.

“Do you hate that name, James? Is that why you went by Jane? Well, it’s okay. It’s okay because I’m a merciful man.”

Jim felt sick. Kodos had said that once. Was it two days ago? A year ago? A lifetime ago? He didn’t know.

Jack…

Jack getting stabbed. Jack dying for him…

Jack who thought he was a girl…

Jack who died without knowing who he really was…

Kodos was right.

Kodos was right.

He had lied.

He had betrayed them.

His head felt like it was exploding.

His heart raced.

He felt like throwing up.

He thought he saw Kodos’ pearly whites twinkling before all he saw was darkness.

 

*************

 

The next time he awoke it was to the sensation of cold water against his hot skin. He felt so hot like when he was a little and was prone to running high fevers.

For a second he thought he was back in Riverside. On the old Kirk farm, in his bedroom with the slanted ceiling, and his starship mobile rotating above him. He cracked open an eyelid and found a female form leaning over him. She had the prettiest long, wavy hair that pooled around her shoulders.

He tried to open his lips to call to her.

To his mother…

He wanted to cry.

That it had all been a bad dream. That he was finally waking up from a long dream. That everything that had happened to him couldn’t have happened. That the Federation, that Starfleet would have stopped them.

He was in his bed.

That it was his mother who running the cold sponge over his hot skin.

But then he remembered.

That wasn’t his life.

It couldn’t be his mother because she had never been there when he was sick.

It couldn’t be because his life was never that easy.

He wasn’t in Riverside.

He was here…

Wherever here was…

And whoever she was..

Whyever she was here…

Jim opened his mouth, his chapped, dry lips… he tried. He tried to form the words ‘run’. Instead only a small, tiny gush of air escaped his lips.

She was there many times afterwards. The angel in the light as Jim would come to know her as.

Jim would strain to tell her to run. To save her. That he wasn’t worth it. That he wasn’t worth saving. That he deserved all this.

 

*************

 

Then one day Jim awoke. His head didn’t hurt anymore. His throat didn’t feel as dry. His head didn’t feel like it was about to explode into a thousand little pieces.

Most of all the room wasn’t dark anymore. He noticed immediately he wasn’t in a cell anymore.

And he wasn’t alone.

In the corner of the room, Kodos was smiling at him. He was sitting in a wooden chair. His legs and arms were crossed. There was a sick smile on his face.

All he wanted to do was ripe that smile away.

As Jim shifted his weight, the restraints cut into his arms. He struggled harder. Kodos smiled. He stood up and crossed the room lazily, until he was mere centimeters from him. “Good morning my little sleeping beauty..”

“Kodos.”

“That’s Governor Kodos,” Kodos reprimanded. He shook his head. “Now now. This savagely is most unbecoming for a little lady.” He smiled so widely that it sent a chill down Jim’s spine. It stopped from struggling momentarily.

“You should thank me, James. Or … More appropriately Jane.”

“What did …”

“What did I do? I helped you child. I told you I was merciful.” He stepped around to the base of the bed. He reached for a large mirror, smiled at him one more time before aiming it downwards.

Jim’s eyes widened at the view he saw.

“Now you never lied to your friends, little Jane.” Kodos smile widened. “You’ll be the mother of a supreme breed of children, our children… a whole host of children.”

“No!” Jim shouted. He lunged forward, for he no longer cared about the pain on the straps digging into his arms. “You monster! You’ll never get away with this.”

And Kodos… Kodos just laughed…

“My silly little blue eyes, but I already have.” Kodos grabbed his arm. Jim snarled, twisting it, turning it to break free from Kodos’ grasp.

“My sweet child, “ Kodos muttered. He tightened his grip. “If you keep doing that…” He squeezed even harder. “You’ll… “

Jim screamed at the sound of cracking bones.

“Break it.” Kodos finished. He let go of his now limp arm.

He blacked out to the image of Kodos smiling down at him with that smile of his. A hypo was in his hand.

He hadn’t even felt it.

 

*************

 

The next time Jim awoke, Kodos was sitting next to his bed. He was reading one of his paper bound books. He looked down at his arm. It didn’t hurt anymore.

“Are you going to be a good boy… Oops… I mean girl now.” Kodos’ smile widened. “Or do we need to break some more bones?”

“You monster!”

“Monster, genius… They called Frankenstein a monster. You know that?” Kodos placed his hand on his leg.

As Jim lifted it, Kodos wrapped his hand around his leg. “Now now sweet child. Do you really want to do that, hmm?”

Jim lowered his leg, and Kodos loosened his grip. “Good. I knew you were smart. I know you think what I did was wrong. How can I be merciful? Right?”

Jim didn’t respond.

Kodos’ smile faded for a moment. “Stubborn aren’t you? Well, I guess it’ll go faster. What are you wondering about? Why I ordered half the colony to be murdered? Why I hid from you that the food situation hadn’t gotten better? Or why I told you of my plans that night?”

Jim’s eyes widened. He looked at Kodos. He really looked at him. He looked at the book Kodos was reading, a book about the Nazi regime.

“You monster!” He screamed.

Kodos laughed. Jim lunged forward. He shook his restraints. “Monster! Monster!”

“I said … No…” Kodos looked at him before tightening his grip. “Kicking,” he finished with the sound of bone cracking. Jim screamed. He screamed from pain and anger.

It was followed by blackness.

 

*************

 

“Let’s try this again, hmm?” Kodos smiled. He rested his hand on his hip. “Or do we need to break more bones?”

Jim glared at him. Unlike the last time, his leg still hurt.

“Now, now why so angry?”

“Where were we? Oh yes. The whys… The whys of it all. Which why should we go through today? Hmm?” Kodos tapped his hip. “Why Jack? Why … you? Would you like to know that? Why I removed your little boy parts?”  
Kodos asked.

Jim glared back.

“I think you do want to know.”

Kodos sighed. “You really hate me don’t you? I only want what is good for you, sweet child. Your body is confused. Even the great Jim Kirk can’t sustain two identities. That is why you failed. Why you failed to save all those people.”

“Why you failed to save your friends. All those little kids in that cave.”

Jim’s eyes widened. He jolted forward and thrashed his arms and legs.

He didn't care when he heard the crack of his hip. He didn’t care when Kodos sedated him again.

 

*************

 

He didn’t want to wake up.

Life and everything else was like a nightmare.

All those kids…

Kevin…

He had promised Kevin he would bring back his parents. In the end, he had been too scared to even tell him he was sorry.

His parents had welcomed him into their family. Been more loving, been more of a parent to him than his own mother had ever been.

“Oh Jane.”

Kodos’ voice…

He tried to will himself to sleep.

“I know you aren’t asleep. Did you know the human body is a wondrous and marvelous thing? It learns to adapt. Adaptation and mutation… Even now, you’re starting to adapt. You’re adapting into a young woman. And similarly, you’ll adapt to like me, child. For sweet child, we have all the time in the world.”


	14. Chapter 14

“Wake up.  Wake up.”  A voice shouted at him imploringly.  

He wanted to tell them to go away.  That he didn’t want to wake up.  That he felt like he had just woken up.   

“Wake up.”  The voice said again.

Jim groaned before snapping open his eyes.  A pair of hazel eyes greeted him.  It was the girl who had bathed him.  He hadn’t seen her in days.  He thought she finally did run away.

“Come on.”  She tugged on his arm.

He wanted to tell her he couldn’t go with her.  That the straps…

But as he raised his arm, the familiar resistance didn’t occur.  He looked down to find his wrists free, as were his ankles.

“Come on, we got to go.” She said again.

Jim looked up at her.  

He wanted to protest.  That he couldn’t go.  Even though he was free, he doubted Kodos would let him go so easily.

As he opened his mouth to protest…

She looked at him with those big hazel eyes.  “They can’t hurt us anymore.”

And then the alarms started…

The red flashing lights…

And Jim… at that moment Jim did something he hadn’t done in a long time.  He trusted.  He slipped out of the bed.  As he took his first step, he felt his balance waver.  The girl grabbed him around the waist.  Since she was much taller, he landed against her bosom.  He pushed back, embarrassed.  

She looked at him as he tried to take another step.  Once again, he fell forward.  His legs didn’t seem to want to work.  

“Come on.”  She swung his arm over her shoulder.

He wanted to protest… that he was too heavy, not worth it, but she looked at him with those large eyes again.  Eyes that immediately made him close his mouth.  They made it out of the room to a hallway filled with fire and smoke.

Jim looked over at the girl.  She wasn’t looking at him, but ahead.

A thousand questions ran through his head, but he knew now wasn’t the time to ask most of them.

But there was one he had to ask.  He had to know.

“What about the others?”

“What others?”  She asked.  She snapped her head towards him.

“My… friends.  There were... “ He strained his brain to remember.  “There was nine of us.  Nine of us that survived.”

She looked at him, confused.  “There’s only you… you and me.”

His heart soared.

Kodos had been lying.  He only wanted him.

Their pace was excruciatingly slow.

His legs burned with each step from disuse.

The alarms were blasting its loud sirens.

He was so sure they would be stopped at any moment.

Around corridors, and through narrow walkways that all looked the same…

He tried to remember their path, but after the tenth’s turn he was hopelessly lost.

At least it seemed like she wasn’t.

Finally, finally what felt like hours, Jim saw daylight.

“Stop!”

A guard…

They had been found.

Kodos was going to get them.  Kodos was going to punish them.  

“Run!”

And he did run…

His legs burned, but they didn’t falter even after she let him go.  

He heard the machine guns.  The soldiers who were carrying the guns…

The guns that had killed half of a colony.

“Can you swim?”

“What?”  Jim looked up at her.

“Can you swim or not?”  She demanded.

“Yes.”  Jim nodded.

She grabbed his arm and pulled him.  She pulled him into the air…

And then they fell…

They fell…

And fell…

For a long time… a long time.... Before plummeting into ice cold water.  He dove deep as a shower of bullets trailed after them.  He looked around.  He momentarily panicked, thinking that he had lost her before seeing her form up ahead.  She motioned for him, and he nodded.

That he understood.

They pulled themselves out from the riverbank many, many kilometers from their starting point.  Jim could barely make out the burning compound in the far distance.  

Most of all, Jim could tell they weren’t on Tarsus anymore.  The terrain was similar.  The desert expanse on all side, but this wasn’t planet Tarsus.  Jim would forever remember Tarsus.  It’s smell.  It’s sounds.  It’s cries as thousands of lives were vanquished within seconds.

This wasn’t Tarsus.

“Come on.” The girl broke him out of his thoughts.  The girl whose name he didn’t even know.  “There is a spaceport a few days walk away.  We can steal a shuttle there.”

“Steal?”

She laughed.  “Never stole anything?  This is the frontier.  The Federation doesn’t govern this hell hole.  I doubt they even want anything to do with this place,” she said bitterly.

Jim blinked.

“Think you’re so special?  That only your life sucks?  This ain’t paradise, kid.  This is a cruel harsh world, and you got do things to survive.”

“I know that,” Jim retorted back.

She laughed.  “You got spunk, kid.   No wonder they like you.”  

_ They… _

It wasn’t a ‘they’.  It was a ‘him’, Kodos.  She laughed again.   He hadn’t realized he had said his thoughts out aloud.  “You think one man could do what he did?  He was just one man with too much ideals.  The fuel for their plans, kid.”

He bit his lip.  She was wrong.  Kodos was evil.  He was capable of what he had done.  He saw him carry out that order without any remorse.  He watched his stab Jack after promising to be merciful.

“You don’t believe me.”  She shrugged her shoulders.  “Doesn’t matter.  Can you walk?”

Jim nodded.  He wasn’t going to slow them down anymore. 

“Good.  Now…”  She blinked, stopped before sticking out her hand.   “Joanna.”

“Huh?”

“My name, it’s Joanna.  You’re … Jane, right.”

“Yeah, Jane.”  He took her hand.  He was Jane now.  It would be better that way.  Jim had always gotten him in trouble, gotten everyone who knew him in trouble.  

 

***********

 

They made good pace the rest of the day.   At he hoped they did.  He didn’t know if Kodos’ men were still looking for them, but the way Joanna moved them, he was certain they were.  

They stopped at what he assumed was mid day.  The days felt longer here… Longer than on Earth and longer than on Tarsus.

It was also hotter here.  Even hotter than on Tarsus.

“We’re rest here till evening.  I’ll take first watch, you can take second.”

Jim nodded.  

He hadn’t realized how tired he had been.

“Here.”

He looked up as Joanna threw him a package.  He caught it.  It was a package of dried meat.  They don’t make meat like this anymore.  He looked up.  

“Never seen dried meat?”  Joanna asked. She took a bite, chewed it roughly with her molars.

Jim shook his head.

Joanna laughed.  “You got a lot to learn kid if you’re going to survive in the frontier.”

The meat tasted leather.  The same leather as his baseball glove…

Jim still swallowed every bite.

He then proceeded to throw it all back up.  

Joanna didn’t say anything as he felt his stomach acids climb back up.  As he coughed it out onto the desert sands.

The neverending sand that extended out beyond and behind them.  Jim wondered if the water source they had jumped into was the only water source on this planet.

She knelt down beside him as he felt the last of his stomach empty out in front of him.  “Here, drink it slowly,” Joanna landed him what looked like a bag made from the hide of an animal.  Jim look it gratefully.  

The water helped.  It smoothed his raw throat.  It calmed his now empty stomach.  He wiped his mouth afterwards.

“Sorry,” he muttered.

“Get some sleep.  We’ll have to find more water tomorrow, or we won’t make it.”  There wasn’t much bite to her words, but Jim understood.  He should have been more careful.  He shouldn’t have drank so much.

Jim nodded.  

 

***********

 

“Jane! Jane!”

Jim’s eyes snapped open.  His throat felt so raw.

He had been dreaming.

Dreaming of the sea of blood again.

“Damn it kid.  You’re going to give away our location like that.”  Joanna cursed.  However, there wasn’t as much edge in her voice as normal.  Instead she handed him their hide of water.  Jim looked at her.

She had basically told him how precious water was hours?… minutes?  He had lost track of time.  Now, again he was wasting it again.

“Drink it.  Your screaming and sweating probably dehydrated you enough.”

The tips of Jim’s ears turned red.  However he still drank the water.  He felt guilty as he felt their precious water slide down his throat.

“That bad?”

Jim put down the water.

“The dreams… The nightmares…”  Joanna clarified.

Jim tied the bag shut.  He didn’t want to talk about it.  He didn’t want anyone else to even start to imagine the horrors he had seen.

“They’ll go away.”

Jim looked up.

“Someday they’ll go away.”

She looked like she knew what she was talking about, but Jim didn’t want to ask.  He also wasn’t sure he wanted them to go away.

He didn’t want to forget.

But the next time he went to sleep, Jim decided was going to stuff a piece of cloth into his mouth to dampen the sounds.

He wasn’t going to scream.

He wasn’t going to burden her anymore.

“Come on.  It’s time we left anyways.”  Joanna stood up.  She patted her calves clean of the sand.

Jim nodded.  He stood up.  His legs burned.  His hip had started to bug him again.  The same hip that Kodos had broken.  Just that thought was enough to get him moving.  

He wasn’t going back.  

He couldn’t go back.  

He didn’t want to go back there.


	15. Chapter 15

Jim realized quickly that Joanna was highly skilled in desert survival. It was almost as if the desert was her playground, her oasis, her home.

She easily found water in a sea of sand and more sand.

She taught him how to identify poisonous plants from their nonpoisonous doppelgangers. She taught him to trap reptiles and small rodents.

She walked through the sand with an ease that Jim didn’t have.

Unlike Jim, when she walked, she didn't sink with each step. It was like she was floating on air.

Like an angel...

But she was also hard on him.

Joanna didn't take ‘no’, ‘can’t’ or any other negative word that Jim could come up with.

She pushed him through the pain.

It was that and the thought of going back to Kodos that kept Jim going.

That night, Jim ate insects for the first time.

He remembered the first bite.

They didn’t taste like chicken, not even replicated chicken.

Joanna laughed when he said that.

It was the first time he heard her laugh. It sounded like bells.

Jim decided he liked the sound.

He decided then he wanted to make her laugh more in the future.

“There aren’t replicators out here, kid.”

 

***********

 

It felt like days, weeks, months and years had gone by. The endless sea of sand and more sand. Jim got better at tracking, hunting, and scouting. He learned to navigate using the stars. He learned how to walk on sand. He learned to survive.

He only wished he could have known this sooner. That he knew how to hunt earlier.

He stopped cringing when he ate bugs and lizards. He long forgot what chicken, cows, pigs, and fish taste like.

Joanna laughed when he told her that. That it felt like they had spent a lifetime out here.

She described to him the spaceport that they were traveling to. The only civilization out here.

It was a city built from decadence, greed and corruption. A place where the wealthy get wealthier, and the poor get poorer.

It’s the last frontier.

A planet the Federation would never want.

“You got to have what they want, kid,” Joanna smirked.

Jim wanted to ask. “Do we have what they want?”, but he bit his tongue instead.

 

***********

 

Then one evening, Jim woke by himself, not to Joanna shaking them awake.

She wasn’t leaning against the rock. Instead she was stumped over. Jim knew better than to call out to her. His voice carried in this oasis of nothingness.

He knelt beside her and gently sit his hand on her shoulder.

“Joanna, Joanna…”

She didn’t respond.

“Joanna.”

She was so hot to the touch that Jim felt like he had just burned his hand. He withdrew it quickly.

Something was wrong.

Maybe she ate something bad?

But Jim shook that thought from his head. In fact, as he thought about it, he realized Joanna hadn’t been eating as much.

They haven’t been moving as fast or as far lately. Jim thought he was just getting faster, but the stars and the landscape told him otherwise.

“Joanna.” He called again.

He shook her side.

Her eyes flickered open.

Jim let out a sigh.

“Hey, kid,” she smiled, that smile tha made a part of Jim’s heart flutter, and his stomach go into knots.

He pushed it aside. It was a feeling he didn’t understand.

“You finally woke up without me.”

“We got to go.” Jim stated urgently.

Joanna smiled again.

She never smiled this much.

Jim decided he wanted to keep that smile on her face.

“Can’t kid.” She stated, the finality of her words smack Jim hard in the gut. “This is the end of the line for me.” She grimaced. She cradled her abdomen. It was then Jim noticed the blood, the fresh and the old.

It was large.

It was wide.

It looked old.

“The city…”

She smiled. She laughed. She coughed.

“Sorry kid, I lied.”

Jim’s eyes widened.

“There is no city. No spaceport.”

“What? I… I don’t understand.”

“The last frontier, it dried up a long time ago. Stories and stuff…”

“Then…”

“There is a graveyard of old freighters.” She continued. “You got to get to it.” She pulled on a locket Jim had never noticed.  The linked snapped and slid into her hand.

She stuffed it into his hand.

Jim pushed back.

“No… Joanna. You can’t.”

“Kid, you’re going to make it.”  
Jim shook his head. Death and illness was his life for the last few months.

The cries…

The blood…

He wasn’t going to lose her too.

He was stronger now. He can feel his muscles growing.

He stood up. He bent down to wrap his arms around Joanna.

“W… What you doing?” She was fading.

“I’m not leaving you.”

She laughed again. “Stupid.” She tapped his forehead. “How far you going to get?”

“I ain’t.”

He didn’t want to cry, but he felt like he was.

“You are.” Her hazel eyes sparkled. “And you will. You’ll live. You'll grow, and you’ll remember.”

“I’ll find help. I'll come back for you.”

Joanna laughed. “Of course you will Jane.”

It had been a long time since she called him that. The first time in a long while anyone called him that. And it felt wrong coming from her lips.

“It’s Jim.”

She looked at him confused.

“My name, it’s actually Jim Kirk.” He hadn’t spoken that name in so long. It seemed so foreign after so long.

Joanna smiled. “That’s a good name.”

 

************

 

He stayed with her until she took her final breath.

Under the stars of the lonely planet, with a population of one, Jim buried another friend.

 

************

 

Like Joanna promised, Jim reached the graveyard of old freighters. The ghost city sprawled out in the distance. The skeleton of what had once been.

He spent the night in a broken building. He dreamt that Joanna would find him the next morning. That they would escape together.

Joanna didn’t show up the next morning, nor the next or the next.  
It took him what he guessed was three days, time felt strange here like it was just slipping away, before he got one of the freighters working again.

For once he was grateful that he had some experience with mechanics and old machinery.

But of course he knew all this was a waste of time. He would die here. Here in the graveyard of ships.

He had repaired the freighter back but without power, without fuel, he could never leave this place.

He was tempted to go back.

To Joanna...

It was then he opened Joanna’s gift.

He laughed when the tiny crystal fell into in his hand...

He did let out a barely audible sob when the engine roared to life.

He was leaving…

He was finally, finally leaving.

Leaving this planet whose name he didn’t know.

  
************

Space was dark and lonely and silent.

It was also beautiful and peaceful.  
He didn’t know how long he had been floating in the freighter, like space debris waiting for a passenger ship, freighter, something to come find him. He had run out of fuel…

Days, weeks, years ago.

He was cold and hungry…

It was a perpetual cycle for him now.

It gave him time to think.

And Jim decided thinking was bad. His mind would wander.

Wander to that night when Kodos murdered all those people. The night when the blood, the screams, the shooting and fire bombs went off.

It would wander to Jack’s final moments. To the moment he saw Jack stump forward. How the life left his eyes as Kodos drew that sword from his body.

Finally, finally to Joanna… the girl who had acted so strong, been so smart, so selfless just to help him escape.

His mind wandered to all these people. People who were all better than him. People who deserved to be alive.

Not him… Not him…

He was a freak. He was worthless, useless. He wasn’t anything. He didn’t deserve this life, this life that everyone was so intent on saving

He wasn’t worth it

He wasn’t.

He was bad for people. He was bad for anyone that got close to him.

He was bad for Jack.

He was bad for Joanna.

He didn’t deserved their friendship, their kindness.

He had killed them both.

 

************

 

And the light…

It was so bright, like a big burning ball of fire. He felt like he was flying to the sun.

“We got you kid.”

The warm embrace of a man in his thirties. He had warm blue eyes and dark brown hair.

“Hang in there, kid.” He whispered. “You’re safe now.”

Safe….


	16. Chapter 16

He screamed the first time they injected him with a hypo.  He tried to crawl their eyes out.  He knew he punched someone.  He heard the instruments come crashing down.   He heard the cursing that followed.

They tied him down.

He couldn't move.

He screamed.  He screamed and fought.  He felt the leather straps dig deep into his arms and legs.

He was back.

Kodos got him.

_Kodos…_

_Kodos…_

_No…_

_No…_

He couldn’t do this anymore.  He didn’t want to do this anymore.

“Damnit!  Can’t you tell she’s under a lot of stress.”

The words cut through his haze.

He saw color, swirls and swirls of color.

A swirl of greens, browns and golds...

_Joanna…_

_Joanna…_

He tried to call out to her, but his mouth wouldn’t obey.

_Joanna…_

_Joanna…_

The strap gave away.

“Breathe kid, breathe.”

He wanted to cry.

To be called kid again.

_Joanna…_

_Joanna was alive._

_She made it._

_Of course she did._

“Come on kid.”

He wanted to.  He tried to.  But he couldn’t.

His throat felt like it was tightening.  Like something had an iron grip around his neck.

“Damn it!”  

There was a flurry of movement.  He caught it on the side of his vision.  He felt a hypo decompressed into his shoulder blade.

He felt relief.  He gasped out.

His eyes snapped opened up.  He was greeted by a young man, with startling hazel eyes and thick black hair.  There was a deep scowl on his face that was quickly replaced by concern.

It wasn’t Joanna.

Not Joanna...

“We got you kid.  We got you.  Rest now.”

He didn’t want to rest.

He can’t rest.

_Joanna…_

He got to go back for her.

But his body felt so heavy.

So heavy…

 

************

 

He woke sometime later in a semi dark room.

_Kodos…_

_Kodos…_

He jerked forward.

Instead of straps or any other binding device, it was a different weight, a warm weight that pinned him down.  

He faltered for a second.

It was a person.

A young man…

The man that saved him…

The man with dark hair and hazel eyes…

He looked up.  His hair was ruffled.  

His eyes…

That miasma of greens, golds and browns spiraled around and around.

They snapped back to focus immediately.

“Hey, sorry about that.”

It wasn’t what Jim had expected.

He didn’t understand what the man, boy, Jim wasn’t sure which one he was, was saying.  

He looked young.  There was a layer of boyish charm to his face.  He was wearing a blue shirt.  The design was familiar.  It was then Jim’s eyes widened.  He hadn’t noticed it earlier, but now as he straightened up.  Jim noticed the insignia on his chest.  

He could recognize it anywhere.  He had lived in its shadow all his life.

_Starfleet…_

The boy, man, tapped his chest.  He let out a strained chuckle.  

Jim looked up.

“Guess everyone in the galaxy recognizes this.  You’re on the USS York.”

“The captain will want to speak to you,” the other continued.  “Want to know why you’re all the way out here in the Neutral Zone.”

_The neutral zone…_

How far had Kodos taken him?  How far had he drifted before they found him?

“But I’ll tell him you need more time.  You look like death.”

Jim knew he was joking, but Jim… Jim felt like it too.

He felt like he might as well be death.  That was all he had done.  Brought death to everything he knew…

_His dad…._

_The four thousand colonists on Tarsus…_

_Jack…_

_Joanna…_

“Sorry.”

Jim shook his head.  He didn’t have any reason to be sorry.  He wouldn’t be if he knew the things that Jim had done.

“Oh crap.  Mama will kill me if she knew.  I’m Leonard, Leonard McCoy.”

Jim was tempted to laugh.

_Leonard…_

It sounded like just an old person’s name.  Not at all fitting for the man in front of him.

“Yeah my mama and Pa like old names.”  He scratched the back of his neck.

_Mama and Pa…_

It sounded so archaic.

“What about you kid?”

Jim’s mind raced from such a simple question.  

_What was his name?_

_Was he Jane?_

_Or was he Jim?_

He opened his mouth…

“Hey Len.  Oh,” A voice saved him from having to answer.  It belonged to a young man.  He looked to be about the same age as Leonard.  

He hadn’t realized Starfleet recruited so young.

He whistled.  “I see sleeping beauty is awake and not feral.”

Jim decided he didn’t like the other.

“Alex,” Leonard, it still didn’t sound right, hissed.

“Sorry, sorry.  Alex Ryder. You did a number on the CMO.  You?”  He thrust his hand forward.

Jim looked at it, once then twice.  

Alex frowned.  He dropped his hand. “Whatever.  I’m going to get something to eat.  You want to come, Len?”

Jim wondered if Leonard, Len: he didn’t like that either; it didn’t suit him either, would leave.

Leonard looked at him once then turned his head back to Alex.  “Nah, I’m fine.  Thanks. I’ll get something from one of the synthesizers.”

For some reason, a reason Jim didn't understand, he felt happy.  Happy Leonard, a man he barely knew, decided to stay.

He felt guilty for it.

Because he shouldn’t stay.

But Jim was glad he did stay.

“You loss..  Later,” Alex waved, performed an elaborate curtsy for him before disappearing.

“Sorry about that.  He’s not usually like this.”

He was apologetic.

Jim found it endearing.

He didn’t believe it though.

Jim recognized ass holes, and he was sure Alex was one of them.

“You didn’t have to.”

The other cocked his head.

“You didn’t have to stay,” he elaborated.

The other chuckled.  “I wanted to, kid.”

“Did you want something to eat?”  He glanced over at the food synthesizer in the corner.  

He was hungry.  He felt like he could eat, but the thought made his sick.  

All the people he left behind.

All the people he couldn’t save.

He immediately shook his head.  

Leonard looked at him.  He looked worried, but he didn’t say anything.  Jim looked down at his hands embarrassed when his stomach betrayed him.  He knew now Leonard won’t believe him.

“Oh right, what was your name?  Can’t have everyone calling you sleeping beauty or Jane Doe, now can we?”

Jim snapped his head up.

“That’s my name,” he muttered.

“What?”

“Jane, my name is Jane.”

Because this was Starfleet, and Jane was simpler than Jim.  Jim carried baggage while Jane was unknown.

 

************

 

Jim didn’t know what Leonard had done.  It was like Leonard just knew, knew that Jim didn't want to share what had happened to him.  He didn’t push Jim for anything else after he got his name, which he almost never called him by.  It was like he knew.  He knew somehow that it wasn't his name.

He didn’t ask if he wanted food again either.  He didn’t mention it when he collected Jim’s plates after each meal, and Jim had only managed to nibble at the sides before his stomach betrayed him.  He felt guilty that he was wasting it, but he couldn't eat.

Not after not eating for so long.

Not after eating insects.

His stomach just refused. 

However Jim did learn a lot about Leonard.  That he was from Georgia.  That he had four siblings.  He was the oldest son and had always been expected to follow in the family occupation like his father and grandfather before him.

There were other things Jim learned about his new friend.

_Yeah…_

Leonard, he still didn’t like calling or thinking of him like that, was his friend.

He learned Leonard liked to act angry but was really just like a soft teddy bear.  That he had a smile that Jim really liked.  That he really liked peaches, not any old peaches but peaches from his gram’s orchard.  He would tell Jim amount the sea of pink peach flowers that bloomed in the spring,  It really was like water and waves when the spring wind blew.  Jim could almost see it in his eyes.

He also learned that Leonard didn’t care for chess, 3D or 2D.  He instead taught Jim how to play backgammon and poker.  They bet chips, potato chips, fruit, sandwiches and even vegetables.  Leonard was a genius at it. It wasn’t until a week later when Jim realized that he was gaining back all the weight that he lost that he realized Leonard had tricked him.

He started physical therapy.  The therapist was from an alien species that Jim didn’t recognize.  She was nice and kind.  She didn’t push him.  However, as nice as she was she was also strict.  She never helped him when he fell.  

He didn’t like the psychiatrist he was assigned to.  He was an older man.  One that reminded Jim of the doctors his mother took him to when he entered puberty.  He lied and talked about beautifies and sunshine and hope when all he could think about was blood, death, and screams.

He was grateful for his time with Joanna.  Just thinking about her still hurt.  He didn’t even know where she was.  He could’t even remember where he buried her.  However it meant when he did have his nightmares, which was almost every night, his screams were silent, so no one heard him. 

The dreams still torment him, and he felt like he deserved them.

Because he lived and they didn’t.

 

************

 

The space around him rattled.  He felt like it was going to implode on itself.

Maybe for the better…

No…

He couldn’t think like that…

Jim shook his head.

It was probably nothing.  A space anomaly, a patch of turbulence…

It would past.

He concentrated on the ceiling.

The sterile white ceiling…

In the corner of eye, he caught a glimpse of movement, of a person sliding to the ground…

He was in sick bay.

Someone would notice…

The safest part of the ship…

No one did.

He was still there.

He turned his head.

It was Leonard.

He looked ready to throw up.

He shouldn’t get involved.

Every time he did; it never, ever ended well.

But…

But this was Leonard.  Leonard who had helped him, been helping him this whole time.

“Fuck…” Jim muttered.

He slipped off the bed.

He was glad the gown at least reached below his knees.  He walked over to Leonard and bent down.

“Hey.”

Leonard looked up. His eyes widened.

“Kid…”

Jim stopped him.

“I’m not a kid.” Jim suddenly retorted.

And the other…

The other raised his eyebrow.  It arched upwards in a spectacular manner, like was it dancing.

“Oh really?  How old are you then?”

“Eighteen,” he blurted out, because for all he knew he could be eighteen.  It sure did feel like four years might have past.

“Eighteen?  You’re joking right?  You don’t even look sixteen.”  

The ship rattled, and Leonard turned pale.  He buried his face into his arms.  Jim bit his lips…

And he decided…

He decided he would…

He sat down next to Leonard.

“You don’t like it here.”

Leonard’s face snapped upwards. He still looked pale.

“Why you think that?”

“You never want to go to the observation deck when someone invites you.  You don’t even know which way is port and which way is starboard.  And…”

Leonard held up his hand.  “Okay, okay.”

“And you’re too young to be an actual doctor.”

“What are you Sherlock Holmes?”

Jim’s eyes lit up.  He had never met anyone else who read those old mysteries.  “You like Sherlock Holmes?”

“No, my grandpa does.  He reads them all the time with his morning coffee.”

“What about you, Leonard.  What do you like to do then?”

“I want to help, people.  It’s why I’m out here.”

Jim blinked.

“Pa thought it would be a good idea, give me a good exposure to different anatomies.  Help with med school, but sometimes it feels like I was sent me out here with nothing but my bones.”

Jim laughed, then stopped.

Like a bolt of lightning had hit him, like a missing puzzle slipped into place.

“It ain’t that bad, Bones.”

His eyebrows shot up.  “Bones?”

“Leonard doesn’t suit you.”

“But Bones does?”

“Yep.” Jim broke into a smile.

“Nothing I can do to change your mind huh?”

“Nope,” Jim’s smile widened.

“That looks good on you.”

Jim blinked.

“Your smile, it looks good.”

Jim blushed and looked away.  It was then that he realized…

“Hey look, the ship stopped rattling.”

“Yeah, it did.”

The comm went off then.

They both looked up.

The captain’s voice filtered through.  “Attention crew and civilians, apologies for the slight turbulence, but I’m sure if you direct yourself to the closest port side window you’ll be rewarded.  Lane out.”

“What the…”

Jim stood up.  He grabbed Bones’, it did sound good, hand.  The other looked startled.  “What you doing?”

“Captain’s orders,” Jim smirked.  He had an idea of what was out there, and he knew Bones had to see it.

“I…”

“Come on.”  He pulled again.  He almost fell backwards.  Bones rolled his eyes before picking himself up.  Jim dragged them to the closest window.  There was already a few ensigns crowding around.

He heard Bones’ deep intake of his breath.

At the beauty before them…

“What is it?” Bones muttered.  It was so quiet only Jim could hear.

“The birth of a star, Bones.  Ain’t she a beauty?”  Jim turned his head.  His breath almost slipped away as he saw the shimmer of the lights, flicker and rotate around Bones’ face.  It highlighted his features, softened his face.

Bones turned then to face him.

“Yeah, yeah she is.”  

He smiled.

And Jim, Jim smiled back.


	17. Chapter 17

Jim blinked when Bones dumped a pile of uniforms onto his bed.  He looked up at Bones questionably.

“You’re being discharged, kid.”

He had kind of assumed he could have left earlier.  Since the day they watched the star form from the port side window.

“Pick a color.”

“I can just pick one?”

“It’s against regulation, but there isn’t anything else in this tin can.”

Jim found it strangely endearing that since Bones revealed his dislike for space and basically everything about this whole arrangement, he seemed to have no qualms about using a whole range colorful language to describe his solution.

But as much as Bones hated it, Jim could also tell when things got bad, and they did get bad, Bones didn’t let his fear get in his way.  He could tell Bones would one day make a brilliant doctor.

“Besides we can’t let you wander the ship in a gown can we?”  Bones smirked.

“I think you wouldn’t mind that, Bonesy.”  Jim grinned.  

His smile widened more when he noticed the red blush run over Bones’ cheeks.   _That_ was definitely endearing.  “Shuddup,” he grumbled.  “Come on chose.”

Jim looked at the three colors, gold, red and blue.

He looked at the gold.  His dad had worn gold, or would have.  Back when he served, the regulation uniformed didn’t distinguish among the divisions as much as it did now.

He was tempted to pick it.

“Gold would look good.”

Jim looked up.

Bones blushed again.  “Too many sisters.”

Bones had two sisters.

Jim remembered that.  One older sister and one younger, he didn’t doubt that they wouldn’t influence him.

“Why you say that?”  He doubt it had to do with fashion because then he would have gone with blue.  People always said he looked good in blue because of his eyes.

“Because…” Bones immediately closed his mouth.  “Just pick something.”

He ended up choosing red.  

Because it wasn’t command…

Bones didn’t say anything as he waited for him to change.  He was glad Bones had brought him the alternate female uniforms.  He did not feel comfortable walking around in a mini skirt.

After he pulled on the boots, and damn were they talk, he pushed open the privacy curtains.  Bones blinked, uncrossed his arms and muttered “red looks good on you too, kid.”

“Thanks.”

“Come on.”

Bones rotated on his heels.

“Where we going?”

“Show you to your quarters.”

“My quarters?”

“Well you got to stay somewhere.”

The York was bigger than Jim had expected.  Not as big as some of the ships in the fleet but a decent sized ship.  She wasn’t a battle ship, and really it was a complete accident they were even this close to the neutral zone.

And despite Bones’ dislike for it all, he seemed at home.  Jim kept that to himself though.  He didn’t believe in Bones and his ‘gonna be a simple country doctor like my pa and grandpa.”

The crew, the ones he got to know since he been on the ship, smiled and waved.  Some even commented that he looked good in red.

“Told ya,” Bones muttered when they entered the turbolift.

Jim just wanted to slap him.  He didn’t know why, but he did.

They made a quick stop at the quartermaster’s.  There Jim exchanged the gold and blue uniforms for a stack of reds.  He was also given undergarments, towels and a sonic toothbrush.  

They eventually ended up in the lower burrows of the ship.  Bones led him to a simple door with a number and a letter on top.  Jim blinked as it slid open for him.

Inside was a small room.  There were two sets of bunk beds along the wall.  Three of them already looked lived in.  There were two sets of desks.

Jim blinked.  He walked forward.  He stopped at the desk.  A picture caught his eye.  He picked it up.

It was of a girl and Bones.  There was a look in Bones’ eyes, one that suddenly made Jim angry.  He almost dropped the picture.  He caught himself from scowling.  

“Oh, that’s Joss.”

“Who’s Joss?”  Jim tried to keep the contempt from leaking from his voice.  He didn’t even know why he was so angry.

“My ex.”

“You have a picture of your ex?”  Jim hoped his voice sounded neutral.  He didn’t know much about relationships, but that…

That didn’t sound right.

“One of my sisters sneaked it into my stuff before I left.  Alex found it.”

“And you didn’t want to explain.”  Jim set it down.  He made sure to place it behind another photo. Jim smiled at it.  It was of Bones and his siblings, the five McCoys.  They looked close not like him and Sam.

Sam…

He hadn’t thought of his brother in a long time.

“Donna, Henry, Landor and Melissa,” Bones pointed to each. His breath tickled the side of Jim’s neck.  

It suddenly felt hot.

He looked at the picture.  

He pointed at Bones’ brothers.  “They’re…”

“Twins.”  Bones confirmed.  “They are a pair of trouble makers.  Mama says they are making her hair go white early.”

Jim smiled.  He then looked at Bones’ baby sister.

He wondered if Bones noticed.  “Yeah, she’s much younger than the rest of us.  The accident in Savannah.  Pa wanted to name her Savannah, but Mama wouldn’t have it.”

“She’s real cute though.  She’ll be three soon.”

Jim hummed.  He set the photo down.

“Anyways these are the quarters.  We’re sharing with Alex and Mae.  You’ve met Alex.”

Jim nodded.  He still wasn’t sure he liked him. Turned out Alex wasn’t in medical but was actually a graduate researcher.  From what Jim could deduce he was a child prodigy or something.  He had been accepted to Starfleet Academy for his PhD.

“And Mae…”

They heard the door slip open.  A pretty girl with dark curly hair black and deep brown eyes walked into the room.  She was wearing a red tank top and black shorts.  There was a towel draped over her shoulders.  She looked like she had just gotten back from exercising.

“Hey Len.  Oh, you must be Jane.  Good to have another female in these quarters.  We can finally balance out the testosterone, ne?”  She thrust out her hand.

Jim blinked before nodding.  “Yeah.”

“Don’t worry, Len and Alex aren’t that bad.”  She interlaced their arms together.  “Tsk tsk Len.  You haven’t even shown her where to put her stuff.  I thought you were a southern gentleman.”

“I was getting there,” Bones grumbled.

Jim looked behind his shoulder as Mae dragged her to the empty bunk.  As Jim prepared to climb to the too, Mae stopped her.  She instead walked over to her desk.  Jim noticed that half of it was bare.

She picked up a yellow tie.

Jim heard Bones groan in the background.  “Mae.”

“She got to know.”  Mae said.  She held it up to Jim.  Jim blinked.

“We don’t have many rules, just the normal ones.  Privacy, be nice, etc etc.  This ain’t really a rule, more like a courtesy.”

Jim heard Bones groan again.

“If the tie is on the door, it means don’t come in.  Or…” Mae twinkled her eyes.  

Jim immediately nodded.

“Mae, leave her alone.  The captain wants to see her after she settles in.”  Bones grumbled.  He plucked the tie out of Mae’s hand and set it back down on the table.

“Party pooper,” Mae muttered. “Well, I’m going to take a shower.  You’ll be sharing half of my drawer.  Len can show it to you.”  They watch as she disappeared out the room again.  She waved before the door slid shut.

“The captain wants to see me?”

“Yeah.”

Jim felt his stomach clench.  He knew Bones had been doing something to prolong the encounter.

He had seen him in sick bay a complete times.  He had smiled at him, but Jim had experience with people in authority.

He trusted them less than he could throw a baseball.

 

************

 

Bones walked him to the captain’s ready. He left him there was a soft smile.  He suggested they get dinner together in the mess hall after his shift ended.

Jim, feeling nervous and apprehensive, simply nodded as the door opened for him.

Captain Lane was a young man.  There is was a kindness in his eyes that should have made Jim feel safe the moment he entered the ready room.

However it just made Jim feel more guarded.

“Welcome.”  Lane smiled at him.

Jim feigned a smile back.

“Have a seat.  Do you want anything to drink?”  

Jim settled into the chair.  It was big and soft.  He shook his head, quickly.

“How do you like my ship?”

“It’s magnificent, sir.”  He didn’t have to lie because she was.  She was a beautiful little thing.

Lane smiled back at him.  “I’m glad you like it.  My CMO says you are adapting nicely especially with McCoy.”

“He’s helped a lot.  They all have.”  Jim knew exactly what to say.  He had always been good at that, good at conning grown ups into thinking nothing was wrong with him.

Lane was no different.

He smiled at Jim.  A soft smile that grown ups like giving to children, the smile Jim had been accustomed to getting his whole life.

“I’m glad.  My CMO has nothing but good things to say about the boy, but it’s you child that we’re here to talk about.  When my first officer found you in that shuttle…”

Jim didn’t want to talk about _that_.

“It looked like something from the dark ages. We’re amazed you got it to fly.”

Jim looked up.

Lane smiled at him again.

“You got talent, kid.  But you’re still a kid, and I can’t just let you stay on my ship.”

Jim knew _that_.

He wondered then if Lane would just leave him at the next starbase or Federation outpost.

“I won’t ask questions kid.  The normal questions, where are your folks, why you’re out here or how.  You’re here, but if you want help.  If you want to contact them…”

His dad was dead.

He didn’t even know where Sam was now.

And his mom…

He shook his head instead.

“They’re dead.”

Lane’s smile fell.  “The Federation has provisions…”

The home… Foster care… the system…

Jim knew about them all.

Frank had threatened to send him there if he misbehaved a few times.  

Empty threats…

“My grandparents live in San Francisco.”  It was a lie.  It was the third one he just told.

How Lane seemed let out a long breath, one he tried to hide.  Jim was glad he told it.

“We’re a long way from Earth after the detour, but that is where we are heading.  You can catch a shuttle once we arrive at San Francisco Yards.”

Jim nodded.

Earth…

He had been away so long.

He didn’t even know what star date it was.  He never bothered to ask or look.

There was a part of him glad to be going back.  The little blue ball with her one sun...

“My parents always said idle hands make idle minds.  We don't want that.”

Jim blinked.

“We’re in deep space. There isn’t much to do on a starship, so I got a proposition of you kid.  Would  you like to help around in engineering?”

Jim looked up, stunned.

When Lane first started, he thought we wanted him to help with paperwork or something.

“You seem like you got talent for that sort of them.  That shuttle you must have fixed.”

Jim held his breath.

“It’s not the bridge but…”

Jim understood that.

The bridge needed special clearance, which he definitely didn’t have.

“Would you like it?”

Jim nodded.

“Good, I’ll let Walker know you’ll be reporting to him first thing tomorrow morning for alpha shift.”

“Thank you sir.”  

That wasn’t a lie.

Lane smiled.  “It won’t be easy.  Walker isn’t a lenient chief engineer, but he’s definitely one of the best.”

“Thank you, sir.”

Lane smiled.  “You can go now.”

Jim stood up, a smile on his face.  It was one he hadn’t had in a long time.

He was only after he left that he realized that Lane didn’t offer to let him contact his grandparents.

It was almost as if he knew...

 

************

 

It turned out the tie on the door happened a lot more frequently than Jim would have thought.

There were many times when he would reach the door, find the tie there and immediately turn around.

After the third time, he discovered where Bones went during these moments.  

The bar…

The York had a nice little bar with an assortment of alcohol.  He later would learn it was communal alcohol.  The crew would bring back bottles during shore leave or when they restocked at starbases and then leave them in the bar to share.

Jim learned that Bones loved his whiskey and bourbon.  

The old southern boy…

Jim on the other hand liked to try all the different concoctions and alien brews.  Even the ‘green’ stuff in the back of the bar that some ensign for years past brought back.

Bones rolled his eyes and muttered if his eyes bled out he was off duty and it was his own damn fault.  Jim didn’t believe him though.

He knew Bones would save him.

And somehow that became as much of a ritual between them as playing backgammon or poker had been when Jim was recovering at sick bay.

Somehow without Jim realizing it he had gained friends.

With Bones…

Then later with Mae and even Alex…

And then some of ensigns in engineering who took him under their wings.  They taught him how to rewire cables.  How to stabilize the warp core.  How to tell just from hearing if something was misaligned.

But Jim realized the thing he liked the most…

Even more than the stars was Bones…

He really liked Bones…

Then because he’s Jim Kirk and not Jane…

Reality caught up to him.

 

************

 

_“Today is the last day of the Tarsus Trials.  Although it seemed not all the survivors are satisfied with the outcome.”_

Jim snapped his neck around so quickly he almost felt whiplash.

There…

There on the screen was a little boy.  A little boy he never thought he would see again.

_Kevin…_

_Kevin Riley…_

Jim had always believed he would never see that little boy again.

That Starfleet hadn’t saved them.

He looked good.

He looked well cared for.

He looked healthy.

Most of all…

He was alive.

“Bureaucratic nonsense.  The biggest injustice of the galaxy.”

Jim turned his head. He was in engineering.  They had never talked before since he worked gamma and beta shifts, and Jim usually stayed in engineering during alpha when Bones was on duty.

“Sorry, did I say it out loud?  Didn’t mean to.”

Jim turned his head because he couldn’t stop himself.  “Tarsus…”

“You interested princess?”

Jim would ignore that for now.

“Yeah.  The survivors.”

He laughed.

“Is that what they call them now?  Survivors? What do you call the four thousand that died?”

Jim shook his head.  He didn’t know.

“Starfleet is calling them victims.  Victims of a horrible tragedy.  An event we shouldn’t forget, but they aren’t even letting the survivors speak to the public.  It’s all behind sealed bureaucratic red tape.  Fishy, right?  You know what they say?”

Jim shook his head.

“Because there are rumors that the only ones that tried to put up a fight were kids.  Kids… Thousands of adults and it was kids that tried to stop him.  And that… that ain’t right.”

He picked up his bread.

“Lieutenant!”

They both looked up as the second in command of engineering walked in.  He was a no nonsense man, a by the book officer.  Jim knew he didn’t approve that Lane had given him permission to work in engineering.  Luckily Walker, the chief engineer, thought differently.  Jim made sure to never be near him.  He immediately looked down at his breakfast.

“What hogwash are you telling the little lady?”

“Tarsus?”

“That nonsense Lieutenant?  I didn’t take you for a romantic.  It’s just stories.  It’s reasons like this the trials took so damn long.  I mean kids take on an army.   If it’s true then they’re just damn foolish is what they are.”  He pointed at the TV, at Kevin.

“Kids these days, think they can take on the world.  Egotistic is what I call it.”

Jim wondered if he was looking at him.  He bit his tongue and chewed on his bread.

But the seed…

The seed had been planted.

Why didn’t he try to convince the adults that night?  

Was he just that?

_Egotistic..._

Is that why he failed?  Why he failed to protect those four thousand souls?


	18. Chapter 18

Jim tried to forget.  He tried to forget that morning, but he couldn't.

He suddenly realized the weight of it all, of what Ms. Kimura had said to him as her final words.

He had to remember so he could tell the world.  Hell, little Kevin Riley who had lost it all was doing better at _that_ than he was.

Because he had been forgetting.

Everyday on the U.S.S. York.

Everyday he spent in engineering.

Everyday he and Bones spent today.

Everyday he walked through the halls of the starship he was forgetting.

He was forgetting about the sea of blood.

He was forgetting about the screams.

Hell…

Even the nightmares happened less often.  

He didn’t dream of the screams, of the fire bombs, of Jack’s ghostly eyes.

Even Bones had told him at his last check up that he was gaining weight, that he wasn’t underweight anymore.

He knew Bones was still curious about his past.  He just didn't ask anymore.

Like he knew Jim wasn't going to answer, because he wasn't.

He didn't have any plans of telling Bones about his past...

Who he was...

Is...

Jim didn't really know who he was anymore or even what he was.

Not that he had ever really known...

“Hey.”

Jim looked up from his PADD.  He hadn’t even read a single sentence this whole time.

It was Bones…

He felt his heart flutter for a moment.  He set the PADD down.

“What you reading?”

“Huck Finn.”

Bones raised an eyebrow.

“It’s good.”  Jim insisted.  Although he hadn’t read a sentence this entire afternoon, he had read the story numerous times before.  It felt like home, like going on an adventure, with Huck down the Mississippi River.  When he was little he pretended he was Jim, and Huck was his friend.

“I’ll take your word for it.”  Bones sat down next to him.  He bumped him on the hip gently before dangling a bottle of beer in front of him.

It was a brand Jim had never tried before.

“How was medical?”

“Lots of burns and cuts…”

_Of course…_

How had he forgotten.

A valve blew in engineering in the morning.  Jim had been lucky he hadn’t been caught in the mix, but many of the other ensigns that he worked with had been.

It was why Walker had let him go early.  Why he had been trying to read Huck Finn and failing all afternoon.

He nodded as Bones ranted about how skittish some of the ensigns were.

Jim didn’t blame them.

He didn’t like being in sick bay either especially as the patient.  There were too many memories, too many instruments that just looked too menacing.

“Mae and Alex want to watch old Earth movies tonight.”

Jim blinked and looked over at Bones.

“Thought it would be something you would like.”

Jim felt that same flush course through his chest.  He overlooked it before smiling.

“Yeah.”

“Good.”

 

************

 

After dinner Jim found himself squeezed between Mae and Bones on a lumpy couch.  Alex and his date, an Andorian ensign from communications, were snuggled together on the loveseat.

They were making noises that Jim used to hear Big Joe’s conquests make.  Jim felt the tips of the ears turn red.

“Here.”

He looked over at Bones who passed him a bowl of popcorn.

_Popcorn…_

He had only ever eaten the buttery concoction a handful of time and all with Bones.  

Friday night movies had become a staple with Bones, Mae, Alex and whoever Alex was sleeping with.  

“Sound of Music or Indiana Jones?”  Mae asked.  She was always in charge of the equipment.

Jim had seen them both.  

There was a spot in his heart that was quite fond of Sound of Music.  There had been a winter when Grandma Kirk hadn’t been so sad and had taught him to sing with those old songs.  Even Grandpa Tiberius had joined in.  Only Sam had passed.  He was not musically endowed.

He also loved Indiana Jones, especially the original trilogy.  He had spent a whole summer learning how to use a bullwhip, and he had even replicated his own fedora and leather jacket.  It had driven Sam crazy since it scared all the chickens.  

He also hadn’t been pleased with all the holes Jim made looking for artifacts.  Sam definitely regretted lying about their farm being built on an old Sioux burial ground after that.

“Last Crusade,” Alex yelled from the back.

Jim couldn’t believe that Alex heard considering he was now back to ‘eating’ her face off.

Mae rolled her eye.  “Len?  Jane?”

“Don’t matter to me.”

They both looked at him.

“Last Crusade.”  Jim decided he needed to get lost looking for the elixir of life with Indy.

“Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade it is.”  Mae agreed.

“Doesn’t my opinion matter?” Alex yelled.

“Nope, shut up, Rider.” Mae retorted.

“Real mature.”

“Nobody asked you.”

Jim had a theory that they actually liked each other.  The whole you hate the ones you love theory.  Jim lived by it with his history.

Mae started the movie.

And for a little while, Jim forgot all his troubles, his nightmares and his guilt.  He got lost in Indy’s escapades of outsmarting the Nazis.

He even found his eyelids drooping as Indy saved his dad.

Jim always liked that part the best.

He must have dozed off because the next time his eyelids fluttered open he felt like this was the first time in a long time he had gone a decent night’s sleep.

“Hey kid, come on wake up.”

Jim blinked.   

“‘Ones?”

_Shit!_

He hadn’t realized he had fallen asleep on Bones.  He immediately bolted upwards.  Unfortunately at that moment, Bones had tilted his head causing Jim to collide roughly with the bottom of Bones’ chin.  Jim winced when he heard Bones’ jaw snap close from the impact.  Bones’ eyes immediately started to water.

“Sorry.”

Bones shook his head; his eyes still watered.  Jim drew his legs to his chest.

“It’s okay.”  Bones managed to mutter out.  He winced as he sat up.  He threw out his arms and stretched.  “You’re getting heavy.  Oh crap, sorry.”

Jim blinked.  

“You’re funny, kid.  You're the first girl I ever met to not get offended about a comment about her weight.”

Jim froze.  He forced himself to chuckle.

He suddenly realized this was the first time he felt bad about lying.

About his name and everything else...

“I got to go on shift.  Dinner together?”  

“Okay.”  Jim nodded as Bones got up.  It was only when Bones left, and Jim was alone, that he realized he missed Bones.

He missed Bones’ warmth and presence.  He missed his voice.  He missed his smile even though that was rare.

And he realized his heart beated a little faster when Bones was around.

 

************

Jim wasn’t sure how he found himself in a small nook of the York, squeezed in between Mae and Bones and facing Alex.  They were passing around a bottle of coconut rum.  

What had started with Alex complaining about his day.

_Boring, boring and completely boring…_

Jim secretly liked it.  He liked just floating around space, working on the engines with the ensigns, crawling through the Jefferies Tubes…

They had only been to two planets since Jim boarded the York.  They had been pretty planets, deep blue and green.  

He didn’t like them as much when Bones returned from his shift and told them about the poison one of the security guards had been forced to ingest.

Somehow evolved into a game of truth and dare.

It had started out as harmless fun.

Simple, silly dares or truths…

Ones that made Jim’s side hurt from laughing as he watched his friends perform their dares.  

And he knew Alex hadn’t meant anything by it when he asked, “What are you afraid of?”

Jim froze.

_What was he afraid of…_

Failure…

Death…

Blood…

Bones finding out about Tarsus…

Facing Kevin again…

“Spiders.”

“What?”

“Spiders, I’m afraid of spiders.”

Jim said again.

He saw Bones’ eyebrow raise.

He clearly didn’t believe it.

“I call B.S.” Alex retorted.

“But I am.  They have so many legs, and they bite.”

Alex looked at him.  He looked at him hard before turning to Bones.  “Len, what you think?  Is she lying?”

Jim looked at Bones.

He wondered what he would say.

“Why would she?” Bones asked as he took a swing from the bottle.  How easily Bones had answered like he _knew_ made Jim feel uneasy.

Alex groaned before falling backwards.  “You’re the worst.  Fine your turn, sleeping beauty.”

He still called him that.

It grated him less now.

“Bones…”

He glared at him before taking another swing.  He glared at them all as if daring them to call him out for taking two swings in a roll.  It definitely had to have been the alcohol.  Jim knew _that._ It had to be the only reason Bones agreed to this.

“Truth or dare?”

 

************

 

Jim thought he was getting better.

He measured it by his number of nightmares, by the number of times he sees Kodos in his mind, by the number of times he hears the screams, sees the blood, and relives Jack’s body stumping forward as Kodos draws out his sword.

There were good days and good moments between all the bad moments and the bad days.

He still found himself holding his breath when he ordered his food from the food synthesizers.   He still thought there would be a day when the captain will tell them they need to ration the food, that there isn’t enough.

He still hides a few packets of dried meat under his mattress.

He sneaks them out of the mess hall when no one is looking.

Most times they don’t pay much attention to him.  

As friendly as the crew is, most of them, they mostly see him as a civilian, as a kid they are transporting back to Earth.

_Earth…_

Jim heard from some of the engineering officers that they weren’t even a month out now.

He knew that Bones was ecstatic.  Ecstatic to get off this tin can as he put it.  There was a part of Jim that didn’t believe him though.  

The day had started good and normal.

He had been paired up with another ensign, Watanabe, to fix some faulty wiring in the mess hall.

He and Watanabe worked well together.  He reminded Jim of Aiko’s older brother Tsuneha.  

The first few times Jim felt bolts of pain.  He hoped they were okay, that Tsuneha and his child were okay.  He felt guilty he hadn’t found the time to find out if it was even a boy or a girl, what its name was.  Just like all the other nameless faces he saw in his dreams that he hadn’t cared to know.  The names of those he had failed.  The names of those he couldn’t save.

There was a group of beta shift engineers and security guards in the mess hall when they arrived.  Jim didn’t know them very well. He had only seen them in passing during shift change.

They were almost done with their assignment when Jim caught a few words of what the group were saying.  He rarely paid attention to what people around him were saying.  

But this time he did.

“Self entitled.”

“Liars.”

“Just want to topple the Federation.”

“Probably working for the Klingons.”

“Don’t listen to them.”  Watanabe muttered under his breath.

Jim looked up.

He hadn’t realized he had been so obvious.

“You say something Watanabe?”

They both turned around.

“Oh it’s Watanabe and the little girl.  What you do to win the captain’s favor anyways?”

Jim clenched his fist.

He felt Watanabe’s hand on his shoulder.  It was strong and sturdy.  

“Don’t, Jane.  It’s not worth it.”

“You always say that Watanabe.  Teaching her to be splineless like you?  Always the ‘yes man’.  Just like back at the Academy.”

“Let it go, man.  She looks rabid.”

“Yeah, it’s messing with her pretty face.”

“She’s like these kids.  Feel so entitled.”

It was then Jim saw what they had been discussing on the closest PADD.

And Jim, Jim saw red.  He broke out of Watanabe's hold and charged.  

Like all those years ago, on that lake…

He scream and punched and kicked.

He didn’t know what he was kicking.

He felt someone grab him.  

He saw a pair of dark brown eyes.

“She’s a freak.”

“She’s crazy.”

“Take it back.” Jim screamed.  “Take it back.”

“Girl, my momma told me never to hit a girl, but you ain’t a girl.”

Jim braced as he felt the punch.

He heard Watanabe shouting at them to stop.

He heard the other ensigns catcalling and whistling in the background.

He was still screaming and kicking when he felt someone grab him, when he felt a hypo against his neck.  He was screaming when the world went dark.

 

************

 

Jim awoke to find himself in a dimly lit room.  

He was on a bed.  There was an instrument next to him that was faintly blinking away.  

He gasped…

He was back.

He was…

“Jane!”  

He saw a pair of hazel eyes looking down at him.

“Bones?”

“Yeah.”

“Bones?”

It was Bones.

It hadn’t been a dream.

Then…

Then…

He grimaced at the slight pain in his joints.

“Fitzpatrick did quite a number on you,” Bones said warily.  “What were you thinking picking a fight with a man twice your size anyways?”

Jim opened his mouth to answer then he immediately closed it.

“Nothing.”  Jim looked away.

Bones sighed.

“The captain won’t like that.”

Jim turned back around.  His eyes widened.

_Lane…_

“He wants to speak to you.”  Bones looked worried.

_I had to._

_I owe it to them._

He didn’t say anything.  He couldn’t.  He couldn’t tell Bones.  Couldn’t tell him that he had done more wrong than just hit Fitzpatrick.

Bones sighed.

“Get some rest, kid.”

 

************

 

Captain Lane came to see him the next afternoon.  By then his pains had gone away.  

He had a feeling Bones had been ordered to keep him there.

He wondered if Lane would throw him into the brig or airlock him.

He didn’t know what the rules were for punching a Starfleet officer.  

His face was stoic when he entered.  Jim couldn’t read him at all.

He didn’t look angry.

And it did make Jim feel a little guilty.  Because Lane had been nice to him.  He had given him provisions that he knew were against regulation.  Jim had been grateful.  After all, how many other kids his age could say they worked on a Federation starship?

Lane sat down in the chair that Bones had occupied every time he stayed with him.

He didn’t say anything for a couple of minutes.

When he did start to speak, he looked tired.

“You’re not going to tell me why you did it are you?”

Jim shook his head.  “No, sir.”

He twisted his fingers together.

“Ensign Fitzpatrick and the men with him already gave their statement.  Said you attacked him.”

Jim looked up.

“So did Ensign Watanabe; however, he said you had been provoked.  Do you want to tell me your story.”

“Can’t the tapes tell you?”

Lane sighed.

“Jane,” he stopped.  

Jim looked at him.

“Does it even matter, sir?”

“What do you mean?”

“Does it matter who threw the first punch?  What caused it?”

“Yes.  Yes it does.”

“Why?”

“It’s how the justice system works.”

_Then what about Kodos?  What about all the wrong he had done?  Why weren’t they going after him?  Why were they sealing everything about the settlement._

Jim looked away again.

“You don’t believe in it.”

“I don’t.  Innocent people lose, and guilty people win.”

Lane sighed.  “I’m sorry you think that way, but this is my ship.  I can’t let what you did go.  Fitzpatrick is getting his punishment.  And yours, I’m sorry but you can no longer work in engineering.  I’m confining you to your quarters and the common areas until you decide to tell me what happened.”

Jim bit his lips but nodded, because he couldn’t tell his story.

Because if he did…

He would have to explain about Tarsus.

About what happened.

About what Kodos had done.

What he had failed to do.

Lane left soon afterwards, and Bones returned with his dinner.

They ate silence.

It tasted like cardboard, but he still ate every bite of it.

 

************

 

Two days later Jim was almost glad they were almost back on Earth.

Since the incident, most of the crew had taken to avoiding him.

Only Alex had found it funny and brave.

Now that most of the ship was barred from him, Jim spent most of the time either in his quarters or in one of the observation decks.  He spent the hours reading.

Because reading was his escape…

He could forget that he was on a starship.

He could forget about all the looks everyone was giving him.

Only Bones’ he couldn’t.

He realized he had been avoiding Bones since he had left sick bay.

It startled him when he heard Bones’ voice.  “Truth or dare.”

“Bones.”

“Truth or dare.”  Bones said again.  He looked at him with _that_ look.  The one that meant he was serious.  

There was a PADD in his hands.

“Truth…”. Jim finally answered, for as he had learned over the years.  It sometimes was better to just get it over with.  Because he knew, Bones didn’t actually want to play truth or dare.

“You think you did something bad.  Something that you think nobody can forgive you for.”

“Bones.”

“That the captain can’t forgive you for.”

“Bones stop.”

“That I can’t forgive you for.”

“Bones.”

Instead of continuing Bones turned the PADD that was in his hands.  It was on the same article that Fitzpatrick and his friends had been looking at.

His eyes widened in horror.

_How?_

_How did Bones figure it out?_

“Shit…”  Bones paled.

“Bones…”

“Tarsus… you were there.”

He froze.  He felt the color drain from his face.

“You were there, weren’t you?”

Bones looked at him.

“The children’s rebellion… It’s real and…”

Bones looked at him.

Jim felt his breath leave him.

“You were their leader.  The one the survivors are talking about."

“What you talking about Bones?  Tarsus is out there.”

Bones grabbed his arm.  He pulled him towards him.  He pulled him to his chest.  He could feel Bones’ heart beat.  He could smell his aftershave.

He hugged him.  

He hugged him tight…

Something no one had ever done before.

He could smell Bones’ aftershave.

“You don’t have to lie anymore.  You don’t have to hide it anymore.  You don’t…”

And…

That was all it took...

“I let them die, Bones.  I let them die,” Jim cried out.  He grabbed Bones’ shirt and buried himself into his friend’s chest.  Into a friend that Jim felt that he didn’t deserve.  “It’s all my fault…”

“No you didn’t.  You didn’t darlin’,” Bones muttered.  He drawled out his name.  He brushed his hand through his blond bangs.  He ran his hand over his sobbing, shaking body.   “It ain’t your fault.  It ain’t your fault.”


	19. Chapter 19

It felt like a large weight had lifted from his shoulders now that Bones _knew._  He made Bones swear to secrecy to not tell the captain.

Bones had promised easily.

“Not my place to tell.”

Of course Jim still didn’t know how Bones figured it out, and he didn't ask.  

However he made a mental note that if Bones could figure it out, that meant other people who wasn’t Bones, who he didn’t trust, who he didn’t want to know could find out.

And that was it…

He trusted Bones…

_A lot…_

And that scared him.

Because people who he ended up trusting, had almost all ended up dying for him.

_Ms. Kimura…_

_Jack…_

_Joanna..._

_And all the other kids that had followed him…_

Who had trusted him.

Who he trusted.

Who he had formed relationships with.

Had all died...

And he couldn’t lose Bones…

And that scared him even more.

 

************

 

“He likes you.”  Jim looked up from his book to find Mae looking at him from her bed.  This had been the first time in over a week Jim had seen her.  Both she and Alex had been transferred to gamma shift.

“Huh?  What?  Who?”  Jim blinked.  He was going to throw something at her if she said Alex.  

“Len.”

Jim opened and closed his mouth.  

He didn’t know what to say.

Mae’s laugh brought him out of it though.  He immediately grabbed his knees and pulled them towards his chest.  

“And you like him too,” she cooed.

“What you talking about?”

“You’re blushing!”

“Am not.”

“It’s okay.  He totally likes you.”  Mae pushed back her blanket and got up.  Jim watched as she walked past him and to Bones’ desk.  

“The picture of ex isn’t here anymore.”

“Of course, it’s his ex.”  Jim rolled his eyes although he was a little surprised the picture had disappeared.  He hadn’t noticed.

“Right except it disappeared like right after you moved in.”  Mae sat down in Bones’ chair.  “If you don’t believe me, I’ll just have to prove it.”

At that moment the door to their quarters slid open.

Jim found himself half hoping it was Alex although he knew it wouldn’t be.

The universe had never been kind to him.

Bones walked in.  He stopped.  He raised an eyebrow.  He looked from him to Mae and back again.  Jim hadn’t realized he had been staring and quickly looked away.  “What?”  He asked.  

Mae walked over.  There was a smirk on her face.

Bones backed up.  He looked ready to bolt.  “Just wondering if you asked anyone to the Captain’s farewell party.”

“I…”  He looked flustered.

“Why don’t you take Jane?”

Mae threw him a look that looked remarkably like a ‘watch this’ look.

Bones actually did turn red.  Jim felt bad for him.

“I… damn it… come on let’s go get dinner.”

“Great.”  Jim dropped his PADD and almost ran the distance to the door.  As they left, Mae threw him another look, one Jim easily read as a ‘wait for it’.

It was one of the most uncomfortable dinners he had ever had.

Mae kept looking at him like she had the key to the universe but refused to say anything.  Bones was completely silent.  He was eating his dinner so furiously and angrily it looked liked it had offended him someway.

Jim could barely get his dinner down.

And since he was certain this was his fault, he excused himself.

It was the first time since Mae asked if Bones was going to take him to the party that Bones looked at him.

His eyes were so wide that Jim bolted.  He dumped his tray so quickly the poor ensign collecting dinner trays yelled at him.  Jim managed to mutter a ‘sorry’ before disappearing out of the mess hall.

His heart felt like it was trumping a thousand beats a minute.

Because when he had left and Bones looked at him, it really did look like he wanted to say something.

And Jim wasn’t sure he wanted to hear it.

Because he was bad for Bones…

He was bad for people…

But as he rested his hands against the clear window, the only thing separating him from the dark empty space…

That feeling he kept feeling every time he saw him.

That feeling in his chest that felt like he was going to explode.

Came back just at the thought of Bones…

Of Bones’ smile that though rare made him feel better.

It was so warm…

Of the days and nights they spent together…

Playing games…

Watching movies…

Drinking…

Talking about the secrets of the universe or nothing at all…

Of just saying ‘good morning’…

At that moment, he realized he had never protested to Mae that he liked Bones.

Because...

“Jane?”

Jim gasped.  He pushed back from the window.

He looked at Bones.  He looked apprehensive and nervous.  He looked like he had ran here.

Two things he realized he didn’t like on Bones’ face.

Because Bones was always confident and sure…

“About the party.”

Jim felt his heart pumping furiously.

Bones shifted on his feet.  He scratched the back of his neck.  “God damnit.”

“Bones?”

“Will you go to the party with me?”

His heart seized.

He couldn’t…

He couldn’t do it.

He was bad…

Bad for Bones...

“Like friends?”  Bones continued like he knew.

“Friends?”

“Yeah.”

Friends were better than…

He could do friends…

Because friends came and went…

Friends weren’t permanent…

Not like…

“Want to?”

“Okay.  As friends…”

He could almost hear Mae laughing in the back of his head.

 

************

 

Mae did laugh when Jim told her.  She also jumped up and down like she had won the lottery.

When she finally settled down, she grabbed his hands and clapped them together.

“What you going to wear?”

“We’re just going as friends.”

Mae rolled her eyes as if she didn’t believe him.

Jim wasn’t sure he believed himself.

“Well whatever you go as, you have to wear something, nice.”

“Why?”

Mae rolled her eyes. “You are such a boy.  You sure you’re a girl?”

Jim blinked.  He opened his mouth then closed it.

“Never mind.  You just leave it to me.  I’ll get you all nice and pretty for Len.  He’ll totally confess.  Then when you guys have babies, you can name your firstborn after me.”

“Babies,” Jim spluttered out.  Babies were the furthest things from his mind.  It had been all Kodos ever wanted from him.

“Yep, you and Len will make such pretty babies.”  Mae smiled.  “I got to go on shift.  See you when I get back.”

Jim nodded.  “I’ll be here.”

He regretted to not stopping her when she returned.  She even banned Bones from coming back until it was time to go to the party.  She told him,“it’s a surprise.”

He remembered Bones’ eyebrow raise.

She pulled out a dress.  It was a long, flowing dress, and Jim could tell it had a deep neckline.  

“It’s saffron.”  Mae explained as if Jim knew what saffron was.  “The sapphire blue will go well with your eyes and blonde hair.”

“It’s…” Jim sputtered out.

“You’ll look amazing, especially with your figure.  Len will love it, trust me.”  Mae patted the chair.  “Come one let’s get your hair and face done.”

 

************

 

“Done.”  Mae was beaming as she put down her brush.  She had forbade Jim from looking while she worked.

Said it would be better for the effect if it was a surprise.

She placed the mirror into his hand.

Jim stared into the mirror.

It startled him to see the person staring back at him.

_A young woman…_

With fine blonde hair curled into a bun with a loose strands that framed her face.  The layer of makeup accentuated her blue eyes and rosy red cheeks.  

“What you think?”

“You think Bones will like it?”

Because Jim didn't know what to think.  He make subtle movements and the person in the mirror copied them.

Like a twin…

Where the only difference was the gender…

“Of course.  He’ll love it.  You look stunning.”  Mae beamed.  She took the mirror from him.  “Trust me.”

She took the chair next to him and started on her own makeup.  

Jim twirled his fingers.

_Confused…_

“Mae?”

“Yeah.”

“Who you going with?”  Jim couldn’t believe he never asked.  He had just assumed she was going with somebody.  

When he had worked in engineering, the ensigns, both male and female, had commented on her beauty.  Some had even asked Jim to put in a good word for them.

Jim had ignored most of them.

So he had a feeling Mae had a long list of people to chose from.  He wondered who she had chosen.  Who she was getting all pretty for.

“You’ll see.”  She said easily as she dabbed more powder onto her face.

 

************

 

Jim was half hoping Bones wouldn’t show up even though that was ridiculous and impossible considering they lived on a starship, and Bones wasn’t that type of person.

In fact he was the type of person that was punctual, who showed up exactly on time.  Mae winked and grinned at him before letting Bones in.  

Jim felt his stomach drop and his heart flutter when he saw Bones on the other side.  He was wearing a midnight blue suit.  He had gelled back his hair.  

He looked older.  

The only thing that gave away his age was the boyish fat on his face.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

He met Bones half way.

Bones took his hands.

He realized he liked it.

The feel of Bones’ hand around his...

“You look amazing.”

“Thanks?”

Jim still wasn’t sure what he thought about all of this.

He felt exposed and silly in this dress.  His hair felt hard.  He felt like he had too much on his face.  He didn’t feel like _him_.

It was clear Bones liked it though.

The way he looked at him… at Jane.  Not him… at whoever he was playing.  

Like a game…

He felt like he was playing dress up.

But then again maybe that was okay…

For just tonight…

Because Bones did like it.

“You do.”

Jim felt his heart pound away, hard and fast.

“Ready?”

Jim slipped a glance back at Mae.  Her eyes looked strangely misty.  She waved her hand at him.  Jim looked back at Bones and nodded.

Bones smiled at him.

That warm smile that he liked…

Like the sun…

Like a sunrise…

It was so warm and inviting.

 

************

 

The party was in the largest recreation room aboard the ship.

Someone had decorated it with shiny stars and sparkling holiday lights that twinkled in the reflection.

There was small round tables draped by long white table clothes that could fit pairs of two.

In the corner was a long buffet tables with meat, fruits and vegetables.  At the end was a small makeshift bar lined with an assortment of alcoholic and non alcoholic drinks.

Soft classical music was playing.

There were already couples there.  Most were dancing in the center of the room.  There were only a few congregated in the corner or in some of the far tables.

The captain and the rest of the officers hadn’t arrived yet.

“Want to dance?”

Jim almost said ‘no’.  It wasn’t that didn't know how to dance.  

He did.

It was just…

Dancing reminded him of Kodos.

Dancing and music reminded him of the lessons Kodos gave him.

“We…”

But he wasn’t near Kodos anymore…

Kodos couldn’t get him anymore.

And he liked to dance.

And he liked music.

Jim nodded.  “Okay.”

Bones smiled as he lead them to the center of the room.  

His heart quickened as Bones settled his hand against his shoulder blade and clasped his hand.  

He smiled as Jim rest his hand against Bones’, mirroring his pose.

They danced.

They ate.

They mingled with the crew.

Bones hadn’t been the only one to compliment him on his appearance.  

He saw Bones’ smile widen and his face soften as he looked at him.

The light softened his features.

It made Jim’s heart race.

He felt like a jar of butterflies was about to burst out of him.

When Bones passed him an appetizer, like he did any other day with other food or a drink; however, this time it felt different.

He didn’t know if it was the atmosphere.

If it was Mae’s words…

But his heart felt like it would explode…

Like he was on to a big discovery…

Like he finally found clarity…

That he understood...

He looked at Bones who at that moment had turned to look at him.

Those eyes…

Those hazel eyes…

Like a sea of greens and golds and browns…

He felt like he could sink into it…

It reminded him of Earth…

Of home…

His heart raced…

He wondered if Bones knew.

It was only a momentary thought because Bones always knew.

Bones could read him.

Better than anyone else…

Better than he could read himself sometimes...

“Do you want to?”

“Yeah.”

Bones took his hand and guided him out of the rec hall.  He saw Alex wink at him, and Mae grin at him.  He still couldn’t believe they had actually gone together.

He didn’t realize he hadn’t let go of Bones’ hand even when they entered the turbolift or when they made it to the top observation deck.

It was dark and quiet.  The whole ship felt like it was empty except for the two of them.  Like they were the only two people in this universe.

Jim felt his heart beating furiously.

The stars flashed by as they continued to Earth.

“Sorry.”  

Bones broke the silence.

Jim looked at him.  He cocked his head.  He looked at Bones.  His eyes looked were blazing and burning.

“I said we were going as friends, just friends.”

“Bones…”

His heart pounded so loud, so loud that Jim couldn’t hear anything else.

“Bones please don’t.”

He begged.

Half to Bones…

Half to himself…

Because he had finally figured it out…

“Jane…”

_Jane…_

Bones didn’t even know his real name…

“I think I’m falling in love with you.”

Jim felt his heart soar but...

_No…_

_No…_

But his was Bones…

“We can’t.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m…”

_Bad for you…_

_Because anyone close to me dies…_

_Because I can’t even tell you the truth…_

_Because I don’t want to lose you..._

“Because… because I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because we’re almost back on Earth.”  Jim finally responded lamely.

Bones raised an eyebrow.

Like he didn’t believe.

Because Jim didn’t believe it himself.

Bones tightened his grasp on his hand.

Jim hadn’t even noticed he had never let go.

“Both of us knows that’s not why.”

Bones looked at him, like he was peering into his soul.

Jim never felt more naked.

“We can’t.” Jim muttered again although with each moment he knew he sounded less sure because he felt less sure.

Less willing...

Because he wanted…

We wanted so much...

“You're right."  Bones started.

_Would he?_

However the look in his eyes...

Jim could tell there was a 'however'.

"We are almost back on Earth.”

Jim knew where this was going…

And he knew he was going to hate himself for this.

“Won’t you take a leap of faith with me?  Let me show you we aren’t wrong.  That we can?”

“Bones…” He trailed off.

“And if you still think we can’t, we shouldn’t then when we land, we can go our separate ways, no questions asked.”

It wasn’t even a month…

He looked at Bones.

How hopeful and young he looked.

Every piece of him but one was telling him to say 'no'…

That he can’t…

That he shouldn’t…

But instead Jim said, “yes.”

And the smile on Bones’ face, so bright and beautiful, almost convinced Jim it was okay.


	20. Chapter 20

Jim didn’t know what to call them.  And he didn’t know what to think about… being with Bones.

It had seen what it had done with his mother.

This whole love thing…

And Jim had been sure for a long time he didn’t need _that_ .  That he couldn’t have _that_ because of his genetics.

Because he was a freak…

But being with Bones…

It was different.

It wasn’t that Bones treated him different, or they did much of anything differently now that they were together.

The differences were so insignificant and slided so easily into their existing relationship that it had taken Jim almost a day to realize that it was different and…

The part that scared him…

Was that he liked it.

He liked holding Bones’ hand.

He liked it when Bones brushed back his hair.  It had gotten longer, much longer.  He normally tied it into a bun.  Mae had shown him that one.

But around Bones, even his most secure, best attempts always seemed to lead to it coming undone anyways.

His wavy blonde hair pooled around his face, and beside he liked it when Bones ran his fingers through it.  He was pretty sure Bones wasn’t even aware it was happening most of the time.

And wasn't the only thing Jim liked.

He liked kissing Bones.

Bones tasted like bourbon, peaches and Grandma’s spices.  It was comforting.  It was safe.

And it was everything Jim wanted.

And that scared Jim…

Because he had never felt that way towards anyone before.

The need…

An intense need to be around someone…

And then…

Jim realized.

As they sat next to each other in the observation deck.  Jim wrapped in Bones’ arms as he read the words of Tolkien.

As they traveled through Middle Earth together…

Jim looked up at Bones…

His hazel eyes… more green than brown today swirled and twinkled to the stars that sparkled around them.

He realized it.

Bones looked down at him.  A small smile tugged at the corner of his lips.

“Darlin’?”

There were the faint hints of frown lines that slowly appeared on Bones’ forehead.  That Jim suddenly wanted to kiss away.

Make them disappear…

Because they didn’t fit…

They didn’t fit with his _Bones…_

_His…_

“Darlin’?” He asked again.

And Jim leaned forward and captured his lips with his own.

He felt Bones freeze under him…

Because this had been the first time he had kissed Bones.

In the past, it had always been Bones.

Bones who started the kiss.

Bones who would lead him through it even though he was just as awkward about it as Jim was.

It had taken them awhile the figure out where to place the teeth, and the tongues, and everything…

And Jim liked it…

He pulled away.

“I think I’m falling in love with you too,” Jim muttered.

And he wondered why he hadn’t said that sooner when Bones’ face broke into a thousand shades of sunlight and happiness.

And it felt right to say those words to Bones.

Words he had never said to anyone before.

Not even to his mother.

 

************

 

“Hey Sleeping Beauty.”

Jim looked up from his book.  Bones was on shift.  Since they got together,  Jim found himself spending more time in their quarters snuggled under Bones’ bed, but only when Bones wasn't around.  When Bones was around, they found themselves avoiding their quarters and would instead hole up in one of the secluded observation decks.  

One because now that they were a _thing_ , _together…_

It made Mae and Alex almost insufferable, insufferably smug about it all.  

Second because Mae and Alex were _together_.

Jim had liked joking about _that_ as pay back.  But he had stopped laughing the first time he had walked in on _them._

And it wasn’t that he hadn’t seen anyone doing _it._  Because he had lived with Frank.

So he knew…

And he had been to juvie and had known Big Joe who had never been modest.

But this was his friends.

So it was different.

But when Bones wasn't around, he made comfort in their quarters.

And although he would never admit it.

But he liked the smell of Bones. It made the hours when Bones was on shift pass by faster.  

The only down side being  _this..._

Which luckily didn't happen often...

He rolled his eyes as Alex closed the door.  He hadn’t seen Alex or Mae for a while, not that Jim was looking for them either.

He watched as Alex toed off his boots and sank into his bed.   “So princess, is it true?”

“What?”  Jim blinked, confused.

“Does Len have amazing hands?”

“What?”  He sputtered, his face going a little red.  

“Are they amazing during the S-E-X?”  Alex waved his hands.  As if it was the most obvious thing in the world.  He had that smirk on his face.  The one Jim was sure would be on Sylvester’s face if he actually managed to eat Tweety.  “They say doctors have amazing hands.”

“He’s not a doctor.” Jim retorted.

Although Jim _knew_ like how he knew the sun on Earth, Earth, they were so close, would rise in the east, Bones would be a doctor someday, a damn good one too.  And although Bones insisted he was going to be a simple country doctor, Jim didn’t believe _that_ one bit.

Bones might claim he didn’t like the stars and being dependent on a thin layer of metal hull to keep them separated from the darkness of space.  But Jim remembered Bones’ expression the day they watched the birth of that star.

Alex looked at him like he felt sorry for him.

“Don't miss out on something amazing, princess.  You only live once.”

Jim blinked.  That smirk on Alex had mostly disappeared.  He actually looked seriously which was an expression Jim wasn’t sure he had ever seen on Alex’s face.

“Oh and Mae and I are on gamma shift and Len is on alpha.  So,” he wagged his eyebrows.  

And Jim found himself wanting to disappear.

“However, remember tie on the door.”

And then that smirk was back.

Jim didn’t look up until he heard the door slide open and close.

_Damn it._

 

************

  

The observation deck never seemed darker than that night.   

They were just days away from reaching Earth…

From…

Jim didn’t want to think about _that._

So he forced himself to think of anything, something else.

And he wasn’t surprised by the word that immediately popped into his head.

_Sex._

Those simple three letter words…

Now that Alex had opened up _that_ box, Jim couldn’t get it out of his head.

It had been on Jim’s head since.

He thought about it constantly in fact.

It made him constantly wonder if Bones was thinking about it.  

If Bones wanted to do _it_.

There were times when he thought it was on the tip of his tongue, in his eyes.

It happened frequently when they kissed.

However he similarly _knew_ Bones was the type to never bring it up.

There was even a part of him that thought about just _never_ bringing it up either.

He had never been the most comfortable with his body.  Even in juve he had always changed in the dark.  

Since that girl screamed…

Call him a freak…

But he had liked it when Bones touched his breasts.  

He had been surprised by _that._

It liked it when Bones sucked on his nipples and turned them into hard little peaks.

It surprised him because for most of his life he had tried to forget they existed.  

And it hadn’t been difficult for the longest time either.  For the longest time they had never been very big.  

His two conflicting hormones that surged through his body mostly prevented anything drastic from happening on either side of the equation.

So he could forget about them by covering them up with a sports bra.

But now…

He had noticed they had gotten bigger.

And because of Kodos…

And because of how long people had been calling him Jane…

That maybe he was Jane…

Not Jim…

And maybe he should start thinking about himself as a herself even…

And that took Jim to places he didn’t want to think about.

Because he had always thought about himself as Jim.  He had always thought about himself as a boy, as a he.

But now…

He answered to she, a girl and Jane just as easily.  That he sometimes forgot that he was Jim.

Because Jane was easier than Jim.

He could be Jane.

Jane was loved.

Jane had friends.

While Jim… Jim meant death, destruction and sadness.

But he was Jim…

He had always been Jim.

And that made everything difficult.

“You’re thinking again.”  Bones’ deep voice startled him out of his reverie.  

“What?”

Bones gently tapped his forehead, now covered mostly by long blond bangs.  “Your forehead furrows real deep when you’re in deep concentration,” he explained.  “The more lines you got the deeper I know you’re thinking.”

“Uh huh.”  Jim nodded.  “And how you know that?”

Because he didn’t want to tell Bones what he was thinking about.  He wasn’t sure he could explain _that._

It was Bones’ turn to look embarrassed.  His floppy hair, Jim suddenly realized had gotten longer since they first met, covered most of his eyes.

Jim’s smile widened.  “Bones?”

“God damn it,” Bones cursed out, but there was very little bite to it.  Jim had realized for a while now that half the time when Bones cursed he didn’t actually mean it.  That he wasn’t actually angry or annoyed, but he instead did it because it was the easiest and fastest way he had to express himself.

Jim grabbed his arm just in case he stood up.

“Bones?”

“I like to watch you sometimes.  Get to know you, sometimes I feel like there are thousands of things about you I don’t know.”

Jim suddenly felt uncomfortable.

It was like Bones _knew_.

“Like what?”

“When’s your birthday?”

Jim froze.

He saw Bones’ eyebrow raise upwards.  He looked like he was going to say something, something Jim wasn’t prepared to talk about.

“March 22nd,” he stated the first date that came to mind.  

The way Leonard’s eyebrows shot up.  Jim wondered what he had done wrong.

“What?”

“That’s in two days.”

“Oh.”

_Crap._

 

************

 

“Happy birthday!”

Jim felt his eyes well up.

It wasn’t even birthday.  

But he realized this was the first time in his life he remembered someone actually genuinely saying that to him.

Like they were happy he was alive.

Staring out over the LED candles, Jim didn't even _know_ where Bones got them from, because real candles were banned on starships, at Bones’ smiling, happy face.

Jim realized for once what love felt like.

What happiness felt like.

What being safe felt like.

“Darlin’?  Is something…”

Before Bones could finish, Jim leaned over and covered Bones’ lips with his own.  He felt Bones stiffen for a moment.

For a second, he thought he had done something wrong.  Even he felt Bones reciprocate the kiss.  With the same tenderness, love and care he always showed him.

_Don’t let something amazing pass you by._

He was ready.

With Bones…

With Bones he felt like he could take on the world.

“I’m ready.  I want it to be you.”

Bones blinked.

And because it was Bones.

He knew.

He knew he understood what he meant when he saw the plethora of emotions cascade over Bones’ face to finally settle on love and happiness.

“Yeah?”

_Yeah._

Because it was with Bones who made him feel safe, who made him feel special, who made him feel like he could be Jane.

“Yeah.”


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I originally wasn't going to write the Jim and Bones sex scene on account of Jim's age. But I figured for their development and plot reasons I should. I tried to keep it tasteful. If it isn't your cup of tea please just jump to the section after the asterisks.

Jim couldn’t say if it was luck, divine intervention or human intervention, but he took what he got.

With just days away from Earth, Bones and the other interns had been given the rest of the voyage off.

Mae and Alex mysteriously disappeared with a simple note ‘have fun’.

Jim was just glad he wasn’t the only one to blush a thousand shades of red.

Years later, Jim would admit they didn’t just jump into bed together after Jim said he was ready.  Because they didn’t, and in fact they talked about it, a lot, afterwards.  

It was then Jim learned that it was Bones’ first time too.  He and Jocelyn had never gotten further than fooling around in the bedroom.  There had been a night during a particularly large full moon when they almost did it in the barn before Bones’ younger brother caught them, Bones with his breeches down and Jocelyn with her skirt hiked up.  Bones had to bribe his brother, a lot afterwards, to not tell their parents.  However, he didn’t care as _much_ when they broke up a few weeks later, so it probably was for the better.

They talked about it all.

The technical stuff like protection; however, Jim was _less_ worried about that _one_.  He hadn’t had a period since before it all went to hell on Tarsus.

Not that he wasn’t thankful for that one.  He hated his period.  It reminded him that he was different.

Because boy didn’t get periods.

Boys didn’t have wombs.

Then they talked about other stuff.

And Bones asked him again if he was sure.

“Because if it’s for…”

And Jim silenced him with a kiss.

He was ready.

In the back of his mind, he realized he had been for a while now.

Even so he was nervous when Bones led him back to their quarters after dinner.  He was nervous when he saw the bed.

“Darlin’?”

He looked up at Bones.  His hazel eyes were soft. They were kind and so filled with love.  

With comfort…

That it would be okay.

“Can we turn off the lights?”

“Of course.”

He did it manually instead of with a voice command.  Jim wondered if he did it on purpose.  

To give him a moment…

The room darkened.

The only light was from the little viewport on the wall.  The stars flickered in the distance.

The ship creaked under his feet.

It was bright enough to see Bones.  To see his hazel eyes sparkling in the starlight.

He was standing by the bed.

He was still as a statue.

It was then Jim realized he was as nervous about this as he was.

He slowly reaches for the buttons of his shirt.  Bones mirrored him.

He popped one then another… then another.

His hands trembled as he went.

Because although Bones had fondled his breasts, this was the first time he had ever undressed in front of Bones.  The first time since that the swimming pond  incident that anyone would see him like this.

_You can do it Jim Kirk…_

He pulled off his shirt leaving him only in his bra.  He then worked on his pants.  He popped belt buckle the same time Bones did.  He toed off his boots and worked his pants off the rest of the way.

There in the dark room, they stood facing each other in their underwear.  

As still as statues…

 _You got this Jim_.

He could do it.

Bones seemed to know what he needed and met him halfway.  He kissed him slowly and tenderly.

Jim felt himself melting.  He felt himself getting wet.  He felt Bones hardening against his underwear.

Bones pulled away.  He looked embarrassed.

“It’s okay.”  Jim whispered.  His hands trailed downwards.  To Bones’ underwear, his fingers touched the edges.  He looked up.

Bones nodded.

He gently peeled it back revealing the tip of a throbbing, pulsating and weeping penis. Jim felt his breath catch.

He ran a finger over the tip.  He heard a slight moan leave Bones’ lips.  He felt his hands round his back.  He felt the pop of his bra clasp.

It is followed by Bones’ strong hands against his breasts.  They gently touched his nipples, hardening them.

He let out a strangled moaned as Bones continued.

His hands ran down his body to his underwear.

Bones looked at him.  

In the starlight, Jim could see him clearly.  The youth, the love, the hesitation…

Jim kissed him.

He kissed him as he felt Bones’ finger… one then two slipped inside of him.  He felt them turn, loosening, opening him up.  He felt himself get wet.

He moaned as Bones ran his fingers over his folds of skin.

He slowly back them onto the bed.  He barely felt it as he landed on the bed.  Bones on top of him…

His eyes…

His smile…

“Bones, please.”

Bones nods.

He slowly lowered himself against him.  He felt his heat, his warmth…

He felt him pulsating against his skin.

He let out a gasp as Bones entered him…

The emotions…

The warmth…

His chest got hot…

A sensation he never felt before coursed through him…

He closed his eyes as it overwhelmed him.

Pain…

Mixed with pleasure…

As Bones rubbed against him…

His warmth…

His strong…

His toes curled inward…

He felt like he was climbing a mountain of pleasure and pain.

It became harder and harder…

Then…

Then like an eternity had past, he felt the rush…

The drop…

He heard Bones groan and then wetness…

Wetness and slow sporadic forceful spurts of fluid as Bones’ seed coated his inside.  

He kissed him blindly as Bones landed next to him.  He drew him into his arms, and they fell asleep.

And for the first time Jim didn’t dream…

And then Jim learned what practice makes perfect meant.

Because they got better.

It became less awkward, less painful and even fun after a while.

So much so, Jim could see why people did it.

 

************

 

“Bones would you love me if I wasn’t a girl?”  

“What?”

Jim smiled.  He found it endearing, all of it.  

This life...

“Nevermind.”  Jim shook his head.  He burrowed deep into Bones’ chest.  

It didn’t matter.

Not anymore.

Except it did.

It did when as they reached the distancr where subspace frequencies could be freely transmitted from the York down to Earth, and Jim happened to see Bones at a comm station talking to his family.

_His family…_

_His mom, his dad, and his siblings…_

The ease Bones talked to them about their adventures, about all the things he saw and learned.  That begrudgingly he didn’t regret it.

That he had learned a lot.

But he was definitely ready to come back home, go back and finish his Medical degree.

Jim slipped out at this point.

He knew Bones had a family.  He had seen their pictures.  He had heard stories about them.

About his baby sister that wasn’t really a baby anymore.

About his twin brothers who were mischievous and always got underfoot.

About his older sister who had left home to live on Alpha Centauri with her fiancé, a crop farmer.

Who was waiting for him to get back so they could get married.

But those had all been stories.  Stories about faces on a picture, like the stories they read together.

But now they were talking.

They were real.

He felt Bones’ warmth as he slipped his arm around Jim’s shoulder.  He was smiling and happy.

It was clear that Bones was excited about returning to Earth.

_Earth…_

Where Jim would have to face reality.

“I can't wait to introduce you to my family.  They’re going to love you.”

Jim froze.

“As much as I love you. I’ll show you my horses and our ranch.  Gram makes the best peach cobbler."

Jim felt like his head was spinning.

_Bones’ family…_

They were going to hate him.  Then Bones would hate him.

Because of what he had done…

The lies he had spun.

Because he was a horrible person…

He couldn’t...

Because...

Bones….

Bones was the best thing in Jim’s life to that point… all 15 years.  But when the USS York finally docked at San Francisco Station, Jim knew it had to end.  Bones was going to go far in life.  Bones was everything that Jim wasn’t.  

When Bones kissed him on the lips, Jim wanted to scream that he had changed his mind.  He would go to Mississippi with him.  

However, Jim knew, he was a fuck up.  He had failed to save Joanna.  He had failed to save Joan and Tom.  He had failed to save those four thousand people from Kodos.  He had let Jack die for him because at the moment when it mattered he had been too afraid.

When Bones learned what he had done, he would hate him too.

So this was for the best...

“I’m never going to see you again, am I?”

Jim looked up from tying his shoes.

They had landed.

He could see Earth from the viewports.

He had planned to slip away.

He had written Bones a message on a PADD.

He hated good byes.

He always had.

He had convinced himself this was for the best

He told himself so when he decided.

Every time they kissed.

Every time they made love.

Every time they laughed.

Every time they said “I love you.”

“No.”

And he was glad Bones didn’t push it as they fell into that comfortable silence.

The one Jim knew he was going to miss.

Because he was going to miss it.  He was going to miss a lot of things about Bones.

His eyebrow raise.

His grumpy attitude…

The fact he knew exactly what Jim needed without saying anything.

And most of all his smile…

They didn’t hold hands when they disembarked.  He was grateful Alex and Mae didn’t say anything about _that_.  

That farewell was also bittersweet.

Promises to keep in contact.

Promises that they would see each other in space or even at the Academy.

Promises Jim knew he wasn’t going to be able to keep.

_Promises…_

Jim was bad at promises.

He had always been bad at them.

Bones waved to him one final time in the shuttle bay.  Jim waved back.  He watched as Bones walked away.  

“Today starts the first day of your new life, Jim Kirk,” he whispered to himself.

He watched as an older man and woman pulled Bones into a tight hug.  

_His parents…_

He watched as a young girl threw herself at him.  He watched as Bones ruffled the dark bangs of two near identical boys.  

They were Bones’ family.  

Something Jim would and could never be a part of.

To make the difference more obvious, while Bones’ family had flew all the way out here to see him, nobody would be meeting him.  In fact, nobody would ever come and greet him as warmly as Bones’ family just had.

Hell, nobody even knew he was still alive.  He wondered what his mother thought when she heard about Tarsus IV.  He hadn’t thought about her in a long time.

He wondered if she could finally stop being sad now.  Her last remaining link to her dead husband was no longer around.  Maybe she could finally move on.

He wondered what Sam thought.  He wondered if Sam even knew he had been on Tarsus.  If his mother had even told anyone in their broken family that he was gone.

He knew they never did release a formal list of all the people who had been murdered by Kodos on New Year’s Day.  

Jim tugged at his jacket collar.  He swung his only bag over his shoulder and marched over to the ticket booth.

“Where to?”  A bored voice filtered through the intercom.  He was greeted by a female green alien with an outstanding number of jewelry on her face.  She was chewing on a piece of gum noisily.

He looked at the screen flashing words behind her.

One caught his attention.

_The city of angels..._

For Jim, she could be his city of new beginnings.  

Where he could start again.

And this time as Jim.

Not Jane.

Because he could never truly be Jane.

“One ticket to Los Angeles please.”

**_End of Part I_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And thus ends part one.
> 
> I never expected this to take so long to complete. I hope you enjoyed it. Jim's journey will continue in Fractured Lives: Those Intermediary Years


End file.
